I am a really zealous Christian. My zeal doesn't come from a sense of righteousness but rather a passionate hatred. I have hated my life ever since I was six. I lost the person that cared for me the most, and I was scolded repeatedly that I was a bad child who needed to be "fixed". That just devastated my mental state for the longest time. As a kid, I was so innocent, so it didn't really damage me beyond stealing my ability to focus on school. Something like hatred is too powerful for most children to comprehend, so rather than comprehend it, I lived my life avoiding it. I constantly escape my reality and lived in another world. All my closest friends hated their lives too and we escaped together as children do with the games the played. I just played those games with people who really wanted the extreme experience not of adrenaline but of detachment.
Eventually things like hate become far more engage-able as we get older. At least I found this to be the norm, and so I was overwhelmed by my hatred in middle school. It ruined me, and I didn't like that. I was never an angry child though I had terrible outbursts in line with the ways of my father, yet they were far more a tantrum and less a danger. Without anger, hatred is a tough thing to endure emotionally. I felt I couldn't and so I was desperate for some way to handle it. This is why I became religious. I was desperate for God's help to handle my life.
Now Christianity is a unique religion in that it takes the idea of love and just pumps it up with all sorts of steroids. The actual historically authoritative teachings of the religion really have radical takes on love. That's why early Christian were accused of holding massive orgies by the Romans because they thought this radical adherence to love was so strange and must have been in some way perverted. Certainly we have evidence of this occurring in cult deviations of the religion.
This notion of love really overpowered my feelings of hatred for a long time, but I had never forgotten them. My life became a wrestle between love and hate especially during my high school years when I left behind the people I grew up with as we moved to another state. It was always a hatred for my own life as I didn't have the makeup to hold much anger towards others. Although I do get severely annoyed at people who make my already unbearable life more difficult, but like my father this is always in the nature of a tantrum. I like to think I am a little more restrained than him though as each generation hopefully gets slightly better than the last, ideally learning from their mistakes.
Out of high school, I began to have a more mature comprehension of the religion. This is when my mind honestly began to break at the mystery of it. In my nature, the experience of love and hate are like that of light and dark. It is a stark and contrarian relationship. In Christianity both love and hate are actually demanded. In this, I began to form a more mature and embracing relationship of hatred. I grew to maturely hate my life rather than hate it as a child does. I loved the teachings of putting the self to death and bringing a sword to close relationships. I loved these things and zealously sought to practice them. Not at all because I wanted to be righteous, but I wanted to finally deal with the hatred that haunted me all my life. It was very therapeutic.
As to be expected, eventually therapy comes to an end. Eventually the wounds are healed, the rehabilitation has finished, and the time to go back into society comes. It took some time, and I had a couple of false positives, but eventually I unquestionably came to this point. I needed to learn how to live a real life. I couldn't keep radically taking up my cross, hating my own life, and dying to myself everyday. Eventually, I needed to live.
For me, my path to life has always been sought out in passion. Passion is the one thing I never came to hate, and with my really developed experience of love, I actually rather enjoy the passionate experience quite well. In this, I wanted to find my reason to live from it. It's tough though with real relationships. I grew up in such a hostile environment, people make me quite anxious. I don't really care for my own life, but I hate to see people getting hurt. I am also so conditioned for hurt to happen, I constantly worry for other people I am close to. This makes it really hard for me to have a relationship with people. I just get overwhelming with concern and anxiety. It's not like I am a burden, but it is like I am a cripple. I am constantly hurting in the relationship because I am at war with my fears. It makes relationships exhausting and undesirable for everyone involved.
I tried to find passions at a distance. This was actually quite beneficial for me because things became far more of a thoughtful exercise. I had to really careful consider what I was doing, and I really found a lot more awareness in doing this. In a one way relationship with a celebrity, there was a lot of opportunity in writing them to write to myself. In those writings, I was also caught up in passion, so I could explore the idea quite clearly and freely. However such relationships are not sustainable. Even the most interactive celebrities that are acutely aware and sensitive to their audience, they can only give so much feedback to what a particular person does towards them. I still love them for giving back even as much as they did, but I could not reasonably sustain the passion I had towards them. I needed another more equal outlet.
