Finally going to do it. If I fail, I will share everything on this thread from now on.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Ugh... It is too much now. Multiple things continue to go bad, and I can do nothing about them. Once more, a little introduction to my state of mind. There are hundreds of things that bother me, but two things that have been hitting hard since the past few months are the following. People who have read my previous posts can skip this section and jump to the 4th paragraph in this post.

I hate my body because it is weak. And no, training self defense or martial art will not make me stronger in the sense I want it(Already done it if someone's asking. Personally training self-defense in the end felt like putting unnecessary burden on me that gave me nothing.). No matter how big I am, I can still be taken down by a few surprise attacks on weak portions of my body, be ganged up, be attacked by a weapon etc. I have never been 'surprise grabbed' by attackers from behind, but have been surprise struck by attackers, in my vital portions, unluckily all of whom were trained. Happened to me only a few times, but enough to mentally scar me. I have this paranoid feeling, and body image issue which I can do nothing about(I can not 'train' myself to take hits to the liver, temple, neck, eyes, crotch, kneecap, nose etc.), which has gotten worse lately, and keeps getting worse. I try to get rid of it, but it comes back.

I am not looking for religious discussion, I am just writing down my feelings. I feel like God has left me. I am not having a weak faith or beginning to stop believe in God, I just feel like he has left me, or that I am in 'hell'. No matter what I do, things keep getting worse, and after so much time it is clear(to me, remember that these are my feelings) that all of this is no coincidence.

Things in general have been going horrible for me, big and small. My family life has messed up badly, for reasons I had no hand in. I lost several people in my relation to horrible diseases in the past few months. My house is in a bad state as no one had looked after it, my garden has been for the first time hit hard by pests and is destroyed, 3 years of hard work gone in a month. You must have seen me being quite active on this forum for the past few days, talking to people did felt good. But the sadness and panic attacks just do not stop hitting. It feels like trying to 'improve my body image'(which is impossible for my case) or 'see the good things in life' is extra pain that yields nothing, at least to me. I feel it is best for me to now find peace. A permanent solution to all my temporary and permanent problems that I have now, and can potentially get in future.

So, back to the topic. I have read the wiki articles and a few threads here, as well as the materials from the LostAllhope website. And it seems that the best way of catching the bus for me is hanging. Cutting is not a good idea, the survival instincts and pain will likely ruin it, or make it be a super slow and painful death. It is impossible for me to get my hands on SN, and I hate chemistry >:-(. I have no big enough buildings to jump from and not likely end up in a condition like Dr. Stephen Hawking was in. Hanging is a method where unconsciousness sets in quickly, and death is certain.

For some reason, there is this really strong iron hook hanging in my bathroom's ceiling. I never understood why it was left there, but I can surely put it to good use. I have suspended my body from it using my hands, and it does not even move! I have a perfect thing to secure my rope to, and the only reason I did not try it out now is that I do not have a strong enough rope at hand. I will buy it tomorrow, need to get up early as the local government here is only allowing shops to open up for 6AM to 10AM to stop the virus from spreading. I am sharing an image I found on the internet that resembles the rope I am planning to buy. Will this type of Nylon rope work? It is the only type of rope that I have found on local shops that seems like it can handle the 65 kg me. I am planning to 'rope' myself tomorrow night, and if I fail I will talk about all my future tries here on this thread. If I fail tommorow night, I will post something the day after tomorrow, and get ready to try again. Thank you for everyone who has supported me here so far, I am still here, but hopefully would not be for long.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry life has brought you to this point. That rope looks fine, and any non stretchy thing that Is strong and can be tied into a slip knot is fine.

Im here if you want to talk

 

[gus.nixon]

I hear you man. Life is a painful and cruel joke. You sound determined to use the hanging method, but have you looked into the "night-night" method? It's similar but different and you can do it while lying down.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-night-night-method-mega-thread.6834/

 

[Infinite Conscious]

Without being able to understand your reasons (especially the "body being weak" one), I would ask you - do you REALLY wish to die?

Because it sounds to me that you don't, not really. You prepare both yourself and us for continuing to write about your situation and the potentially "failed attempt".

Because if you were certain of what you want, there would not be any doubt or "failing", especially with a method like full suspension hanging.
But you are not ready, are you?
Nothing wrong with that, none of us are either, or we wouldn't still be here.

