Feeling unlovable never changes.

[TheRedHare]

As the title suggests, no matter how much I improve myself the feeling of being unlovable never changes. This sounds obvious when I write it down, but that's just where words, much like my emotions, have failed me. I can't express this un-bearable melancholic void I feel. I've become a much more rational person though the pursuit of knowledge (through philosophy), I've started making some real money with my first full time qualified job. I even think I've been reliable for my family during a time of crisis because of my strengthened mental fortitude. I think these are all things to be proud of.

But it feels like literally none of it matters, because my entire life (In my mid 20s) I've never been able to find romantic love. I feel like my existence belongs to some in-between world where I can literally never be seen romantically. I don't know how to meet people, I'm not normal enough to be able to 'pick up' women in a traditional sense and I also feel like I'm not eccentric enough for non-'normie' (for the lack of a better term) women to take interest in.

I absolutely hate the idea of dating apps, but I sucked it up and joined a bunch of them. I barely match with anyone, and when I do they either send one message per day or just ghost me altogether. I don't think I'm attractive per-say but I also don't think I'm particularly ugly either. I cannot conform to dating app culture and I don't really have many pictures of myself so all the ones I put on there probably look forced. And, (as I expected) this all just made me more depressed.

When I say I can't conform to the culture, I mean I really morally despise the idea of selling yourself in a format where someone can judge your worthiness in under 10 seconds. It goes against all my instinct about how I see the world and no matter how much I think about it, it always just seems like a system for manufacturing sociopathic tendencies en masse.

So I should meet people instead... How?

I honestly have no idea, do people my age even go to hobbies other than sports? I can't really play most sports due to an illness (that I will not go into). I wasted my college years being really depressed (a lot to do with this exact issue), and there was even a time during college when I thought I had a chance with a girl I was really interested in, but then she cancelled our first date before we ever went on it. It doesn't get easier. Every time I face rejection it feels the same or sometimes even worse, because I've never. Not even once. Been successful. Every time I fail, it makes me feel more unlovable.

The only way I've managed to cope with this is basically just ignoring that part of myself (which I believe is the main reason I have developed incredibly dulled emotions). But it's getting to a breaking point, I am starting to just want anything. I am so starved for affection that lust is poisoning my mind more and more every day, which leads to consuming a lot of pornography which ultimately just makes me feel more pathetic. I'm getting to a point where I just want to hire an escort or waste my money on some other sex-service. But I know this will just make everything worse in the long run (not to mention I dislike the concept of people being monetized as sexual objects), which has made me hold off up to this point in my life.

I hate incel culture, I don't blame women, I just feel worthless.

It's so stupid because everything I put work into (and actually get results) feels completely pointless without my need for intimacy being fulfilled. I've always been a romantic person at heart, the only outlet for this is media as I've never once been in a romantic relationship.

It might sound arrogant, but I honestly believe I have a lot to give in a relationship. I may not seem that way (given I'm in this situation), but I know I myself to be a reliable, trustworthy, levelheaded person to people I care about, and they generally reflect those opinions to me. But none of that matters if I can never get past the first hurdle.

Well I don't really know what I want out of writing this rant down, I was just going to write something for myself but decided to do it here instead. So feel free to share your experience or give advice if you want to.

 

[Sulyya]

This rant is almost 100% my circumstance also. I wish I had useful advice for you, or us. I really wish you the best in it and hope that you keep trying, whatever that looks like. I pretty much don't try at all and unsurprisingly I'm not moving at all

 

[Spyware]

Ive been going thru the same for years

I got fed up with wondering when will i get my gf... got fed up with asking why do all my friends have gf and i dont. Why dont i deserve it too

I tried with dating sites, talking to girls irl as well. No. It didnt work

So I had more or less accepted that I will never be desired or feel affection. I retreated into fantasy. I talk to myself, kind of like a tulpa but not a self-induced hallucination, just an imaginary character. Whenever I feel lonely I have my imaginary friend to support me...
And after i die, we will meet for real ))

 

[PAfb_640]

I'm a virgin too. But if I get very desperate, I think I'll ask my parents / family / friends to "match-make" me with someone they know. Since you said you're a reliable person to your family, maybe they can help.

Also, I'm trying to change my mindset that love is not a destination, but a journey. If end up resorting to that plan, I will do my best in the relationship after knowing that she agrees to my nonnegotiable values: Being socially progressive, and childfree.

 

[YourAverageLurker]

Sorry to hear.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

You are worthy of love! I know we don't always get what we deserve, this whole site is sufficient proof of it on its own, but you are definitely worthy and capable of being loved.

