Venting Felt miserble and wrote down some thought that came up. Wanting some feedback.

[Jumaqt]

I've been alone in school for 5 whole years, and approaching 6 years. Not once have I eaten lunch together with a friend at school, not once I've hung out with a friend at school, not once I've dated someone at school. I've been reflecting on the reason for years as well. I think it started with a conflict in discord when I was grade 8, I've met some online friends. I caused a ton of trouble back then in the friend group because I don't think about what I say and I talk too much. I was continuously told by some of them to shut up. This got me into a lot of trouble when I was in elementary school too. I was not exactly unlikable at the time, I still have a lot of friends, I can't really recall why I decided to start keeping my mouth shut at the time.

As time goes by, I talk less and less, until around grade 10, all I have left are online friends. If I could travel back in time, I would probably kill myself brutally. Right now, I cannot even regularly communicate with others. I've made several pathetic attempts to make up with one of my IRL friends, Dora. She was the closest friend I've had even since I arrived in Canada. And each attempt failed miserably.

Lots of my behavior in the past doesn't make any sense at all, it's like I'm always in a half conscious state, sometimes I still feel like I'm in such a state nowadays, and it's dreadful. It's like I cannot think or feel like others.

Why do I write about all these events? It doesn't exactly make myself feel any better, it doesn't exactly fix any of my problems, who'll be the audience of this writing? I hate to lie to myself. I used to consider myself a very opinionated person, someone intellectually independent, with my own beliefs and uninfluenced by others opinion, but what good did it do to me. I have no faith, no beliefs, and everyone needs a belief in somethings to go on, may it be a dedication to a religion, a dedication to a purpose, a dedication to a subject. And am I really an opinionated person? I haven't had a crush on anyone for years, yet I desperately want to be in a relationship. Is this from peer pressure that everyone around me is in a relationship? Is it fear that I won't be able to find anyone because I'm incapable of finding someone in middle school and high school, and such fear due to the influence of the media? OR is it because of my communication skills, I can't even make a normal friend. How can I expect to get into a romantic relationship. I cannot tell anymore at this point.

 

[MyShadow]

I've been alone in school for 5 whole years, and approaching 6 years. Not once have I eaten lunch together with a friend at school, not once I've hung out with a friend at school, not once I've dated someone at school. I've been reflecting on the reason for years as well. I think it started with a conflict in discord when I was grade 8, I've met some online friends. I caused a ton of trouble back then in the friend group because I don't think about what I say and I talk too much. I was continuously told by some of them to shut up. This got me into a lot of trouble when I was in elementary school too. I was not exactly unlikable at the time, I still have a lot of friends, I can't really recall why I decided to start keeping my mouth shut at the time.

As time goes by, I talk less and less, until around grade 10, all I have left are online friends. If I could travel back in time, I would probably kill myself brutally. Right now, I cannot even regularly communicate with others. I've made several pathetic attempts to make up with one of my IRL friends, Dora. She was the closest friend I've had even since I arrived in Canada. And each attempt failed miserably.

Lots of my behavior in the past doesn't make any sense at all, it's like I'm always in a half conscious state, sometimes I still feel like I'm in such a state nowadays, and it's dreadful. It's like I cannot think or feel like others.

Why do I write about all these events? It doesn't exactly make myself feel any better, it doesn't exactly fix any of my problems, who'll be the audience of this writing? I hate to lie to myself. I used to consider myself a very opinionated person, someone intellectually independent, with my own beliefs and uninfluenced by others opinion, but what good did it do to me. I have no faith, no beliefs, and everyone needs a belief in somethings to go on, may it be a dedication to a religion, a dedication to a purpose, a dedication to a subject. And am I really an opinionated person? I haven't had a crush on anyone for years, yet I desperately want to be in a relationship. Is this from peer pressure that everyone around me is in a relationship? Is it fear that I won't be able to find anyone because I'm incapable of finding someone in middle school and high school, and such fear due to the influence of the media? OR is it because of my communication skills, I can't even make a normal friend. How can I expect to get into a romantic relationship. I cannot tell anymore at this point.

I will offer you this. At this age, you're just sorting out who you are. It's OK to make mistakes. It's OK to be awkward. It's OK to not be engaged with everything around you now. The people in high school will automatically become irrelevant after graduation. Then, that's when you will discover yourself. It's a process, so it takes time. Well, time and trial and error.

In the meantime, is there a club you can join? Do you have any interests that you can share or participate with others? You certainly write well. Maybe that's your way into something bigger.

I know things are not easy now and I would never want to be a young person in this crazy century. When I was young, I thought things were hard and they were. But today, there's so much pressure from everywhere. Social media is a nightmare. Most of it is not real but it still holds such a powerful influence.

I hope that you find your way before you consider the CTB option because you sound like a very intelligent human, and those are becoming rare these days. But for now, go easy on yourself.

 

[Jumaqt]

I will offer you this. At this age, you're just sorting out who you are. It's OK to make mistakes. It's OK to be awkward. It's OK to not be engaged with everything around you now. The people in high school will automatically become irrelevant after graduation. Then, that's when you will discover yourself. It's a process, so it takes time. Well, time and trial and error.

In the meantime, is there a club you can join? Do you have any interests that you can share or participate with others? You certainly write well. Maybe that's your way into something bigger.

I know things are not easy now and I would never want to be a young person in this crazy century. When I was young, I thought things were hard and they were. But today, there's so much pressure from everywhere. Social media is a nightmare. Most of it is not real but it still holds such a powerful influence.

I hope that you find your way before you consider the CTB option because you sound like a very intelligent human, and those are becoming rare these days. But for now, go easy on yourself.

Thank you. I really am thankful for what you said. I feel a lot better now.

 

[MyShadow]

Thank you. I really am thankful for what you said. I feel a lot better now.

The best part of this forum is that there's someone out there who has had or is having a similar experience and will respond without judgment. This is why reaching out is important. I hope things begin to make sense for you soon.

Just remember that you matter. You are important.