terra.nuvo
Student
- Feb 15, 2024
- 180
I just purchased some SN I think. I'm hoping it is a good source. It said that it was 99% pure but I'm still not sure. I don't have money for a test kit so I'm just gonna have to hope and pray that the SN is good. It feels almost surreal that once it arrives I'll have the ability to go at any moment. It's just deciding what moment I want to go that's the hard part. I'm still nervous about what happens after death. I'm doing this because I finally want to be at peace so I don't want to find out that the other side is some hellscape. I'm also nervous about leaving my mother. I know she'll be devastated when I finally CTB. I don't know if she'll be able to recover. I want to leave a note but I've been recording voice memos instead and videos to log my final days. I'm kind of using it as a coping mechanism at this point rather than a form of suicide note.
I really hope the SN is legit. Otherwise, I don't know what avenue I'd take. I'm basically broke right now and don't have the means to obtain other methods and I'm not jumping of a bridge. That just seems way to scary of a task. It's funny though. I have been praying for help from God for so long but then instead I prayed that I would find some SN and it seemed like the source just appeared out of thin air. It's almost like God wants me to die. Or at leasst he wants to leave the choice up to me or something and he's just providing the means. I don't know.
I wish I wasn't so scared ab out death. I want to come to terms with the fact that my life is over. I mean I kind of have already since I've basically given up on life. But I haven't come to terms with the finality of death. But what else can I do. I've ruined my life beyond repair. And even if I could repair it, I don't have the energy or the motivation to do so. The one time I was truly happy in life was when I was in school going after a goal but now I have no goals and I'm lost. And that's no way to live. And I can't keep hoping that God is gonna send me an answer to all my problems. If he were going to he would've done so by now I think. My mom keeps telling me to trust in God and put all my faith in Him but how can I do that when the reality of my situation is constantly in my face.
I genuinely wish things were different. I wish I was smarter, more energized, and better able to work in this world. I wish I hadn't pushed away the one person who made me feel special and loved. I wish I could tell him I love him and that I'm sorry and have him respond back to me. I wish I hadn't let the depression take over my life, ruining it just when it was truly about to begin. I don't want to die. I just see no other option at this point.
I really hope the SN is legit. Otherwise, I don't know what avenue I'd take. I'm basically broke right now and don't have the means to obtain other methods and I'm not jumping of a bridge. That just seems way to scary of a task. It's funny though. I have been praying for help from God for so long but then instead I prayed that I would find some SN and it seemed like the source just appeared out of thin air. It's almost like God wants me to die. Or at leasst he wants to leave the choice up to me or something and he's just providing the means. I don't know.
I wish I wasn't so scared ab out death. I want to come to terms with the fact that my life is over. I mean I kind of have already since I've basically given up on life. But I haven't come to terms with the finality of death. But what else can I do. I've ruined my life beyond repair. And even if I could repair it, I don't have the energy or the motivation to do so. The one time I was truly happy in life was when I was in school going after a goal but now I have no goals and I'm lost. And that's no way to live. And I can't keep hoping that God is gonna send me an answer to all my problems. If he were going to he would've done so by now I think. My mom keeps telling me to trust in God and put all my faith in Him but how can I do that when the reality of my situation is constantly in my face.
I genuinely wish things were different. I wish I was smarter, more energized, and better able to work in this world. I wish I hadn't pushed away the one person who made me feel special and loved. I wish I could tell him I love him and that I'm sorry and have him respond back to me. I wish I hadn't let the depression take over my life, ruining it just when it was truly about to begin. I don't want to die. I just see no other option at this point.
