pixi
how can you escape from yourself?
- Jan 11, 2025
- 100
hi! been a while since i've made a post, and my life has completely changed for the better. i have been seeing a psychiatrist for a while, but just these last few months, ive started on vyvanse in the morning, and adderall in the evening, and its done more than i could've ever expected it to.
i can hold a job now. i quit showing up to work for 2 months before i was prescribed these meds, and before i quit showing up completely, i was only showing up once every few weeks, and the few times i did show up, i was drunk. i just couldn't handle it anymore, and i spent most of every day drinking very large amounts of whatever alcohol was the strongest.
i wanted to ctb so bad, but at the rate i was declining, i probably wouldn't have had to do it myself soon anyway. basically every single day was alcohol poisoning for me. i was puking large amounts of blood all the time and ended up in the hospital over it, and still i didn't care enough to put the bottle down and face life. i didn't have it in me.
my bedroom was a complete biohazard. every bodily function you can think of was in my room in some place. mostly vomit from my drinking habits, and the vomit contained blood. there was also a lot of blood from sh. i have also gotten drunk and peed myself more than i'd like to admit. also had various containers with pee in it because i'd get too lazy to go to the bathroom. i also had a run in with drinking mouthwash after the legal cut off time to buy alcohol, and i got so messed up that not only was i puking everywhere, i had diarrhea all over my bed and on the floor. every. bodily. fluid. left there for months to mold and rot, and made the whole upstairs floor of my house smell terrible. that's not even getting to the maggots.
ofc i blamed the smell on the litter box being up there. no one believed me, and they shouldn't have, but my poor cat lol.
my first few weeks on, i spent the very large majority of my time deep cleaning my room. not only did i have to clean the room, but i had to clean every single item in the room and throw out the things i couldn't. for the first time in about 10 years, i stuck to it and finished it. i bought myself a new bed too. it's just a mattress on the floor at the moment, but it's what i have right now and i'm content. no more spring filled twin bed that probably should've made me sick.
i haven't had a single alcoholic drink in more than 2 months. i don't know exactly how long ago i quit, but since i got on a dosage that works for me, i haven't even felt the URGE to touch alcohol since. i think i used it as a sort of instant gratification. it was dopamine in a bottle to me. i no longer feel the gap i was trying to fill with it. my alcoholism gone in a blink, and i didn't even plan to stop drinking. i didn't think i could.
everything just feels manageable now. i feel like life is on easy mode. i knew my adhd was definitely not good, but i didn't realize that it was the main cause for almost every issue i had in my life. i'm 21 years old and i feel like ive wasted every year up to this point. but it's so satisfying to be able to breathe now. i have a lot of catching up to do, but once im there, i know things will be even EASIER. i'm almost worried ill get bored.
my psychiatrist and i did "scales" for anxiety and depression when i first started seeing her. both were a 10, but that was with me lying to her about my thoughts to die and any other question that involved wanting or thinking about harming myself. theyre both at a 3 now, without me lying. and if anyone doesn't know, the 10 would be a moderate, the 3 is "normal", meaning i no longer fit the criteria for having anxiety or depression.
i never thought id reach this point. im actually happy. for the first time in my life. i really wish i got myself to see someone sooner.
i can hold a job now. i quit showing up to work for 2 months before i was prescribed these meds, and before i quit showing up completely, i was only showing up once every few weeks, and the few times i did show up, i was drunk. i just couldn't handle it anymore, and i spent most of every day drinking very large amounts of whatever alcohol was the strongest.
i wanted to ctb so bad, but at the rate i was declining, i probably wouldn't have had to do it myself soon anyway. basically every single day was alcohol poisoning for me. i was puking large amounts of blood all the time and ended up in the hospital over it, and still i didn't care enough to put the bottle down and face life. i didn't have it in me.
my bedroom was a complete biohazard. every bodily function you can think of was in my room in some place. mostly vomit from my drinking habits, and the vomit contained blood. there was also a lot of blood from sh. i have also gotten drunk and peed myself more than i'd like to admit. also had various containers with pee in it because i'd get too lazy to go to the bathroom. i also had a run in with drinking mouthwash after the legal cut off time to buy alcohol, and i got so messed up that not only was i puking everywhere, i had diarrhea all over my bed and on the floor. every. bodily. fluid. left there for months to mold and rot, and made the whole upstairs floor of my house smell terrible. that's not even getting to the maggots.
ofc i blamed the smell on the litter box being up there. no one believed me, and they shouldn't have, but my poor cat lol.
my first few weeks on, i spent the very large majority of my time deep cleaning my room. not only did i have to clean the room, but i had to clean every single item in the room and throw out the things i couldn't. for the first time in about 10 years, i stuck to it and finished it. i bought myself a new bed too. it's just a mattress on the floor at the moment, but it's what i have right now and i'm content. no more spring filled twin bed that probably should've made me sick.
i haven't had a single alcoholic drink in more than 2 months. i don't know exactly how long ago i quit, but since i got on a dosage that works for me, i haven't even felt the URGE to touch alcohol since. i think i used it as a sort of instant gratification. it was dopamine in a bottle to me. i no longer feel the gap i was trying to fill with it. my alcoholism gone in a blink, and i didn't even plan to stop drinking. i didn't think i could.
everything just feels manageable now. i feel like life is on easy mode. i knew my adhd was definitely not good, but i didn't realize that it was the main cause for almost every issue i had in my life. i'm 21 years old and i feel like ive wasted every year up to this point. but it's so satisfying to be able to breathe now. i have a lot of catching up to do, but once im there, i know things will be even EASIER. i'm almost worried ill get bored.
my psychiatrist and i did "scales" for anxiety and depression when i first started seeing her. both were a 10, but that was with me lying to her about my thoughts to die and any other question that involved wanting or thinking about harming myself. theyre both at a 3 now, without me lying. and if anyone doesn't know, the 10 would be a moderate, the 3 is "normal", meaning i no longer fit the criteria for having anxiety or depression.
i never thought id reach this point. im actually happy. for the first time in my life. i really wish i got myself to see someone sooner.
