Feels Like I've just woken up from a years long autopilot

[Madinge]

I've struggled with depression and suicide for the last 6 years now. Recently, I took a good dose of psychedelic mushrooms and realized who I actually am. The guy who gets too fucked up at parties and blacks out to numb himself for just one more night. The guy who can't be trusted to self moderate because he has to be fucked up to function. It's weird honestly, my memory has never been great, so I've never really had the chance to self reflect before but this might honestly be it. Kinda new here so idrk all the lingo, sorry if I'm supposed to say ctb or somehting. I'm ordering a bunch of pressed oxy in hopes I can OD, but im not sure if I'll make it to the ship date. This razor next to me continues to look more and more enticing. Doesn't feel like I can explain this to anybody I actually know in person because my throat always closes up when I talk about myself. Maybe I'm just rambling and drunk, but can anyone relate offer me any sort of advice on what I should do?