Story Finally making peace with my death! :)

[martyrcomplexed]

A few years ago I shared here some of my issues with death, all the uncertainty and pressure of knowing that you are choosing this path. Surprisingly, many things have changed for the better - I've found wonderful people who have taken away the problem with loneliness I've faced my whole life, I have the love of a girl who came straight out of my dreams, my family isn't so noticeably despicable anymore, etc, etc, etc. You know, all the things that could make someone look back and say ''Oh my God, it was all about a bad phase. I'm good''.

But I haven't changed. I truly couldn't be more unhappy to have made it this far. I never stopped thinking that I would kill myself. The only change in all of this is: there are definitely no more issues with death for me. I'm going to kill myself, I know that, and all I feel is peace. No more lack of preparation, no more uncertainty and judgment. Relief everywhere.

Just an achievement I'd like to share.​

 

[lovelybonez]

i hurt for you, may whereever you are you are okay.

 

[whatevs]

Martyr, I'm curious, why you want to die if things have truly improved?

 

[hellispink]

Sometimes our own head and demons block us from seeing that maybe we dont need nothing else because all we need we may have it but we cant see past the pain

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would be so relieved at feeling at peace with your inevitable fate, I mean after all death should never be feared as we are destined for nowhere but death anyway, life is just a futile, meaningless and insignificant distraction from that. But I wish you the best and I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom that you are searching for.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I can relate to you so much. I, too, came out of a very bad situation in my life. Well, MOST of my life has been a bad situation. I now have a few friends who actually show their love and care for me. I haven't found a woman yet, as the one I was with left me. But I'm not sad at all about that. However, I can relate feeling at peace with my decision. When I backed out last time, my inner voice asked the question, "what is going to happen that will make me look back at tonight and say, 'I'm glad I didn't do it?' " For me, I realized that no matter how 'good' things MAY get, overall I'm too damaged by my life to keep going. You see, it's the overall unhappiness I've always felt with life. I've always been an outcast. My family has always hated me. Plus, I've always been very uncomfortable with the amount of suffering in this world. And it's only getting worse.

So, like you, I feel immense peace and clarity on my decision. I admire your willingness to get clarity and honesty with yourself. I think that's a prerequisite to any ideation of self-termination. I get a lot of confused responses when I say that self-termination should really not have a lot to do with emotions, but with your own truth. I wish you the best going forward. You seem like someone who has gotten a lot of clarity and understanding about their life and what direction to go with it. I respect that so much.

 

[martyrcomplexed]

Martyr, I'm curious, why you want to die if things have truly improved?

That's a good question. I would say the answer is quite simple, actually: I lived under negative circumstances for so long that it damaged me irreversibly. I recognize the good things that surround me, I look at them and fight for them every day, but that's not enough for me. It doesn't heal me, it doesn't erase the memories or all the consequences of being who I am. Not everything is solvable for everyone.

And to add a bit more sincerity, I've never been interested in life anyway. My will was never strong, not even when I was a child. I never dreamed of a job, of being somebody, of achieving this or that, or anything else that people fulfill themselves with. It's that story about not wanting anything this life has to offer.​

 

[NoLightRemains]

I relate a lot to you. I'm not undergoing intense daily suffering to the extent I was last year. A lot of things improved over time for me, but yet I'm still closer than ever to suicide and have made my peace with it. I still have some waves of anxiety as I enter what I hope to be my final weeks, but for the most part I am accepting of what I must do to finally rest. Mostly just looking forward to the coming relief.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Relief, yes, that's the word.