finally wrote a suicide note to the love of my life that i am satisfied with.

[...]

(please save the "it's stupid to kill yourself over someone" comments for another time. this is as much for my own selfish reasons as it is for anyone else):


you were always right. im intense, im clingy, im needy. i will never not be in disbelief that i'm no longer with you. i think you have seen how calm i can be - perhaps even too laid back - but we both know that's only when things go smoothly. life unfortunately isn't like that and i can't react like this every time there is a challenge. i wish i wasn't like this because i know how unhealthy it is for everyone but it's the brain I was blessed with.

these days i'm now have this weird sort of anhedonia. i know i have many things that used to make me happy that don't directly involve you but yet i dont see the point, the motivation, and i can't enjoy anything if i know i can't tell you about the thing that is making me happy, the thing that i did, the goal i'm working towards, the thing i achieved, the emotion i felt, or the thing i laughed at. nothing makes me feel anymore. i have lost all motivation to do anything but try and be with you and that is wrong. and as much as i am sorry for what this will cause, this is why i have to do this. my only drive is to be with you and therefore i'm scared that all my future has in store is harassing you, releasing my anger and desperation on you, and hurting you. this is for myself in the sense i don't want to spend my days being known as an abuser or as a convict. but it's also for you. i want the best for you and i don't want to hurt you any longer. i want you to be the happiest that you can be. and i know this will cause pain initially but in the long run i think you will be better off compared to if i was here.

we both promised we would never leave and i know i have let you down in doing this. i know i could carry on heartbroken and try and rebuild the pieces back in my life I could. but i don't want to. i just don't have the will power anymore. i am so weak and in too much pain. i will slowly get stronger just for my mind to shoot me back down again and again. i hope you will forgive me. i believe it is the best thing for both of us. i always wanted you to be happy and i would do anything to make that happen. and this is what it takes. i have always been willing to die for you and this is one of those rare circumstances where the person has to commit to that oath.

i love you, emily. i know you loved me too at one point, i really do. and i feel so blessed to have experienced your love. it made me the happiest i have ever been. i guess i never realised how unfulfilled and incomplete i was before you came into my life.

and i know in the end your love had changed. at least to extent it wasn't strong enough to want us to work. to want to try. to battle through the difficult, unnatural times for a future with me. but that doesn't change my feelings for you. i am in such awe of you that nothing ever could make me not think you are the most special person in the universe. you are far too good for me. you deserve so much better. i love you too much to deny you that.

i hope you remember me and the good times we had together. the growth we had as a couple. the things that we brought to each other. the things we changed about one another. the new hobbies we shared. the life we had. i hope you will think of me positively.

one last kiss,
jamie x

[link to Weyes Blood - 'Be Free'] - one of my favourite songs, i love it even as much as my love for tame impala.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

(please save the "it's stupid to kill yourself over someone" comments for another time. this is as much for my own selfish reasons as it is for anyone else):


you were always right. im intense, im clingy, im needy. i will never not be in disbelief that i'm no longer with you. i think you have seen how calm i can be - perhaps even too laid back - but we both know that's only when things go smoothly. life unfortunately isn't like that and i can't react like this every time there is a challenge. i wish i wasn't like this because i know how unhealthy it is for everyone but it's the brain I was blessed with.

these days i'm now have this weird sort of anhedonia. i know i have many things that used to make me happy that don't directly involve you but yet i dont see the point, the motivation, and i can't enjoy anything if i know i can't tell you about the thing that is making me happy, the thing that i did, the goal i'm working towards, the thing i achieved, the emotion i felt, or the thing i laughed at. nothing makes me feel anymore. i have lost all motivation to do anything but try and be with you and that is wrong. and as much as i am sorry for what this will cause, this is why i have to do this. my only drive is to be with you and therefore i'm scared that all my future has in store is harassing you, releasing my anger and desperation on you, and hurting you. this is for myself in the sense i don't want to spend my days being known as an abuser or as a convict. but it's also for you. i want the best for you and i don't want to hurt you any longer. i want you to be the happiest that you can be. and i know this will cause pain initially but in the long run i think you will be better off compared to if i was here.

we both promised we would never leave and i know i have let you down in doing this. i know i could carry on heartbroken and try and rebuild the pieces back in my life I could. but i don't want to. i just don't have the will power anymore. i am so weak and in too much pain. i will slowly get stronger just for my mind to shoot me back down again and again. i hope you will forgive me. i believe it is the best thing for both of us. i always wanted you to be happy and i would do anything to make that happen. and this is what it takes. i have always been willing to die for you and this is one of those rare circumstances where the person has to commit to that oath.