You deserve to be experienced as you really are, not as hoe you think others want you to be.

Since you are open to positivity, keep trying. With relationships, both platonic and romantic, a lot of it comes down to luck. We can misinterpret the effects of poor luck as being our fault when it's not necessarily so. It's normal to get discouraged after a consistent lack of success but if you give up and shut yourself away your chances of success become a big fat 0%. Sometimes we have to be proactive and create opportunities that don't appear on their own.

 

[TheRedHare]

You are worthy of love! I know we don't always get what we deserve, this whole site is sufficient proof of it on its own, but you are definitely worthy and capable of being loved.

You deserve to be experienced as you really are, not as hoe you think others want you to be.

Since you are open to positivity, keep trying. With relationships, both platonic and romantic, a lot of it comes down to luck. We can misinterpret the effects of poor luck as being our fault when it's not necessarily so. It's normal to get discouraged after a consistent lack of success but if you give up and shut yourself away your chances of success become a big fat 0%. Sometimes we have to be proactive and create opportunities that don't appear on their own.

Very positive and logical response, thanks . When my head's on straight I can think like this, but this stuff really clouds my mind like some sort of a miasma, killing all of my positivity.

I appreciate the kind words.

Ive been going thru the same for years

I got fed up with wondering when will i get my gf... got fed up with asking why do all my friends have gf and i dont. Why dont i deserve it too

I tried with dating sites, talking to girls irl as well. No. It didnt work

So I had more or less accepted that I will never be desired or feel affection. I retreated into fantasy. I talk to myself, kind of like a tulpa but not a self-induced hallucination, just an imaginary character. Whenever I feel lonely I have my imaginary friend to support me...
And after i die, we will meet for real ))

Stay strong and remember not to let other people's expectations control you.

This rant is almost 100% my circumstance also. I wish I had useful advice for you, or us. I really wish you the best in it and hope that you keep trying, whatever that looks like. I pretty much don't try at all and unsurprisingly I'm not moving at all

Same to you, I hope you try too... When you're ready.

I'm a virgin too. But if I get very desperate, I think I'll ask my parents / family / friends to "match-make" me with someone they know. Since you said you're a reliable person to your family, maybe they can help.

Also, I'm trying to change my mindset that love is not a destination, but a journey. If end up resorting to that plan, I will do my best in the relationship after knowing that she agrees to my nonnegotiable values: Being socially progressive, and childfree.

I agree with journey thing, partially. I don't think you can just meet someone and love them but I also think it doesn't really work to never put yourself out there and hope your life's journey finds the right place for you. So I'm somewhere in the middle there.

 

[man_in_red:)]

I know this may sound harsh but there is so much more to life than love and dating I would highly suggest finding something else that makes you feel fulfilled. Help people, create things, you'll feel less empty. You just might find your into something you would never expect.

 

[TheRedHare]

I know this may sound harsh but there is so much more to life than love and dating I would highly suggest finding something else that makes you feel fulfilled. Help people, create things, you'll feel less empty. You just might find your into something you would never expect.

You see that's the problem. I have only got this far because I followed your ideology, so you're right. But I end up here at the bottom of my own pit none the less. That's precisely what this post is about, I've been putting this aside and it has benefited me, but I still feel like this at the end of it all.

How long can you repress something that eats at your core? This may not be as important for other people but no matter how much I try to ignore it, it always comes back to haunt me.

It's subjective, I imagine. But I'm starting to see signs of a breaking point.

 

[Zegers]

The problem is that we've grown up watching Hollywood movies, where the guy saves the world and gets the girl and it's not like that... I always think that the need for dating comes from something deeper, that emptiness that suffocates you. Regarding dating apps, i suggest you to watch "tinder swindler" and you will understand why you don't have matches or solid meetings.

Loneliness in the long run is crushing, i didn't deal with it badly for the first few years but after that it's very hard to deal with. If you get a girlfriend, you'll want more, it's a obdurate cycle.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

You see that's the problem. I have only got this far because I followed your ideology, so you're right. But I end up here at the bottom of my own pit none the less. That's precisely what this post is about, I've been putting this aside and it has benefited me, but I still feel like this at the end of it all.

How long can you repress something that eats at your core? This may not be as important for other people but no matter how much I try to ignore it, it always comes back to haunt me.

It's subjective, I imagine. But I'm starting to see signs of a breaking point.

