Finding it hard to plan out my exit

[thatisitguy]

I've been wrapping up some personal matters before I try CTB. To reduce my anxiety, I've been doing dry runs by testing my method (fentanyl overdose). I was aiming for something in the middle of this month but I got too distracted with work matters and I want to go out in peace and quiet which is hard to do with construction going outside my unit, my work demands, etc. I even checked into a hotel a few times this month (mainly because there is a possibility that I might be arrested and figure they won't find me in time to arrest me) and the room reeked of cigarettes or it was too loud.

Anyways, I planned on CTB the after the first week of August. Plan out the details and do it. Yet I just want to do it and get it over with. It feels too much work to write out a letter, get rid of or sell all my things, give notice to my job or landlord. I find myself more motivated to just doing it. I realize it doesn't matter at the end of the day if you carry out a detailed plan as long as you CTB. I've been taking fentanyl-laced pills every day and being fully aware that I could die in a situation that looks far different than my ideal plan.

Does this mean I really want to CTB or am I sabotaging my own exit by giving in but not too much to where I die?

 

[thatwasit]

I've been wrapping up some personal matters before I try CTB. To reduce my anxiety, I've been doing dry runs by testing my method (fentanyl overdose). I was aiming for something in the middle of this month but I got too distracted with work matters and I want to go out in peace and quiet which is hard to do with construction going outside my unit, my work demands, etc. I even checked into a hotel a few times this month (mainly because there is a possibility that I might be arrested and figure they won't find me in time to arrest me) and the room reeked of cigarettes or it was too loud.

Anyways, I planned on CTB the after the first week of August. Plan out the details and do it. Yet I just want to do it and get it over with. It feels too much work to write out a letter, get rid of or sell all my things, give notice to my job or landlord. I find myself more motivated to just doing it. I realize it doesn't matter at the end of the day if you carry out a detailed plan as long as you CTB. I've been taking fentanyl-laced pills every day and being fully aware that I could die in a situation that looks far different than my ideal plan.

Does this mean I really want to CTB or am I sabotaging my own exit by giving in but not too much to where I die?

I think you already know the answer.
Plus not say do it, but say you go through with it and you wake up. Wouldn't it be better to have a job and a home?

 

[Anna777333]

Простите, а почему вы хотите покончить с собой?

 

[lilmisswbd2cbt]

how much are you planning to take to ctb/how much have you been taking every day? are you nervous at all about building up a tolerance to such an addictive substance? not to mention that taking it daily means you'll have less supply for when it's time for you to actually ctb

are you/your dealer in the states? curious if they've got any f connections near me you/they would be willing to share

 

[thatisitguy]

I think you already know the answer.
Plus not say do it, but say you go through with it and you wake up. Wouldn't it be better to have a job and a home?

I have a nice place and a good job that pays me very well and I am well-respected. I have so much respect for the fact that I can go order filet mignon for dinner, take a hot bubble bath while playing candy crush and not have a care in the world. But these nice things that I have are just that - things. Nothing last forever. After awhile it stops becoming enough. I live with demons that no one can understand.