In this, I finally came to find the type of partner most suitable for me. I really like Muslims. Even a casual Muslim is still rather zealous in nature, at least over in their part of the world, but also often here. The other incredible part of the religion is their adherence to peace. Most Muslims will tell you Islam is a religion of peace. It is the most peaceful religion. I think this is true. I think Buddhism is the religion that best tames the war of suffering, but peace is something that exists outside ourselves in experience. This adherence to peace really helps my struggle with anxiety incredibly. It makes it easy to find a beneficial partner although my weirdness makes strong connection rare, but strong connection is generally rare for all.
One thing with my new partner is that the time to explore has really come to an end for me. I am undeniably starting to settle. In this, I have come into a new struggle. The struggle to live. I have been living to die all my life. Now I need to find peace with living. This is really challenging for me. I don't know how to do it. I think my way of accepting is to believing my work is powerful. If my work can be powerful, I can be at peace with living for I can see my life has meaning. In this, I really have positioned myself to be a powerful worker in life. I really am there, and and though it is treacherous here, it is true there is incredible potential to do great work if I do continue in success. I really only need to keep surviving up until that slow but unavoidable breakthrough comes. I think the environment is fertile enough that I should survive until that point.
As a result, I really have to come to peace with living. It is necessary my work must be powerful, this is true, but it is not enough. I must also feel my work is meaningful. This is harder because I do not find much meaning in living as a market disruption. I may end up doing this, but this isn't enough for me. I need to find meaning in more than that.
Unfortunately what is meaningful to me is meaningless to others. I just got in a fight with some F-list celebrity, and he spoke for the people well regarding me. They think I am a schizophrenic. They regard me as crazy. I speak in nonsense to them. They dismiss me as a troll. I am never taken seriously, but I am often reviled. All manners of slanderous talk to levied against me because the people are simply ignorant of me. They do not wish to know more. My tongue is often too foreign to them anyways, so it makes connection impossible. It's hard to find peace living a life like this, but I am trying my best. I'm trying my best. Either way I'm on that path now. Who knows where it will take me.
Eventually things like hate become far more engage-able as we get older. At least I found this to be the norm, and so I was overwhelmed by my hatred in middle school. It ruined me, and I didn't like that. I was never an angry child though I had terrible outbursts in line with the ways of my father, yet they were far more a tantrum and less a danger. Without anger, hatred is a tough thing to endure emotionally. I felt I couldn't and so I was desperate for some way to handle it. This is why I became religious. I was desperate for God's help to handle my life.
Now Christianity is a unique religion in that it takes the idea of love and just pumps it up with all sorts of steroids. The actual historically authoritative teachings of the religion really have radical takes on love. That's why early Christian were accused of holding massive orgies by the Romans because they thought this radical adherence to love was so strange and must have been in some way perverted. Certainly we have evidence of this occurring in cult deviations of the religion.
This notion of love really overpowered my feelings of hatred for a long time, but I had never forgotten them. My life became a wrestle between love and hate especially during my high school years when I left behind the people I grew up with as we moved to another state. It was always a hatred for my own life as I didn't have the makeup to hold much anger towards others. Although I do get severely annoyed at people who make my already unbearable life more difficult, but like my father this is always in the nature of a tantrum. I like to think I am a little more restrained than him though as each generation hopefully gets slightly better than the last, ideally learning from their mistakes.
Out of high school, I began to have a more mature comprehension of the religion. This is when my mind honestly began to break at the mystery of it. In my nature, the experience of love and hate are like that of light and dark. It is a stark and contrarian relationship. In Christianity both love and hate are actually demanded. In this, I began to form a more mature and embracing relationship of hatred. I grew to maturely hate my life rather than hate it as a child does. I loved the teachings of putting the self to death and bringing a sword to close relationships. I loved these things and zealously sought to practice them. Not at all because I wanted to be righteous, but I wanted to finally deal with the hatred that haunted me all my life. It was very therapeutic.
