bluerains2
New Member
- Nov 19, 2025
- 1
i don't think i'm ever going to end up actually killing myself. my most recent attempt was years ago now. and now i have people in my life that i'd hurt if i were to go through with it. i don't want to leave a negative impact in the world. i can't go that route.
but i think i still need some level of suicidal ideation to cope with being alive at all. because i need to know i have a way out. if i don't have a way out, i'm just trapped. and the horrible horrible crushing panicked dread of being trapped is much more likely to make me actually try something again. it's what led to it last time.
the external reality around me is not getting better and is objectively not going to get better within my natural lifespan, so the only way to live is to find some way to cope with that. find glimpses of beauty and happiness within the cracks. if i don't have a future, what matters is the present. i know that. i know that.
and i know i'm only sabotaging myself when i keep getting paralyzed and drowning in the overwhelming horror of the world and the future and the rot and decay and the suffering and etc. i keep tearing myself open because of things i can't control, and that only takes time and energy away from the present, so i end up with more lost and wasted time, and then i can just feel the clock ticking, the time running out, and that paralyzes me further, so i end up in these horrible loops.
part of that is definitely my ocd, with the thought loops and how they work. i fucking hate my brain. i just want a normal brain. i probably shouldn't dump the whole big list of my diagnoses here but yeah it's so fucking frustrating knowing so much is inherently neurologically working against me and i'll never be able to experience what it's like to function like a real human being should.
i'm kinda just stuck in this purgatorial space, which i hate. because if i'm gonna force myself to stay alive then i should be able to do something while i'm here. i need to get out of the paralysis somehow. i'd rather feel pain than apathy.
but i think i still need some level of suicidal ideation to cope with being alive at all. because i need to know i have a way out. if i don't have a way out, i'm just trapped. and the horrible horrible crushing panicked dread of being trapped is much more likely to make me actually try something again. it's what led to it last time.
the external reality around me is not getting better and is objectively not going to get better within my natural lifespan, so the only way to live is to find some way to cope with that. find glimpses of beauty and happiness within the cracks. if i don't have a future, what matters is the present. i know that. i know that.
and i know i'm only sabotaging myself when i keep getting paralyzed and drowning in the overwhelming horror of the world and the future and the rot and decay and the suffering and etc. i keep tearing myself open because of things i can't control, and that only takes time and energy away from the present, so i end up with more lost and wasted time, and then i can just feel the clock ticking, the time running out, and that paralyzes me further, so i end up in these horrible loops.
part of that is definitely my ocd, with the thought loops and how they work. i fucking hate my brain. i just want a normal brain. i probably shouldn't dump the whole big list of my diagnoses here but yeah it's so fucking frustrating knowing so much is inherently neurologically working against me and i'll never be able to experience what it's like to function like a real human being should.
i'm kinda just stuck in this purgatorial space, which i hate. because if i'm gonna force myself to stay alive then i should be able to do something while i'm here. i need to get out of the paralysis somehow. i'd rather feel pain than apathy.
