uniqueusername39
Student
- Mar 7, 2023
- 186
Hi everyone. I finally have the strength to CTB. I've been wanting to do it in a while. I figure I should write a story here like all the other goodbye threads...but maybe this won't be one. I don't know, maybe. I guess I'm going to have to do this impulsively, and I know the general advice is to not do it impulsively, but the way I see it, I'm never going to be able to do this if I keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it. I'm indecisive and unable to commit to anything in my life, which is what exactly led me to this moment. Everyone else is committed to living, and it's just something I can't understand. Even though I'm doing it all of a sudden, I know I've wanted it for a long time, and this strength doesn't come to me every day. I have to take advantage of it while I have it.
It's 3 PM. The last meal I've had was 2 hours ago, I think, but I just recently drank water, and some guyabano shake that my mom made, and some caldereta. It's honestly the best meal I've had in a long time, I feel. I wonder why she made it? She even put the plate in front of me, while I was....staring at nothing? I am so touched by her kindness today. We don't usually have extravagant meals like that.
My parents aren't home. They won't be until late in the evening. They'd definitely knock on my door to try to get me down to dinner. I have to find a way to avoid this....probably by pretending I'm asleep. I can do that, I think.
I have the SN measured out long ago, like months ago, I prepared four sets of 25g SN using the analytical balance we had at work, and I put each in a plastic bag. I....am not sure how this would affect its chemical composition. Does any one know? I stored them in my backpack, on the way to work and school, every day for a couple months, because there was no place at home where I could store them in reasonable temperatures (it gets very fucking hot where I am.) then recently bought a cabinet where I could store it in a cool warm place. I should've done this earlier.
I have 10 tablets of 10 mg metoclopramide. Will do the stat dose at 12 midnight. That's all I have. I'm kind of afraid of the pain, but I know it won't last more than an hour.
I told myself I'll kill myself last December because I didn't want to see January. I told myself I'll just kill myself on the 24th, because I don't want to have lived another year of my sorry fucking life. Those days passed, I am extremely pissed at myself for not committing. So you can imagine how relieved I feel now that I feel this determination. I'm just afraid I'll still chicken out in the end. I probably will. I'll tell you guys if I do.
My love, you tried so hard to convince me that life was worth living. I'm sorry that didn't work. I'm confident you'll find happiness again. That's what you've always taught me.
Ma and Pa, thank you, I won't trouble you any more with my worthless presence.
I'll play some games and listen to some music to pass the time. I wonder if I'll still change my mind. I won't ever change my mind about how my life sucks, and how I'm not looking forward to the future at all, but survival instinct...will still probably get a hold of me. My biggest thought is how much it'll suck for them to find a stinky corpse in their daughter's bed. I hope my sisters would properly take care of my dolls....and if they don't want them, sell them with the appropriate prices. That's my second biggest thought.
This whole post is ridiculous. Sorry.
It's 3 PM. The last meal I've had was 2 hours ago, I think, but I just recently drank water, and some guyabano shake that my mom made, and some caldereta. It's honestly the best meal I've had in a long time, I feel. I wonder why she made it? She even put the plate in front of me, while I was....staring at nothing? I am so touched by her kindness today. We don't usually have extravagant meals like that.
My parents aren't home. They won't be until late in the evening. They'd definitely knock on my door to try to get me down to dinner. I have to find a way to avoid this....probably by pretending I'm asleep. I can do that, I think.
I have the SN measured out long ago, like months ago, I prepared four sets of 25g SN using the analytical balance we had at work, and I put each in a plastic bag. I....am not sure how this would affect its chemical composition. Does any one know? I stored them in my backpack, on the way to work and school, every day for a couple months, because there was no place at home where I could store them in reasonable temperatures (it gets very fucking hot where I am.) then recently bought a cabinet where I could store it in a cool warm place. I should've done this earlier.
I have 10 tablets of 10 mg metoclopramide. Will do the stat dose at 12 midnight. That's all I have. I'm kind of afraid of the pain, but I know it won't last more than an hour.
I told myself I'll kill myself last December because I didn't want to see January. I told myself I'll just kill myself on the 24th, because I don't want to have lived another year of my sorry fucking life. Those days passed, I am extremely pissed at myself for not committing. So you can imagine how relieved I feel now that I feel this determination. I'm just afraid I'll still chicken out in the end. I probably will. I'll tell you guys if I do.
My love, you tried so hard to convince me that life was worth living. I'm sorry that didn't work. I'm confident you'll find happiness again. That's what you've always taught me.
Ma and Pa, thank you, I won't trouble you any more with my worthless presence.
I'll play some games and listen to some music to pass the time. I wonder if I'll still change my mind. I won't ever change my mind about how my life sucks, and how I'm not looking forward to the future at all, but survival instinct...will still probably get a hold of me. My biggest thought is how much it'll suck for them to find a stinky corpse in their daughter's bed. I hope my sisters would properly take care of my dolls....and if they don't want them, sell them with the appropriate prices. That's my second biggest thought.
This whole post is ridiculous. Sorry.
