Venting feels like i'm going through this alone

[inanotherlife13]

i'm not my best friend's best friend, and some days it really fucking sucks. it's my fault, i'm not there for him during his favourite accomplishments, i'm not interested in most of the games he is, and most of the time i don't bother reaching out to him (unless it's to vent, and then we stop talking when either i give in and act like he's helped, when we begin to argue because i'm too upset, or when i lose interest because he's changed the subject.) i've known him for.. 16 years? far over half of my life. he used to come to me for everything, when he was excited, bored, trying something new. i miss those days with every beat of my heart, but for the death of me i can't even begin to pretend to act like i'm capable of reciprocating and matching his energy anymore. his new friends claim most of his time now, he won't even answer my calls anymore, and sometimes it takes hours or days to hear back via text. but he still tells me that i'm his best friend, that he's there for me, that he cares and wishes the best for me. but i don't feel it, and i know i haven't earned it. i plan to attempt again, and unlike before the chances of recovery will be extremely unlikely. so as badly as i want to be seen, heard, and want to spend time with him again, i also equally hope that he wouldn't even notice when my texts stop and he forgets about me.

i hope that the whole infinite timelines thing is true, and that there's a version of me out there that treats him better, that hands out kindness and patience like candy, and that truly fulfills the role of his best friend. but until then, i'll just reminisce and keep the memory of our friendship and take it with me when i go.

if anyone's read this far, thank you. here's a poem i wrote last year if you're interested: