Venting Feeling uncomfortable when treated kindly

[リンさん]

A weird thing I noticed about myself. In my case, my mom has been treating me very nicely lately.

She cooks for me, helps with cleaning when I can't function, always talks to me in a caring and supportive way, asks questions about stuff I do for work.

It's nice. It makes me feel grateful, but also really, really sad. I wanna cry thinking about someone being this nice to me and not expecting stuff in return. It feels wrong, like I don't deserve this treatment, because I'm afraid of "taking advantage" of her and being useless or unhelpful.

I'm needy, emotional and under stress these days, so I have been having many meltdowns. I lash out (not violently) because I get easily overstimulated when stressed (thanks, autism). Yet she still forgives me and I don't understand how.

It wasn't always this way, she used to be a lot more controlling and angry because of the abusive environment both of us were in at the time of my childhood. Maybe that's why it feels so strange, because I'm not really used to it still years later. I don't know.

 

[dmdmdm]

I can relate, how old are you?

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I go through this too.
My mother has always wanted to support me in everything, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a burden to her. I've never suffered from physical or psychological abuse, and yet I've felt depressed.

My mother has always been very close to me. I could say she has connected to me better than with my older siblings.
My depression is more related to society and my environment, not so much my family, and for that reason, I've sometimes had thoughts about CTB. However, it seems like my mother is one of the reasons why I'm still alive. I say this because at times, I've thought about CTB after she passes away because I simply don't want to make her suffer.

My mother has a personality similar to mine. I could say she's a depressive person, but being with me makes her feel better. It's somewhat uncomfortable for me, especially when I'm feeling depressed because I feel like I don't deserve to receive her affection for not doing anything in my life.