Discussion Feeling Trapped is Crippling

[derpyderpins]

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage​

I've been doing well lately. Got married, and I feel mentally healthy for the first time in 10 years. But, the uptick started before the wedding, so what was really helping me feel better, I wonder?

Notice I said '10 years'. But, my first suicidal thoughts were 20 years ago, so what was different 10 years ago? I had just graduated undergrad and I was working a low-stress job over the summer before law school. I do remember - and acknowledge - that for those 3 months I felt really happy and at-peace.

About a month and a half ago my boss wanted to get lunch, and I was very worried. You see, I got fired from my previous job, and I was very anxious I would not be able to hold this one. However, it went well, and all he did was praise me. Then, a month ago, I got called in for a performance review and got a raise. The biggest revelation here is that I don't need to worry about my job. I could get another one, an even better one. I have value. So, that leads me to the point of this post.

The big difference - for me - was feeling trapped as opposed to free. When I was feeling awful 2-3 months ago, I thought I would be in this cycle of getting a job, stressing out, and failing, over and over. I felt trapped. 10 years ago I went from stressing about my choice in law school, grades, and holding a job - being trapped in the expectations of perfection and conformity - to a temporary time where I could really do anything without limit for those three months. Then I went to lawschool and felt trapped in my choice of career path.

I've been thinking about this in the back of my head over the last few days before I started writing. I think feeling trapped is the most detrimental mindset for us, holding us back even more than pain. It manifests in many forms:

• I am trapped in this job - I can't get a better one and it's miserable. But I have to stay here so I can pay my bills.
• I am trapped in with this illness/disorder (physical or mental) - and I can never get away. It will always ruin everything.
• I am trapped in this relationship / with these "friends" / with my family - no one else would ever love / understand / listen to me like they do, even if they are toxic and/or hurt me.
• I am trapped in this body - I'm not smart enough or good looking enough, so I have no opportunity.
• I am trapped in this mind - I am too anxious and will always mess up any opportunities.
• I am trapped in this world - the way things are, by default, is bad, and I'm powerless to affect it.
• I am trapped in this house - I am dependent on people and could never provide for myself (or I "won't" for whatever reason).
• I am trapped in this room - the outside world is frightening, and people may hurt me. I don't like them. I don't want to be near them.
• I am trapped in this existence - no one will let me ctb.

That last one brings this topic full-circle. A big reason I think suicide methods should be accessible is that I think letting people have the option to ctb will actually reduce total suicides (or, at least, impulsive ones if there is a waiting period.) It's why hotlines are useless, and seeking help is terrifying. You're trapped. These people will push you further into a corner, and you can't let them know you're thinking about death, or they'll take you and lock you up for good. There's no way out. "Cheer up," "permanent solution to sdasfjkldsgas," "always get better," "help is available," blah blah. You know what all of those tell the suicidal? "You're fucking stuck here, deal with it. We won't let you leave."

Now, is that really productive? I'd say 'no,' hence my stance on suicide methods.

Back on subject, though, I think understanding the feeling of being trapped will ultimately be a key part on any road to recovery. Everything about recovery - feeling better - has to do with making some types of changes: mindset, routine, meds, situation, philosophy, diet, exercise, whatever. For me, "Step 1" is acknowledging something is wrong, which would be a change from the previous state of "not acknowledging that something is wrong." However you look at it, recovery is about change. Nothing stops you from changing like feeling trapped. Abuse victims, slaves, bullying victims, agoraphobes, hikikomori, incels, the suicidal, and everyone else who has given up does so because they feel trapped. They can't see a way out of their situation.

So what's the solution? I don't have one right now. It's too big of a subject. This post is to get a discussion going and start surface-level thinking about the feeling of being trapped versus simply a feeling of pain. I will say one thing about my situation, though.

So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key
​

Why did I feel trapped? I have anxiety/depression/adhd [now I know likely autism], couldn't maintain productivity at the first few jobs I had, got fired, and thought this was a cycle doomed to repeat, making my life drawn out, miserable, and without progression. What actually changed when I got good feedback and a good review? Nothing but my perception.