Yeah, you weren't wishing you were a gazillionaire or president or whatever. Romantic love and companionship are very normal human desires. I don't think It's as simple as tossing them aside and focusing on other things. I mean, focusing on other things has only highlighted the hole that not having romance represents in your life.

 

[TheRedHare]

The problem is that we've grown up watching Hollywood movies, where the guy saves the world and gets the girl and it's not like that... I always think that the need for dating comes from something deeper, that emptiness that suffocates you. Regarding dating apps, i suggest you to watch "tinder swindler" and you will understand why you don't have matches or solid meetings.

Loneliness in the long run is crushing, i didn't deal with it badly for the first few years but after that it's very hard to deal with. If you get a girlfriend, you'll want more, it's a obdurate cycle.

I understand why I'm bad at dating apps for the most part, I just don't have it in me to change my ways because they're my morals and I value them very deeply.

I don't have experience with dating but the whole "wanting more when you get there" concept can be applied to all aspects of life and I personally think that it is avoidable if you have your mind in check. And if not you can learn through trial and error what is truly important to you. It's either an incredibly honorable or defeatist mindset to never strive for something because you might want more (if you're some sort of a monk it's probably honorable). I chose not to apply that to my life (for the time being) as I literally wouldn't do anything.

And is it stubborn to want something that humans have always wanted? I suppose it's stubborn on an evolutionary level but on a personal level... I have to disagree.

Thanks for the reply though, I like engaging in dialogue, it helps me understand my ideologies better.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I understand why I'm bad at dating apps for the most part, I just don't have it in me to change my ways because they're my morals and I value them very deeply.

I don't have experience with dating but the whole "wanting more when you get there" concept can be applied to all aspects of life and I personally think that it is avoidable if you have your mind in check. And if not you can learn through trial and error what is truly important to you. It's either an incredibly honorable or defeatist mindset to never strive for something because you might want more (if you're some sort of a monk it's probably honorable). I chose not to apply that to my life (for the time being) as I literally wouldn't do anything.

And is it stubborn to want something that humans have always wanted? I suppose it's stubborn on an evolutionary level but on a personal level... I have to disagree.

Thanks for the reply though, I like engaging in dialogue, it helps me understand my ideologies better.

No, you're not being unreasonable in longing for that. While the modern landscape is much different from before romantic love has always been a staple of the human experience.

What about your morals undermines your success with dating apps?

 

[Zegers]

And is it stubborn to want something that humans have always wanted?

I didn't mean that you are stubborn, i mean that the cycle of always wanting more is inherent to the human condition.

I understand why I'm bad at dating apps for the most part

What would you say it is

 

[Mirrory Me]

The only way I've managed to cope with this is basically just ignoring that part of myself (which I believe is the main reason I have developed incredibly dulled emotions). But it's getting to a breaking point, I am starting to just want anything. I am so starved for affection that lust is poisoning my mind more and more every day, which leads to consuming a lot of pornography which ultimately just makes me feel more pathetic. I'm getting to a point where I just want to hire an escort or waste my money on some other sex-service. But I know this will just make everything worse in the long run (not to mention I dislike the concept of people being monetized as sexual objects), which has made me hold off up to this point in my life.

When a person cannot accept some things in others, it usually reflects something in themselves. Maybe that you are unsure of yourself.

It is marketed because it seems / feels accelerating, like going on a rollercoaster. Sex is also a natural way to seek closeness and release agitated emotions.

You would be doing yourself a favor if you handled your business the way you planned, by getting it out of the system. At the end, however, you realize that you long for something deeper.

 

[aSilentVoice]

I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship (or even on a date), so this might be more common than you think.

I think adults do / can have hobbies. I do anyway. They can be active or passive and don't just have to be sport related. I like cooking/baking, crafts, yoga, playing board/card games, reading, listening to music, and watching movies. What do you like to do for fun? Could you do it with others? Also, do you think you come off as approachable to girls?

You do seem like you have stuff to offer in a relationship and I don't think it's arrogant to see your strengths, accomplishments, and what you bring to the table. A teacher of a psychology class I took said that she found her husband once she got to a place where she wasn't as desperate for a relationship. I do think you'll find someone someday. I think working on yourself in the meantime (like you have been), is great.

 

[Coldpizza22]

I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship (or even on a date), so this might be more common than you think.

I think adults do / can have hobbies. I do anyway. They can be active or passive and don't just have to be sport related. I like cooking/baking, crafts, yoga, playing board/card games, reading, listening to music, and watching movies. What do you like to do for fun? Could you do it with others? Also, do you think you come off as approachable to girls?

