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idhayam

idhayam

not my world ❦
Sep 23, 2023
44
I think that it is finally time to try using sodium nitrate to die. I cannot wait any longer; the exam pressure that I have is unbearable - if I keep procrastinating my inevitable death my parents will not only see my dead body but also the embarrassment of my failure. So it is best that I just do it now, now that I have the SN. I like journalling, and although this isn't how I usually do it, welcome to my final SaSu diary, I guess...

It's currently 12:56 UTC, and I'll use this thread to document how I feel throughout my final SN journey. For information, I successfully bought this from DMC on the 21st December using the prepaid card method (I actually just used the "virtual card" feature on my mobile banking app), it was shipped on the 24th and I received it on 3rd January. The only things that I'm using is the sodium nitrite itself and paracetamol. I haven't eaten anything since last night, and had spiced tea as my last drink at around 08:00 UTC.

It doesn't seem like I'm able to think straight - I can't stop thinking about the times I've embarrassed myself and what others think of me, and how others would continue to think of me once I've finally gone through with this. Me buying SN was impulsive in itself - I panicked after I realized that using citric acid and baking soda wouldn't work, and had completed my SN purchase within the next hour. It was out of luck that I was the first person to see the package - a small black box with a Ukrainian sticker and a stamp with both mine and DMC's details on it. I haven't opened it yet.

I've based my protocol off what I've seen in other posts - I've already started the fasting so I'll list everything yet to be done:


2 hours before
Consume one paracetamol 500mg tablet
1 hour beforeConsume one paracetamol 500mg tablet
30 minutes beforeStart preparing two 25g SN glasses
At around 16:00 UTCDrink the first glass of SN water and wait

I plan to start CTB at around 16:00 UTC today, but earlier will be preferred. I'll only use half of the SN, so I can save some if I fail this time. This will also be my first experience that I remember of fainting and being unconscious so it will be slightly scary.

Being pressured to just study is currently what hurts me the most. I have no ambition, I can't even decide what I want for myself, other than wanting answers for who I am and who I'm truly meant to be. I have lost all my energy, and even though all of this was just to help me I can't continue. This is the feelings I had last year, when I stumbled on this site through Quora and decided to make an account after a failed attempt with nitrogen. But then I thought that I should give myself one last chance to live, and so I stopped using the site immediately after my account was approved. But now I found myself in the same situation, thus I found my account and returned.

It seems like I enjoy writing like this - since this isn't being addressed to anyone I can write without fear of what others think. It's 14:04 UTC right now, I just took the first paracetamol tablet. It felt weird but didn't taste anything as it's a capsule - it's the first time I put the pill before the water in my mouth so I could minimize the amount of water that I drink. I've been swallowing some spit throughout my fast, hope it's okay. I also used the toilet 5 minutes ago so I hope I've drained out all the excess inside of me.

It's now 15:01 UTC, I've swallowed the second paracetamol tablet.

Now 15:37 UTC. There was a slight problem, so I'm delaying my SN consumption by half an hour. I've seen successful protocols with people taking ibuprofen up to 2 hours in advance - I'll take a third 500mg at 16:00 UTC if needed.

I decided that the music I will listening to whilst executing this is Experience by Einaudi - I will never forget the euphoria that the piece gave me, and now that's been years since I last listened to it I hope I can replicate that experience. I'll also do some minor exercise as I want to use the toilet before drinking SN.

It's now 15:53, time to open the little black box. It's packed very nicely, labelled purity 99.6%. I do not have the resources to test this.

16:18 UTC; I'm a bit scared, but anyways I've measured out two glasses of 25g SN, I'll start filling it with water.

16:29 UTC; stirring the first glass to quicken the dissolving.

16:31 UTC, I'll do some preparation before drinking. I'm slightly scared to actually drink it, but it's okay. I'll also open the sinkhole as I'll definitely vomit - I'm not using any kind of antiemetics.

16:36 UTC, will start to drink. It's very salty. It's made my lips dry. I'll swallow some saliva to quell the taste.

16:37 UTC, finished the first glass. I will do some more exercise, but the most noticeable thing is that my stomach feels heavy.

16:42 UTC, feeling a bit nauseous. I'll stop exercising and take off my headphones. I'll stop typing and schedule the post now.


Goodbye!
 