i love you, emily. i know you loved me too at one point, i really do. and i feel so blessed to have experienced your love. it made me the happiest i have ever been. i guess i never realised how unfulfilled and incomplete i was before you came into my life.

and i know in the end your love had changed. at least to extent it wasn't strong enough to want us to work. to want to try. to battle through the difficult, unnatural times for a future with me. but that doesn't change my feelings for you. i am in such awe of you that nothing ever could make me not think you are the most special person in the universe. you are far too good for me. you deserve so much better. i love you too much to deny you that.

i hope you remember me and the good times we had together. the growth we had as a couple. the things that we brought to each other. the things we changed about one another. the new hobbies we shared. the life we had. i hope you will think of me positively.

one last kiss,
jamie x

[link to Weyes Blood - 'Be Free'] - one of my favourite songs, i love it even as much as my love for tame impala.

It's a lovely note… I'm a huge fan of weyes blood - I have seen her many times in concert… That's a great song

 

[...]

It's a lovely note… I'm a huge fan of weyes blood - I have seen her many times in concert… That's a great song

i resonate with it so much

 

[...]

i shared my letter on a poetry forum and got told by some religious nut not to take revenge lmao. revenge? revenge would be staying alive and making people's lives living hell.

 

[Insomniac]

Do you resent the person you're leaving this letter to?

 

[Cherry xoxo]

This is beautiful.
I relate to the way you feel so much

 

[...]

Do you resent the person you're leaving this letter to?

no? i thought i came across as loving? maybe i need to rewrite it then...

 

[Insomniac]

no? i thought i came across as loving? maybe i need to rewrite it then...

to me it sounded like you were trying to guilt trip her.

but it's just how it felt to me, you sounded resentful. don't hate me for saying this, it's just my two cents. I guess it'll come accross differently to different people?

I myself am trying to write a suicide note so I understand the process can be tricky.

Edit: sorry, I just realised this might be misworded. What I meant to say is, it's very difficult to write something without leaving your true feelings known. Your intention might have been to explain things to her, but your true feelings (of resentment, blame and hurt) are what are transpiring.

 

[...]

to me it sounded like you were trying to guilt trip her.

but it's just how it felt to me, you sounded resentful. don't hate me for saying this, it's just my two cents. I guess it'll come accross differently to different people?

I myself am trying to write a suicide note so I understand the process can be tricky.

Edit: sorry, I just realised this might be misworded. What I meant to say is, it's very difficult to write something without leaving your true feelings known. Your intention might have been to explain things to her, but your true feelings (of resentment, blame and hurt) are what are transpiring.

i don't really see the point in guilt-tripping suicides. i will be dead, how would i ever know if she feels guilt or not?

no, the intention of an explanation is the same as my true feelings. i owe her that and want her to know i think it is the best in the long run. she needs to move on and enjoy her life again but because i can't let go i am keeping her in the prison that is my mess. i need to set her free for her own good and this is the only way for me to let go. everything else i have tried and i always come back to trying to force my way back into her life.

yes i'm hurt and am angry about losing the love of my life but it's not feelings directed at her, rather the situation. people get dumped all the time but how they respond is different. it's up to me. and the point of the note is to explain my response to this. i don't even blame the situation, i blame the way i'm unable to cope with the situation.

to me it sounded like you were trying to guilt trip her.

but it's just how it felt to me, you sounded resentful. don't hate me for saying this, it's just my two cents. I guess it'll come accross differently to different people?

I myself am trying to write a suicide note so I understand the process can be tricky.

Edit: sorry, I just realised this might be misworded. What I meant to say is, it's very difficult to write something without leaving your true feelings known. Your intention might have been to explain things to her, but your true feelings (of resentment, blame and hurt) are what are transpiring.

ok - i've reflected on it. i've added some sentences following on from the lines:

i have lost all motivation to do anything but try and be with you and that is wrong...

and said "...of me. people lose the love of their lives all the time but the response to it is different. i don't blame you and i don't even blame the situation. i blame the brain that makes me unable to cope with it. i just simply cannot live without you. and that's ok. i've made peace with that reality."