When you have 2 possibilities and are uncertain, throw a coin.
The moment you throw it in the air, you will know immediately which option you prefer and hope for.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I'm sorry life has brought you to this point. That rope looks fine, and any non stretchy thing that Is strong and can be tied into a slip knot is fine.

Im here if you want to talk ❤

Thank you. Even though I do not have one lying around my house, I have used the type of rope I have shown. It sure is non stretchy and strong, what I am worried about is that it may not tighten easily because of its design. But then again, some soap or oil can solve this right?

I hear you man. Life is a painful and cruel joke. You sound determined to use the hanging method, but have you looked into the "night-night" method? It's similar but different and you can do it while lying down.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-night-night-method-mega-thread.6834/

Painful and cruel joke are understatements for what life really is haha. From what I have seen, there are literally tons of reasons that can drive one to the point we are in, some that may sound odd to you. Well, my case of 'body-image' problem(that my body is a sea of weak points and I can not do anything about it), thanks to the bullies I have had problems with, is odd to many people, but for me it is very real and concerns me every day.

Anyway, thanks for the method you shared. It sounds interesting, and similar to suspension hanging. But I will need to get a ratchet to properly perform it, or some Gorilla tape which I do not think I would be able to use properly. I guess I will stick with suspension hanging.

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you. Even though I do not have one lying around my house, I have used the type of rope I have shown. It sure is non stretchy and strong, what I am worried about is that it may not tighten easily because of its design. But then again, some soap or oil can solve this right?

I don't have any practice with this, but I would assume soap or other lubricants would help. worst case you could find a smoother rope style.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Without being able to understand your reasons (especially the "body being weak" one), I would ask you - do you REALLY wish to die?

Because it sounds to me that you don't, not really. You prepare both yourself and us for continuing to write about your situation and the potentially "failed attempt".

Because if you were certain of what you want, there would not be any doubt or "failing", especially with a method like full suspension hanging.
But you are not ready, are you?
Nothing wrong with that, none of us are either, or we wouldn't still be here.

When you have 2 possibilities and are uncertain, throw a coin.
The moment you throw it in the air, you will know immediately which option you prefer.

Thank you for your helpful words. I am certain, I just wanted to talk a little about the methods and write something like a goodbye thread. Full suspension hangings are not full-proof from what I have read.

For the "body being weak" thing, hard to explain. It is a form of body-image problem that I have. I had problems with bullies since I was young till now, I had seen many people get bullied, become victims of police brutality, get assaulted personally. I personally find it depressing that how weak the human body is overall, and how many weak points it has. As I said in the OP, no matter how tough you are, a perfect strike to places like neck, eyes, liver etc. can get you down, and people often get surprised attacks. I have been surprised attack on non-lethal weak points in my body. Then you can always be ganged up or attacked with a weapon, the former I have been in. I hate how weak the human body is, I sometimes feel a little paranoid up close, specially with women since I had due to some reason bully problems with women too, with the first and the worst one being a woman. I wish my body was not like that, that the weaknesses it has as a result of evolution not factoring them in yet or God's punishment to man's sin, did not exist. I know it sounds odd to people, but it is a very real and affects me greatly, and it is not the only thing. In simpler words, I feel that anybody can attack and harm me and I would not be able to stop them, and I feel emotional pain from it.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I can understand you well. Your life was really not very nice, the psychological problems very stressful.

But the obsessions must be real torture. Can't do anything about it, even if you know exactly that they are wrong. That they're just a mental disorder. Your desire for rest is more than understandable.

I think the sturdy hook in the bathroom is really nice.

As if it is on purpose and someone wants to apologize that your life has been so hard and offers you the optimal place for it.
You did your research well and decided to hang. Stick with it and don't do experiments, it's a quick and enjoyable method.

I wish you a lot of success and a quick, pleasant journey, we will see each other again soon.

Goidbye my friend

 

[Infinite Conscious]

Thank you for your helpful words. I am certain, I just wanted to talk a little about the methods and write something like a goodbye thread. Full suspension hangings are not full-proof from what I have read.

For the "body being weak" thing, hard to explain. It is a form of body-image problem that I have. I had problems with bullies since I was young till now, I had seen many people get bullied, become victims of police brutality, get assaulted personally. I personally find it depressing that how weak the human body is overall, and how many weak points it has. As I said in the OP, no matter how tough you are, a perfect strike to places like neck, eyes, liver etc. can get you down, and people often get surprised attacks. I have been surprised attack on non-lethal weak points in my body. Then you can always be ganged up or attacked with a weapon, the former I have been in. I hate how weak the human body is, I sometimes feel a little paranoid up close, specially with women since I had due to some reason bully problems with women too, with the first and the worst one being a woman. I wish my body was not like that, that the weaknesses it has as a result of evolution not factoring them in yet or God's punishment to man's sin, did not exist. I know it sounds odd to people, but it is a very real and affects me greatly, and it is not the only thing. In simpler words, I feel that anybody can attack and harm me and I would not be able to stop them, and I feel emotional pain from it.