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K

Kalista

Failed hard to pull the trigger - Now using SN
Feb 5, 2023
426
leave well
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,870
wishing you a peaceful transition 🫂🤍
 
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Crow_88

Crow_88

Student
Dec 30, 2024
196
Rest well
 
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APeacefulPlace

APeacefulPlace

Ape
Dec 2, 2024
298
Rest well now 💜
 
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Namelesa

Namelesa

Trapped in this Suffering
Sep 21, 2024
1,368
Whatever happens, I hope you can escape the pain of this world. Exam and education pressure is so stressful.
 
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dexdbxtchthewxtch

dexdbxtchthewxtch

flirting with death 🖤
Dec 31, 2024
66
Goodnight 🖤 🫂
 
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depressedinsomniac

depressedinsomniac

Member
Dec 29, 2024
96
i hope you found peace...
 
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SVEN

SVEN

I Wish I'd Been a Jester Too.
Apr 3, 2023
2,404
Every good wish, whatever the outcome.
 
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johnthefishermann

johnthefishermann

Member
Dec 15, 2024
6
May you rest well!
 
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human909

human909

Banned
Dec 30, 2024
594
I hope you find the peace the you've been looking for.
 
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MrFreshTheCat

MrFreshTheCat

Hello. SN
Jan 9, 2024
39
Hope you found peace :( 💖
 
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C

chandxoxo

Member
Jan 7, 2025
43
you've suffered enough ❤️ rest in peace....
silver nitrate would hurt more right? the nitrate to nitrite process ? that too with only paracetamol. can the comment section confirm if it's a good method then I'd use that too since nitrate is more available in my country along with paracetamol. idk where to obtain meto, xanax and beta blocker. meto ig i can
 
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C

CatLvr

Enlightened
Aug 1, 2024
1,115
May your heart and soul be at peace. ❤️❤️❤️
 
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ma0

ma0

How did I get here?
Dec 20, 2024
477
I hope you find the peace and happiness you're looking for.
 
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maniac116

maniac116

My own worst enemy🌹💔
Aug 10, 2024
1,483
Safe travels friend! 🤗🤗🤗🌹💔
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
41,478
I hope you find the peace you search for, I wish you the best.
 
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Xanabby

Xanabby

Dogs and death lover
Feb 20, 2022
29
So, this is time for you to cross the bridge. I wish you a peaceful journey dear stranger.
 
parasite_eve

parasite_eve

Between life and death; a secret third thing.
Jan 3, 2025
150
Peace and love
 
Gone soon

Gone soon

Guy who likes wearing womens' clothes
Jun 11, 2024
169
Best wishes. I hope everything goes well
 
A

Anon7b8

Experienced
Aug 21, 2023
264
Hope you find what it is you're looking for on the other side. Safe travels stranger.
 
squidsponge

squidsponge

Member
Sep 22, 2024
80
That was really fast. I wish I had this kind of resolve and courage. may your soul rest in peace 💜
 
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F

FailedBeing

Member
Dec 11, 2024
9
rest well friend may your soul have found peace and had a peaceful journey 🫂
 
cali22♡

cali22♡

Banned
Nov 11, 2023
452
Goodbye,

Hope you had a good journey and everything went well

Take care

</3
 
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C

CatLvr

Enlightened
Aug 1, 2024
1,115
Whatever happened I hope you are at peace now. Safe and gentle travels, my dear.
 
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H

howunfortunateforme

Arcanist
Oct 2, 2024
447
How do you know if these posts are fake? People just seeking attention
 
ijustwishtodie

ijustwishtodie

I have finally found my ultimate bliss
Oct 29, 2023
5,803
How do you know if these posts are fake? People just seeking attention
There is no way to know for sure but, come on, why would somebody want to be seeking attention on a suicide site out of all places? It just makes no logical sense to make a goodbye post for attention.
 
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Namelesa

Namelesa

Trapped in this Suffering
Sep 21, 2024
1,368
How do you know if these posts are fake? People just seeking attention
We probably know that they have either succeeded or have suffered consequences were they can't access this site anymore (turning into a vegetable, psyche ward prison etc) from the attempt failing if they don't come back online after a while. It also doesn't make sense to seek attention for a fake suicide attempt on a site where most people only find and come here cus they are suicidal and are really considering or definitely wanting to ctb.
 
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