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be a relief to have a note that you are satisfied with. I think notes are good for providing closure. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[Insomniac]

...of me. people lose the love of their lives all the time but the response to it is different.

a lot better. Your true feelings will still transpire but you're making it clear you don't think it's her fault by admitting you had other options and chose suicide on your own free will.

i just simply cannot live without you. and that's ok. i've made peace with that reality."

I also have someone I cannot live without and that person doesn't care about me. If that person were to care about me, it'd change everything for me. so I can truly relate to your feelings.

 

[...]

I also have someone I cannot live without and that person doesn't care about me. If that person were to care about me, it'd change everything for me. so I can truly relate to your feelings.

thanks friend, didn't mean to be defensive, genuinely want to make sure i get it right and you helped. that's what this forum is for. and ye it looks like we are in the same boat. sending love <3

 

[RoachApproach]

I don't know if you're still here, but this note is beautiful. I cried, this note(other than the names) applies to my situation perfectly. So I know where you're coming from. And ivy thought about leaving my Ex a note to let her know what's on my mind. But I think what will cause the least pain is to not say anything at all. Maybe just leave her a not saying "I love you".

 

[Funeralprincess]

(please save the "it's stupid to kill yourself over someone" comments for another time. this is as much for my own selfish reasons as it is for anyone else):


you were always right. im intense, im clingy, im needy. i will never not be in disbelief that i'm no longer with you. i think you have seen how calm i can be - perhaps even too laid back - but we both know that's only when things go smoothly. life unfortunately isn't like that and i can't react like this every time there is a challenge. i wish i wasn't like this because i know how unhealthy it is for everyone but it's the brain I was blessed with.

these days i'm now have this weird sort of anhedonia. i know i have many things that used to make me happy that don't directly involve you but yet i dont see the point, the motivation, and i can't enjoy anything if i know i can't tell you about the thing that is making me happy, the thing that i did, the goal i'm working towards, the thing i achieved, the emotion i felt, or the thing i laughed at. nothing makes me feel anymore. i have lost all motivation to do anything but try and be with you and that is wrong. and as much as i am sorry for what this will cause, this is why i have to do this. my only drive is to be with you and therefore i'm scared that all my future has in store is harassing you, releasing my anger and desperation on you, and hurting you. this is for myself in the sense i don't want to spend my days being known as an abuser or as a convict. but it's also for you. i want the best for you and i don't want to hurt you any longer. i want you to be the happiest that you can be. and i know this will cause pain initially but in the long run i think you will be better off compared to if i was here.

we both promised we would never leave and i know i have let you down in doing this. i know i could carry on heartbroken and try and rebuild the pieces back in my life I could. but i don't want to. i just don't have the will power anymore. i am so weak and in too much pain. i will slowly get stronger just for my mind to shoot me back down again and again. i hope you will forgive me. i believe it is the best thing for both of us. i always wanted you to be happy and i would do anything to make that happen. and this is what it takes. i have always been willing to die for you and this is one of those rare circumstances where the person has to commit to that oath.

i love you, emily. i know you loved me too at one point, i really do. and i feel so blessed to have experienced your love. it made me the happiest i have ever been. i guess i never realised how unfulfilled and incomplete i was before you came into my life.

and i know in the end your love had changed. at least to extent it wasn't strong enough to want us to work. to want to try. to battle through the difficult, unnatural times for a future with me. but that doesn't change my feelings for you. i am in such awe of you that nothing ever could make me not think you are the most special person in the universe. you are far too good for me. you deserve so much better. i love you too much to deny you that.

i hope you remember me and the good times we had together. the growth we had as a couple. the things that we brought to each other. the things we changed about one another. the new hobbies we shared. the life we had. i hope you will think of me positively.

one last kiss,
jamie x

[link to Weyes Blood - 'Be Free'] - one of my favourite songs, i love it even as much as my love for tame impala.

Anhedonia… I had to look that up but that's where I am now. I'm at that stage where I feel nothing for anything. I don't want to do anything other than sleep, and I can hardly do that correctly. I feel this so hard, and it sucks. My sex drive is completely gone like nonexistent, my motivation is dead, and my depression is terrible. It's insane we are going through this shit… I thought it would end after years but I was wrong

 

[September5th]

That was pretty good. Thanks for writing it for me. Just change Emily to Duda and I'm good to go hahaha
Jokes aside, pretty beautiful. I get you, believe in me. It sucks.

 

[mister.mister]

I resonate with this note a lot. Makes me think of my own experiences