WOW!?

You should not have our imperfection as a reason to kill yourself.
You know how strong a buffalo is, and yet it gets killed and eaten by lions.
Lions get sometimes bullied by hyenas... elephants and hyppos are humongous, yet all have weak points and eventually get overpowered by others.
Sharks get eaten and bullied, so do whales, the biggest animals on Earth.

So what?
We are not perfect.
Every being in the universe has weaknesses.
But does that mean that we should live in constant fear, or to end our existence because of it?

You are a product of 4 billion years of evolution or a divine creation... you are as perfect as any being in this universe could be.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

WOW!?

You should not have our imperfection as a reason to kill yourself.
You know how strong a buffalo is, and yet it gets killed and eaten by lions.
Lions get sometimes bullied by hyenas... elephants and hyppos are humongous, yet all have weak points and eventually get overpowered by others.
Sharks get eaten and bullied, so do whales, the biggest animals on Earth.

So what?
We are not perfect.
Every being in the universe has weaknesses.
But does that mean that we should live in constant fear, or to end our existence because of it?

I understand you have traumas, but those can be treated by therapists.
You even seem to know the source of your traumas, which theoretically makes it easier to treat.
But even if you didn't know the source/cause, hypnotherapy could help you dig it up.

You can't give up on life because we as humans are not physically perfect and impenetrable.
And today there is less bullying than ever before in history of mankind... and you can always call 911. :)

Sorry for "invading" your privacy, I just tried to empathize with a problem I never faced before.

And you know what... even when we die, we don't escape.
Chances are we get born again, with a whole another set of weak points, but with the same mission and lessons.
Only when we evolve enough and learn our lessons in life, do we get a chance to join our Creator and his "perfection".

Fuck the weak points. :)
You are a product of 4 billion years of evolution or a divine creation... you are as perfect as any being in this universe could be.

I guess you don't know much about trauma. Perhaps you are also a trained psychiatrist.

But to say that trauma can be healed just like that is simply wrong.

Absolutely wrong

I don't want to offend you, but whoever says that had better be calm.

 

[Infinite Conscious]

I guess you don't know much about trauma. Perhaps you are also a trained psychiatrist.

But to say that trauma can be healed just like that is simply wrong.

Absolutely wrong

I don't want to offend you, but whoever says that had better be calm.

I probably went to far, so even before your reply I deleted a part of my post.
I just tried to provide some positive support, but maybe I shouldn't have.
I have a BA in psychology, but am not a trained psychiatrist.

I apologize to the author of the thread if I stepped over the line.
Wishing all the best, whatever he chooses for himself.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Thanks everyone for their kind words. Today is the day, hopefully.

I hope that I can finally find mental peace now. I will no longer feel paranoid, will no longer have trouble with bullies, will no longer have to go through the pain of losing loved ones, no longer feel troubled about god and his relationship to us. I try very hard, but the panic attacks keep hitting.

Bought the rope today, did a simple test by making a slip knot and tightening it around my neck. My head felt heavy and I felt somewhat dizzy, I guess it will do the thing. I wish I could have done drop hanging, but it is too complex for me. And suspension hanging just works as nicely. Even if death sets in half an hour, unconsciousness is quick.

I hope I will succeed tonight, the thoughts keep getting worse everyday. I tried talking to people here and it did felt better, but the bad feelings keep coming back soon after. It has always been like that for me.

 

[Ghost2211]

You're in my thoughts my friend. It's good to hear you figured out how to make hanging peaceful.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

If anybody is wondering, the time when I am going to do it is between 10:00-11:30 PM IST which is equal to 4:30-6:00 PM GMT. I think is better do it in the middle of night, as it is less likely someone will discover me.

 

[lost guy]

If anybody is wondering, the time when I am going to do it is between 10:00-11:30 PM IST which is equal to 4:30-6:00 PM GMT. I think is better do it in the middle of night, as it is less likely someone will discover me.

May peace be with you.

