_Broken_alice
She/Her
- Nov 19, 2023
- 220
So, we decided that since we are at the point we are, to at the least try a few things to break our psychotic depression.
We have been on a lot of combos of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics that never helped and often made things much worse and one even caused permanent issues due to OD'ing even exactly taking our prescribed dose. (Defective CYP2D6 genes. Causes lots of issues for nearly every common medication. Opiates do next to nothing if anything, SSRI's don't process right leading to a massive buildup at normal doses. Even Naproxen Sodium is dangerous to us which is unfortunate as it is the only thing we found to help with our pain enough since opiates provide no relief.)
Last night, we got full relief we never expected we could with ketamine. A few hours of absolutely zero depression, zero anxiety, and zero pain. A lifetime of depression just evaporated almost like it never existed. We aren't doing perfect today as our life circumstances absolutely warrant the depression, but this is the first day in months that the urges to CTB are just gone. We feel like if we can somehow make it out of the situation we are in, we could actually be reasonably happy. We haven't felt like we even could be happy since elementary school when the thoughts of wanting to die first started (overwhelming gender-dysphoria + abuse, neglect, and abandonment).
It is so great to finally know what a proper baseline of ZERO depression and such feels like. The relief is very much still present today, nearly 16 hours later. The depression is there, but it is not all-consuming as it has been this year since our unexpected divorce.
While we still have a very long way to go, and may very well still CTB if things can't work out, we actually feel like trying to improve for the first time in as long as we can remember. For the first time in a long time, things feel somewhat manageable even though we are still at a complete loss as for how to remedy our situation enough to matter long term. We even cried tears of relief earlier.
The only downside we are seeing is we are not *very* aware of just how much pain we are in every day physically. We subconciously block out so much that is minor compared to the worst, but very much still a problem. Lots of low level nerve pain throughout our entire body.Now that we have experienced zero pain for the first time since childhood, we are aware of every bit of pain we had ignored. It isn't worse, it's actually still lessened greatly, we are just now very aware of it all. We are also very aware our pain fits symptoms for MS near perfectly which does run in our family. Also explains why our back injury is still so bad ~7 years later and in some ways getting worse with secondary issues. If we make it through this, we will be seeking testing for that ASAP. We have suspected for a few years now.
To say the least, last night's experience was life changing, and potentially life saving. For the first time since being aware of our DID and becoming co-concious, the internal conflict is gone. Two of our alters with very different view points are contentedly getting along blended which never happens.
Sorry if this is hard to read and follow.. We are always disorganized and have a very hard time putting our thoughts into words. DID makes that much worse as we have to take multiple inputs and get one output.
Others facing similar unrelenting depression may want to highly consider ketamine as an option. Clinical treatments are insanely expensive at US$600 on the low end, other DNM sources, very much not so. Just be careful, the substance is very much not without risk although most issues are usually only a problem if abused. (Bladder issues are common if abused. Guaranteed if abused heavily.) Other issues are mainly physical safety under the influence of a powerful disassociative anesthetic. The substance does have a fairly high abuse potential, so be careful of that as well. For us, the pros heavily outweigh the cons and this is going to be a regular but controlled thing in dealing with our depression as it is the only thing that has provided such relief.
We have been on a lot of combos of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics that never helped and often made things much worse and one even caused permanent issues due to OD'ing even exactly taking our prescribed dose. (Defective CYP2D6 genes. Causes lots of issues for nearly every common medication. Opiates do next to nothing if anything, SSRI's don't process right leading to a massive buildup at normal doses. Even Naproxen Sodium is dangerous to us which is unfortunate as it is the only thing we found to help with our pain enough since opiates provide no relief.)
Last night, we got full relief we never expected we could with ketamine. A few hours of absolutely zero depression, zero anxiety, and zero pain. A lifetime of depression just evaporated almost like it never existed. We aren't doing perfect today as our life circumstances absolutely warrant the depression, but this is the first day in months that the urges to CTB are just gone. We feel like if we can somehow make it out of the situation we are in, we could actually be reasonably happy. We haven't felt like we even could be happy since elementary school when the thoughts of wanting to die first started (overwhelming gender-dysphoria + abuse, neglect, and abandonment).
It is so great to finally know what a proper baseline of ZERO depression and such feels like. The relief is very much still present today, nearly 16 hours later. The depression is there, but it is not all-consuming as it has been this year since our unexpected divorce.
While we still have a very long way to go, and may very well still CTB if things can't work out, we actually feel like trying to improve for the first time in as long as we can remember. For the first time in a long time, things feel somewhat manageable even though we are still at a complete loss as for how to remedy our situation enough to matter long term. We even cried tears of relief earlier.
The only downside we are seeing is we are not *very* aware of just how much pain we are in every day physically. We subconciously block out so much that is minor compared to the worst, but very much still a problem. Lots of low level nerve pain throughout our entire body.Now that we have experienced zero pain for the first time since childhood, we are aware of every bit of pain we had ignored. It isn't worse, it's actually still lessened greatly, we are just now very aware of it all. We are also very aware our pain fits symptoms for MS near perfectly which does run in our family. Also explains why our back injury is still so bad ~7 years later and in some ways getting worse with secondary issues. If we make it through this, we will be seeking testing for that ASAP. We have suspected for a few years now.
To say the least, last night's experience was life changing, and potentially life saving. For the first time since being aware of our DID and becoming co-concious, the internal conflict is gone. Two of our alters with very different view points are contentedly getting along blended which never happens.
Sorry if this is hard to read and follow.. We are always disorganized and have a very hard time putting our thoughts into words. DID makes that much worse as we have to take multiple inputs and get one output.
Others facing similar unrelenting depression may want to highly consider ketamine as an option. Clinical treatments are insanely expensive at US$600 on the low end, other DNM sources, very much not so. Just be careful, the substance is very much not without risk although most issues are usually only a problem if abused. (Bladder issues are common if abused. Guaranteed if abused heavily.) Other issues are mainly physical safety under the influence of a powerful disassociative anesthetic. The substance does have a fairly high abuse potential, so be careful of that as well. For us, the pros heavily outweigh the cons and this is going to be a regular but controlled thing in dealing with our depression as it is the only thing that has provided such relief.