You do seem like you have stuff to offer in a relationship and I don't think it's arrogant to see your strengths, accomplishments, and what you bring to the table. A teacher of a psychology class I took said that she found her husband once she got to a place where she wasn't as desperate for a relationship. I do think you'll find someone someday. I think working on yourself in the meantime (like you have been), is great.

I'm in a similar situation as OP. An avarage M21 never had a girlfriend, never kissed, only went on one date and got ghosted. Maybe it's because I'm from a small EU country, but I've used multiple dating platforms, I've talked to a few girls, but it goes nowhere, some just stop replying to conversations, some are too far away. I'm also short 175 cm, and a little fat. I have a few male and zero female female friends, bcs im in an engineering field. And as a student i get the chance to work for 1.5€ per hour, yay. 2.5 months of it at minimum to finish college.

For a good year or so I've had this strange feeling. When i see random couples together in public it just makes me feel sad, alone. The second semester of school isn't going well, and all of this made me loose motivation and I've crying in bed at night.
I want to be intimate with someone, not that attracted to guys, but I've been considering it. I wanna improve, but i don't have the motivation for it. Spring is here, i started walking again, but im a little afraid, bcs i live in a forested area and last fall i came across a brown bear, definitely not my preferred CTB option.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I can relate so damn much to this thread, feels like reading my own thoughts.

When i see random couples together in public it just makes me feel sad, alone.

Indeed. And I ask myself, what have I done wrong in life to be in this situation? Why can't I be happy like them?

 

[TheRedHare]

I didn't mean that you are stubborn, i mean that the cycle of always wanting more is inherent to the human condition.

What would you say it is

Not really bothered to go into it but basically I don't like the idea of them so I don't commit to "playing the game" ie. Using them for maximum success, I just half ass them.

When a person cannot accept some things in others, it usually reflects something in themselves. Maybe that you are unsure of yourself.

It is marketed because it seems / feels accelerating, like going on a rollercoaster. Sex is also a natural way to seek closeness and release agitated emotions.

You would be doing yourself a favor if you handled your business the way you planned, by getting it out of the system. At the end, however, you realize that you long for something deeper.

I agree with the conclusion to your reply, that's why I haven't given into the temptation of satisfaction thus far.

I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship (or even on a date), so this might be more common than you think.

I think adults do / can have hobbies. I do anyway. They can be active or passive and don't just have to be sport related. I like cooking/baking, crafts, yoga, playing board/card games, reading, listening to music, and watching movies. What do you like to do for fun? Could you do it with others? Also, do you think you come off as approachable to girls?

You do seem like you have stuff to offer in a relationship and I don't think it's arrogant to see your strengths, accomplishments, and what you bring to the table. A teacher of a psychology class I took said that she found her husband once she got to a place where she wasn't as desperate for a relationship. I do think you'll find someone someday. I think working on yourself in the meantime (like you have been), is great.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply, I agree with you but it's hard to see it from that perspective when it's getting you down.

I'm in a similar situation as OP. An avarage M21 never had a girlfriend, never kissed, only went on one date and got ghosted. Maybe it's because I'm from a small EU country, but I've used multiple dating platforms, I've talked to a few girls, but it goes nowhere, some just stop replying to conversations, some are too far away. I'm also short 175 cm, and a little fat. I have a few male and zero female female friends, bcs im in an engineering field. And as a student i get the chance to work for 1.5€ per hour, yay. 2.5 months of it at minimum to finish college.

For a good year or so I've had this strange feeling. When i see random couples together in public it just makes me feel sad, alone. The second semester of school isn't going well, and all of this made me loose motivation and I've crying in bed at night.
I want to be intimate with someone, not that attracted to guys, but I've been considering it. I wanna improve, but i don't have the motivation for it. Spring is here, i started walking again, but im a little afraid, bcs i live in a forested area and last fall i came across a brown bear, definitely not my preferred CTB option.

I hope you don't CTB, I think we'll all get some inner peace eventually. Stay strong.

I can relate so damn much to this thread, feels like reading my own thoughts.

Indeed. And I ask myself, what have I done wrong in life to be in this situation? Why can't I be happy like them?

Life isn't fair like that, but it doesn't mean we have to let it get us down forever. Don't give up, stay strong.

 

[Rocinante]

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[FadingPossum]

This puts so many of my experiences into words far better than I could myself

I wish that I could find someone to love, but I'm sex repulsed and asexual and no one takes me seriously when I say that.

I just want to be in a queerplatonic relationship with a beloved friend. No physical aspects required. It feels like I'm the only one in the world like this sometimes.