 

[Xiaomi]

If anybody is wondering, the time when I am going to do it is between 10:00-11:30 PM IST which is equal to 4:30-6:00 PM GMT. I think is better do it in the middle of night, as it is less likely someone will discover me.

I hope you go peacefully. When you see death, look him straight in the eye. I'll see you soon.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Experimented with the rope once more, I tied it in such a way that it would easily come off by pulling the free end. I did not even feel pain, just the world slowly going black. If I had not untied the rope, it may have been game over for me. I feel calm, that I can go away peacefully. A dead man feels no pain, physical or mental, he has no body to protect.

And if anybody is wondering, it had been about ten seconds before I untied the rope. I began falling unconscious after like 3 seconds as the world slowly went dark and I began feeling kind of lightheaded. My whole body was shaking but I could stand, I felt nothing but a mild headache afterwards. Anybody who has properly read the hanging guide here or on LostAllHope can be sure they can pass out quickly and peacefully provided that they do everything good.

I will still wait for night, someone might get suspicious of me and rescue me before I die. Nobody will interrupt me during night. I will hopefully sleep peacefully today, never to wake up.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I am really very happy that you are taking the time and familiarizing yourself with the rope. As you say, it's a quick and enjoyable method if done right. You will find your peace with it without fear.

No more pain, no more anxiety attacks, no more suffering.

Just peace.

Take your time until night, death has patience and waits for you. We will be with you in our thoughts and accompany you until you step through the magical gate that is still closed to us. Enjoy the other side, we'll see you again soon.

Wish you a short and pleasant trip

Goodbye My friend

 

[Ghost2211]

Experimented with the rope once more, I tied it in such a way that it would easily come off by pulling the free end. I did not even feel pain, just the world slowly going black. If I had not untied the rope, it may have been game over for me. I feel calm, that I can go away peacefully. A dead man feels no pain, physical or mental, he has no body to protect.

And if anybody is wondering, it had been about ten seconds before I untied the rope. I began falling unconscious after like 3 seconds as the world slowly went dark and I began feeling kind of lightheaded. My whole body was shaking but I could stand, I felt nothing but a mild headache afterwards. Anybody who has properly read the hanging guide here or on LostAllHope can be sure they can pass out quickly and peacefully provided that they do everything good.

I will still wait for night, someone might get suspicious of me and rescue me before I die. Nobody will interrupt me during night. I will hopefully sleep peacefully today, never to wake up.

Thank you for sharing your experience. When I first came here hanging seemed painful and scary. The more I read things like this the more I can see it just takes patience and practice. Thank you for bringing me some added comfort that there Is more than one viable way to CTB.

I hope you enjoy and make the most of your last day. I'm here if you want a friend to talk to.

 

[Meditation guide]

I wish my body was not like that, that the weaknesses it has as a result of evolution not factoring them in yet

Your body has been in service to you your entire life and should be cherished and respected for reliably waking you up every day, allowing you to walk and move, breath, and do all the thousands of things it does to keep you alive without you even thinking about them. I guess I'm not able to understand the thing about your body being weak and for that I apologize. It sounds like you actually know it's really based on a mental condition or prior trauma, rather than actual problems with your body.

I tied it in such a way that it would easily come off by pulling the free end. I did not even feel pain, just the world slowly going black. If I had not untied the rope, it may have been game over for me. I feel calm, that I can go away peacefully

I'm so sorry to hear life has brought you to this, I'm sure it must be very comforting to know you can reliably ctb. I wish you peace and success whatever you choose to do.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i hope your journey is peaceful.

 

[Meditation guide]

When you experimented with partial hanging, did you feel air hunger or suffocation? Were you sitting or standing?

 

[TAW122]

If you are still around, I hope you are able to find peace in whatever you do, if not, then I hope you had a peaceful exit into the unknown.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Your body has been in service to you your entire life and should be cherished and respected for reliably waking you up every day, allowing you to walk and move, breath, and do all the thousands of things it does to keep you alive without you even thinking about them. I guess I'm not able to understand the thing about your body being weak and for that I apologize. It sounds like you actually know it's really based on a mental condition or prior trauma, rather than actual problems with your body.

You are not getting it, and it is fine. Even the psychiatrists I talked to when I was young could not get it.

It is not my fault that a part of my liver, like everyone, extends beyond my ribs which any attacker can easily exploit to deal a debilitating blow. Nor can I do anything about my inflexible kneecap susceptible to damage, my nose that can be easily damaged with a punch or headbutt, my solar plexus that can easily leave me gasping for air if hit in, nor can I do about my highly innervated and unprotected genitals that are highly susceptible to damage, and have the added humiliation factor of being hit in, and people laughing at you, as happened to me when I was young(I posted the story here). All of the above has happened to me at least once, and such attacks are hard to block, specially when thrown by surprise or with another person grabbing you from behind. I can not train my body to handle blows to such weak points, it is biologically impossible, and over the years I have developed this body-image problem that my body is irrepairably weak. That anyone can come in and sneak a blow to my groin, solar plexus, nose etc without me being able to react in time, and it actually has happened a few times, enough to make me scared that such thing can happen anytime I am in public. I do feel a little insecure around people, and tend to avoid going out, specially alone.

When you experimented with partial hanging, did you feel air hunger or suffocation? Were you sitting or standing?

I tried to tighten the rope with hand before doing the thing, it is all about finding the spot.

I was standing. I had been standing on a table before I tied the rope and stepped down. The rope was tied in such a way that when I stepped down I was on my feet with the rope tightening around my neck really hard, and I did lean forward a bit. I felt a little suffocated at first, but it was not even bothersome. It felt like breathing when you are wearing two medical masks, you just have a harder time breathing. However, it actually went away after 3 seconds as unconsciousness began to set in.



Okay people, midnight is coming.

I am waiting till everyone here goes to bed, or begin watching netflix/pirated movie sites on their phone/tablet/laptop/desktop. After which I will try to catch the bus. It shall take 1-2 hours before this happens.

I took an afternoon nap for 2 hours, having weird dreams, that is why I could not respond to messages more quickly. I actually feel very calm right now, more than ever.

Today, I might succeed in leaving the world. Or even if I fail, which I hopefully not, I have a reliable method I can use anytime and end my life. It is a good think to know. If anybody who is in the same condition as me and wants to end their suffering, and are planning to choose suspension hanging. I will tell them that it is a painless and reliable method setting up which is easy. But you still need a little practice. Tie the other end of the rope in such a way that it comes off easily and experiment till you find the spot and a position in which you can pass out easily. Then do it when you are calm, and mentally prepared to get rid of your pain..

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

Wish you all the best tonight, no matter what you decide

 

[airboy_a380]

May you find the peace you're looking for. If you change your mind we are here with open arms. Wish I was brave as you.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Waiting for everyone to fall asleep, 1 hour and 15 minutes till midnight, almost everyone in the building is asleep. I am neither too excited nor too stressed.

The rope with is in my pocket, the piece of cloth I plan to use as padding is in my hand, the bathroom is a few steps away. I hope I can do it today, and not fail. I think I made some people a little suspicious with my behavior today, but no one probably expects me to ctb.

I do not think I will need lubrication, the rope slides fine. Padding is always important for me, it helps to avoid pain as well as marks on your neck in case you survive without brain damage and discovery and want to hide that you attempted suicide.

 

[airboy_a380]

Waiting for everyone to fall asleep, 1 hour and 15 minutes till midnight, almost everyone in the building is asleep. I am neither too excited nor too stressed.

The rope with is in my pocket, the piece of cloth I plan to use as padding is in my hand, the bathroom is a few steps away. I hope I can do it today, and not fail. I think I made some people a little suspicious with my behavior today, but no one probably expects me to ctb.

I do not think I will need lubrication, the rope slides fine. Padding is always important for me, it helps to avoid pain as well as marks on your neck in case you survive without brain damage and discovery and want to hide that you attempted suicide.

Don't care what other people think. Do as you wish, but also don't feel forced to do it because of what people might think or not. I personally would like you only to make sure that's what you want for sure. My pm is open if you want.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Ah, now is the time I guess, everyone is asleep or have their heads inside netflix/pirated movie sites with earphones.

You may never understand the reasons for someone's pain, but you can understand that they are in pain. And that is all you need.

Pray me luck people. If I succeed, I will forever be in peace. If I fail, I can be sure I have an effective method I can try anytime. Suicide is no easy task once you are actually performing it, the survival instincts bang at unexpected times, no doubt most attempts fail. I have carefully planned everything, if I am breathing tomorrow, it is probably because I failed, and I will let you know. SS feels like the nicest place on the internet, where everyone is understanding and no one judges you.

Good luck everyone, I will just wait a little longer, calm myself, and go for it.

 

[rt1989526]

Wishing you peace and comfort my friend