As to be expected, eventually therapy comes to an end. Eventually the wounds are healed, the rehabilitation has finished, and the time to go back into society comes. It took some time, and I had a couple of false positives, but eventually I unquestionably came to this point. I needed to learn how to live a real life. I couldn't keep radically taking up my cross, hating my own life, and dying to myself everyday. Eventually, I needed to live.
For me, my path to life has always been sought out in passion. Passion is the one thing I never came to hate, and with my really developed experience of love, I actually rather enjoy the passionate experience quite well. In this, I wanted to find my reason to live from it. It's tough though with real relationships. I grew up in such a hostile environment, people make me quite anxious. I don't really care for my own life, but I hate to see people getting hurt. I am also so conditioned for hurt to happen, I constantly worry for other people I am close to. This makes it really hard for me to have a relationship with people. I just get overwhelming with concern and anxiety. It's not like I am a burden, but it is like I am a cripple. I am constantly hurting in the relationship because I am at war with my fears. It makes relationships exhausting and undesirable for everyone involved.
I tried to find passions at a distance. This was actually quite beneficial for me because things became far more of a thoughtful exercise. I had to really careful consider what I was doing, and I really found a lot more awareness in doing this. In a one way relationship with a celebrity, there was a lot of opportunity in writing them to write to myself. In those writings, I was also caught up in passion, so I could explore the idea quite clearly and freely. However such relationships are not sustainable. Even the most interactive celebrities that are acutely aware and sensitive to their audience, they can only give so much feedback to what a particular person does towards them. I still love them for giving back even as much as they did, but I could not reasonably sustain the passion I had towards them. I needed another more equal outlet.
In this, I finally came to find the type of partner most suitable for me. I really like Muslims. Even a casual Muslim is still rather zealous in nature, at least over in their part of the world, but also often here. The other incredible part of the religion is their adherence to peace. Most Muslims will tell you Islam is a religion of peace. It is the most peaceful religion. I think this is true. I think Buddhism is the religion that best tames the war of suffering, but peace is something that exists outside ourselves in experience. This adherence to peace really helps my struggle with anxiety incredibly. It makes it easy to find a beneficial partner although my weirdness makes strong connection rare, but strong connection is generally rare for all.
One thing with my new partner is that the time to explore has really come to an end for me. I am undeniably starting to settle. In this, I have come into a new struggle. The struggle to live. I have been living to die all my life. Now I need to find peace with living. This is really challenging for me. I don't know how to do it. I think my way of accepting is to believing my work is powerful. If my work can be powerful, I can be at peace with living for I can see my life has meaning. In this, I really have positioned myself to be a powerful worker in life. I really am there, and and though it is treacherous here, it is true there is incredible potential to do great work if I do continue in success. I really only need to keep surviving up until that slow but unavoidable breakthrough comes. I think the environment is fertile enough that I should survive until that point.
As a result, I really have to come to peace with living. It is necessary my work must be powerful, this is true, but it is not enough. I must also feel my work is meaningful. This is harder because I do not find much meaning in living as a market disruption. I may end up doing this, but this isn't enough for me. I need to find meaning in more than that.
Unfortunately what is meaningful to me is meaningless to others. I just got in a fight with some F-list celebrity, and he spoke for the people well regarding me. They think I am a schizophrenic. They regard me as crazy. I speak in nonsense to them. They dismiss me as a troll. I am never taken seriously, but I am often reviled. All manners of slanderous talk to levied against me because the people are simply ignorant of me. They do not wish to know more. My tongue is often too foreign to them anyways, so it makes connection impossible. It's hard to find peace living a life like this, but I am trying my best. I'm trying my best. Either way I'm on that path now. Who knows where it will take me.
