Wyldfyre4948
Waiting for my bus
- Jul 12, 2023
- 377
Wanted to go grocery shopping today and I couldn't borrow a car. Not going to have a chance to do this again until Sunday. Today is 2 months since I lost my cat and I wanted to get out desperately. Tomorrow is 2 months since my wife left me. We haven't really spoken and I haven't seen her in almost 2 months. Relying on others for rides is making me feel like a burden. When people start ignoring me because they're done with me it breaks me even more.
At this point I'm a shut in who only goes out every couple weeks for maybe 2 hours at most. I don't feel free either because I basically have a chaperone when I'm driven to the store. This is so humiliating and I'm ashamed of the situation. My parents keep talking about me moving out by them. They know if I move I lose my job and most of my belongings. Nobody cares about me and it feels like what I need doesn't matter. Everything is just what everyone else wants.
I just want to matter again. My wife lied about the situation after she told me she's gay. Saying I pushed her away while she was trying to help me prepare to live alone. A month after she told me about her sexuality she told me she'd stay and we'd figure this out. She reassured me the best she could because she knew how messed up I was. So a month later she quietly changed her mind and began to plan to leave. During this time I was finally starting to feel safe again.
So for 2 months there wasn't anything about helping me get a car because the situation was fubar, and I was waiting for things to stabilize before I felt comfortable moving forward. She left town for a convention to meet an actor, and then her birthday was shortly after she got back. At this point I felt relatively normal. Originally I was going to try to kill myself when she left town for the weekend, but her telling me she'd stay saved me.
My cat's health was in decline and I had to make the decision for him to be put to sleep. That same day a change of address form was in the mail. She lied to me about it and the reason for it. Even told me she changed it back, and she "never said she was leaving." Of course the next morning I wake up because I'm still messed up about my buddy. She tried to coax me back to bed to sleep because I didn't have my glasses on. When I came back to the living room I saw a couple bins in the living room and my world collapsing.
She would always tell me how I can trust her and that I'm stuck with her. Now we're not really talking, and my boss gave me an earful about how I'm messed up and the minimal contact I've had with my wife is too much. I'm heavily dependent on her because for most of our marriage I wasn't working and she has been my lifeline to the outside. She would come home from work and we'd go to the store just to get me outside for a bit.
I don't have that anymore. She took the car when she left so all I have is our home with a bunch of her stuff still here. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. My parents keep telling me to get another cat. I already need to get a car somehow and they want me to get another mouth to feed. This is also after I got rid of all the cat stuff that I had left.
Getting a new cat isn't an option for me because the attachment I have for the cat I just lost. Just like I'm not going to want to find love after my wife. I won't be able to heal from this damage and trust has always been an issue with me. So how am I supposed to trust someone else after being told for 20 years that I can trust someone and how they won't screw me over, but eventually do and do it at the time I need them most?
I'm just broken and waiting for my moment to ctb. Which I'll probably be called a selfish asshole for because I didn't think about everyone else before I thought about myself.
At this point I'm a shut in who only goes out every couple weeks for maybe 2 hours at most. I don't feel free either because I basically have a chaperone when I'm driven to the store. This is so humiliating and I'm ashamed of the situation. My parents keep talking about me moving out by them. They know if I move I lose my job and most of my belongings. Nobody cares about me and it feels like what I need doesn't matter. Everything is just what everyone else wants.
I just want to matter again. My wife lied about the situation after she told me she's gay. Saying I pushed her away while she was trying to help me prepare to live alone. A month after she told me about her sexuality she told me she'd stay and we'd figure this out. She reassured me the best she could because she knew how messed up I was. So a month later she quietly changed her mind and began to plan to leave. During this time I was finally starting to feel safe again.
So for 2 months there wasn't anything about helping me get a car because the situation was fubar, and I was waiting for things to stabilize before I felt comfortable moving forward. She left town for a convention to meet an actor, and then her birthday was shortly after she got back. At this point I felt relatively normal. Originally I was going to try to kill myself when she left town for the weekend, but her telling me she'd stay saved me.
My cat's health was in decline and I had to make the decision for him to be put to sleep. That same day a change of address form was in the mail. She lied to me about it and the reason for it. Even told me she changed it back, and she "never said she was leaving." Of course the next morning I wake up because I'm still messed up about my buddy. She tried to coax me back to bed to sleep because I didn't have my glasses on. When I came back to the living room I saw a couple bins in the living room and my world collapsing.
She would always tell me how I can trust her and that I'm stuck with her. Now we're not really talking, and my boss gave me an earful about how I'm messed up and the minimal contact I've had with my wife is too much. I'm heavily dependent on her because for most of our marriage I wasn't working and she has been my lifeline to the outside. She would come home from work and we'd go to the store just to get me outside for a bit.
I don't have that anymore. She took the car when she left so all I have is our home with a bunch of her stuff still here. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. My parents keep telling me to get another cat. I already need to get a car somehow and they want me to get another mouth to feed. This is also after I got rid of all the cat stuff that I had left.
Getting a new cat isn't an option for me because the attachment I have for the cat I just lost. Just like I'm not going to want to find love after my wife. I won't be able to heal from this damage and trust has always been an issue with me. So how am I supposed to trust someone else after being told for 20 years that I can trust someone and how they won't screw me over, but eventually do and do it at the time I need them most?
I'm just broken and waiting for my moment to ctb. Which I'll probably be called a selfish asshole for because I didn't think about everyone else before I thought about myself.
endless support from a stranger
