cactusflower
here but not here
- Apr 19, 2023
- 58
Processing current grief that's washed over me again. I have a great disdain for some, while their intentions are good I guess, it just comes off as unempathetic.
I was watching a YT video on complicated grief to try and work through my emotions and one of the things the lady in the video said that struck a chord was something along the lines of
"Feelings are good, and feelings are beautiful"
Mainly in reference to how our ability to feel gives us humanity, and that we should be thankful for this ability.
I'm torn on how to feel about this. On one hand, I understand and can get where this is coming from. Living through emotions in spite of everything, realizing that I am human and this is what humans do, and if I have the ability to feel, then I should. To me, who only has a surface level understanding of Camus' philosophy on life, it was kind of reminiscent of that.
On the other hand, it just complicates the negative feelings even more. Even though I have these feelings doesn't mean I want to feel them or literally be held back by this forever pining for the person I've lost. It just seems so cruel to expect people to just find feelings like this positive, because they somehow augment the positive times in life or something like that.
It just makes me think that really, really, no one will ever understand. And in my case, I don't have the same resources the lady in the video did. I don't have a support group, I don't have anyone in my real life around to help me through any of this, I've had to deal with all of this on my own the whole way, and it just seems like everyone who says these things is just can't see why I feel this way.
It's why I turn to suicide, or the idea of it, be cause if I had the resources, (I've tried to obtain, going to therapy, reaching out to people, going out, going to events??) then surely things would be different. But I do not, and I'm getting tired of trying, or being misunderstood when I express this thinking.
I was watching a YT video on complicated grief to try and work through my emotions and one of the things the lady in the video said that struck a chord was something along the lines of
"Feelings are good, and feelings are beautiful"
Mainly in reference to how our ability to feel gives us humanity, and that we should be thankful for this ability.
I'm torn on how to feel about this. On one hand, I understand and can get where this is coming from. Living through emotions in spite of everything, realizing that I am human and this is what humans do, and if I have the ability to feel, then I should. To me, who only has a surface level understanding of Camus' philosophy on life, it was kind of reminiscent of that.
On the other hand, it just complicates the negative feelings even more. Even though I have these feelings doesn't mean I want to feel them or literally be held back by this forever pining for the person I've lost. It just seems so cruel to expect people to just find feelings like this positive, because they somehow augment the positive times in life or something like that.
It just makes me think that really, really, no one will ever understand. And in my case, I don't have the same resources the lady in the video did. I don't have a support group, I don't have anyone in my real life around to help me through any of this, I've had to deal with all of this on my own the whole way, and it just seems like everyone who says these things is just can't see why I feel this way.
It's why I turn to suicide, or the idea of it, be cause if I had the resources, (I've tried to obtain, going to therapy, reaching out to people, going out, going to events??) then surely things would be different. But I do not, and I'm getting tired of trying, or being misunderstood when I express this thinking.
