I've been wrapping up some personal matters before I try CTB. To reduce my anxiety, I've been doing dry runs by testing my method (fentanyl overdose). I was aiming for something in the middle of this month but I got too distracted with work matters and I want to go out in peace and quiet which is hard to do with construction going outside my unit, my work demands, etc. I even checked into a hotel a few times this month (mainly because there is a possibility that I might be arrested and figure they won't find me in time to arrest me) and the room reeked of cigarettes or it was too loud.
Anyways, I planned on CTB the after the first week of August. Plan out the details and do it. Yet I just want to do it and get it over with. It feels too much work to write out a letter, get rid of or sell all my things, give notice to my job or landlord. I find myself more motivated to just doing it. I realize it doesn't matter at the end of the day if you carry out a detailed plan as long as you CTB. I've been taking fentanyl-laced pills every day and being fully aware that I could die in a situation that looks far different than my ideal plan.
Does this mean I really want to CTB or am I sabotaging my own exit by giving in but not too much to where I die?
Anyways, I planned on CTB the after the first week of August. Plan out the details and do it. Yet I just want to do it and get it over with. It feels too much work to write out a letter, get rid of or sell all my things, give notice to my job or landlord. I find myself more motivated to just doing it. I realize it doesn't matter at the end of the day if you carry out a detailed plan as long as you CTB. I've been taking fentanyl-laced pills every day and being fully aware that I could die in a situation that looks far different than my ideal plan.
Does this mean I really want to CTB or am I sabotaging my own exit by giving in but not too much to where I die?
