Venting Finding it hard to let go of hopes for a happy future

[StrangePossum]

One of the things holding me back from CTB is the leftover thoughts of a better future waiting for me someday: being able to live in my own place, on my own terms, with people who love me. Even as the chance of actually having such a future slips further and further away from me, I still find it so hard to let go of these past hopes. They kept me going for so long when things were difficult, and even as my life gets worse and worse some part of me still feels so sad knowing that if I CTB this idea of a good, happy life will never become a reality. Maybe this is a sign that I'm not completely ready for CTB? But at the same time, living in my current abusive situation has been so exhausting lately. It feels like my life is slowly collapsing around me; I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I guess at some point I'll just have to accept it -- that in the end, I didn't do much with my life? But it's still so hard. I wish things could have been different.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think eliminating that nagging doubt of "well maybe life..." is unrealistic and shouldn't necessarily be taken as a sign of readiness or not to CTB. What concretely needs to happen for you to be able to live on your own?

 

[Obliviate]

I fully relate to this and am going through the same thing but I always say that there is never gonna be a time where you are blissfully happy. there will ALWAYS be struggles and pain and hardships. It's the hard truth I had to learn when I thought I was gonna be that someone to actually make it out with hope. I realized I don't want to constantly face battles, I'm exhausted, I've been through enough and can't bear any more stress. There's a limit of the things an individual can withstand before losing it.

 

[Rainy_days]

I think it makes sense to hope for better things once you can get out of your abusive situation. That is a problem that is not intrinsic to yourself. I hope you can find opportunity to get out of it, then reevaluate things from there.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do understand where you are coming from. I guess I sometimes wonder if I had the potential to be a very different person. I used to fantasize about having a partner etc.

I guess- like @LaVieEnRose said though- maybe you need to ask yourself what needs to happen for you to fulfill your dreams? Are you willing to put in that effort? Even small steps towards a goal I suspect is good. Just the feeling that you have the strength to make a change I think would be enough.

Still- I'm a firm believer that people make their own luck. It is partly chance of course- meeting Mr Right, finding a house you like. Still- for example- if you aren't actively looking- it's far less likely to come about.

I kind of know that some of the things that would help me to keep going hinge on me being less socially anxious and more confident. That's REALLY not something I feel able to work on though. The end result still isn't appealing ENOUGH for me- even if I did put in the enormous effort to change- so- for me- hope is really just pie in the sky.

 

[crowbait]

I think this is a sign to hold off. I think your brain is right; if you kill yourself now you'll never have a chance at a happy future, and this misery will be all you knew. I'm not a pro-lifer but I'm a firm believer in the fact that if something deep down in a person thinks there's a shot and doesn't want to die, you should listen to that something- you can always leave, but you can never come back.

Also regarding escaping an abusive situation, if you happen to be in my exact and horribly common situation- stuck living at home with abusive family with no money to get out- I escaped by applying to university and then for student loans and using loan money to move out, and I moved out by hanging out with my friend every week and bringing a backpack full of my stuff each time. If you want advice to escape your abusive situation I've seen a lot of excellent advice on Reddit and on here. Also I don't know if you're female but a lot of cities around where I live have girls-only Facebook groups where women often ask for advice on leaving an abusive situation, and girls who live in that city will offer like actual physical help with moving, like helping to sneak stuff out of the house.

 

[BurningMan]

I relate to this quite a bit. Life is very up and down where some days are better than others, where glimmers of hope comes through. The thing is with hopes and dreams though is that they don't passively just appear on your lap. You have to actively work towards achieving these goals, as nobody else is going to do it for you.

I believe this is a sign you're wanting to stick around, so why not even start small on working on those hopes and craft your own future. All the best.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound tiring and awful being in that situation, the unfortunate reality is that this existence is so incredibly cruel and disappointing and it's like having any kind of hope just leads to more suffering being experienced. It's understandable wishing that things ended up different, there really is nothing fair about any of this.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Don't knock yourself too hard. I'm experiencing something similar. My family is actually my last line of defense from going through with it (besides the fear of pain.)

I want there to be a brighter future for me; another tomorrow. I want to get better. I'm more likely to stumble and suffer as a result, though.

This cycle, ah. I want to put a stop to it for my family. I'm just a tumor, that's all; stealing life without consideration or just compensation. On the other hand, I tend to believe that everyone puts far too much effort into "doing something" with their lives.