Whether I had value in this place of work and whether my job was on the line would have been the same with or without getting lunch with my boss. What this means is that I was never actually trapped. I only perceived that I was, and that perception actually hurt my performance and made a negative outcome more likely.

Now, I suppose there are multiple ways to look at it. I could say I was never trapped, or that I was trapped at some point but did something to change my situation. I assume that the framework for escaping a feeling of being trapped will begin with defining what the trap/cage is, then follow with a determination of whether it is real or imagined, followed by determining if there's any way to walk out right now, and - finally - if all else fails, look into blowing up the cage in some way. I got to the real/imaginary stage, and - at least in spring of this year - it was imaginary. The "way to walk out now" stage comes up a lot in abuse cases (in my experience working in a courthouse). It seems so impossible to leave, but then people just kinda do and even though it was immensely difficult it almost always leads to immediate, wonderful relief once safety systems are in place. [oversimplification, obviously everyone cannot simply walk out, thus the final stage.]

I'm going to end this here. The main takeaway is that when we're trying to recover, we may list our problems as "I'm sad, apathetic, bored, anhedonia, depressed, lonely," etc., but I think what often needs to be addressed is that "I feel trapped." As long as you feel - and therefore behave like you are - trapped, you can't make the changes necessary to improve the other issues.

 

[wCvML2]

This was a helpful read, thanks for the contribution to the recovery section. Makes me ponder whether my beliefs are true or are just mental cages I created in my head.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I wasn't looking at the specific forum when I clicked this. Should've known, only you would turn a discussion into a coping exercise. I feel bamboozled.

On the contrary, I think perceiving (or not) being "trapped" is a manifested symptom from a lack of control, and possibly an unforeseeable future of ever regaining control. So to be in a state of perpetual pain + no end in sight = trapped. Your solution seemed to dissipate once you found knowledge/clarity on your job performance. It could've been in jeopardy; and therefore would've proven to be an actual threat and not just a percieved one. This time it was proven in your favor. What will you do when you perceive the next trap? Living in limbo is also a big life drainer, or plain ol' stress. Wears you down and affects your rationale and ability to think clearly. (Obviously I can't think very clearly...) So I guess my advice to one who feels mentally trapped is to go about "escaping" as you would as if you were physically... Start with accessing the situation and it's problems. Brainstorm ideas of attack to escape. That's a bit of a different ballgame but one can infer what to do, or at least where to start, next.

 

[derpyderpins]

I wasn't looking at the specific forum when I clicked this. Should've known, only you would turn a discussion into a coping exercise. I feel bamboozled.

On the contrary, I think perceiving (or not) being "trapped" is a manifested symptom from a lack of control, and possibly an unforeseeable future of ever regaining control. So to be in a state of perpetual pain + no end in sight = trapped. Your solution seemed to dissipate once you found knowledge/clarity on your job performance. It could've been in jeopardy; and therefore would've proven to be an actual threat and not just a percieved one. This time it was proven in your favor. What will you do when you perceive the next trap? Living in limbo is also a big life drainer, or plain ol' stress. Wears you down and affects your rationale and ability to think clearly. (Obviously I can't think very clearly...) So I guess my advice to one who feels mentally trapped is to go about "escaping" as you would as if you were physically... Start with accessing the situation and it's problems. Brainstorm ideas of attack to escape. That's a bit of a different ballgame but one can infer what to do, or at least where to start, next.

I think you make a good point and we're mostly in agreement. Unlike some of my other discovery posts, this one is not about finding a solution, but identifying the problem, that - as you put it - '[l]iving in limbo is also a big life drainer." I like the distinction between perceived and literal traps, and if I didn't make that distinction clear in my post I regret it. The solution in my case was to pull back the curtain, but absolutely some people are far more literally trapped than only being trapped in their mind.

"I think perceiving (or not) being 'trapped' is a manifested symptom from a lack of control," I would make one addition:

"I think perceiving (or not) being 'trapped' is a manifested symptom from a lack of (or perceived lack of) control." For me, it was perceived, but it can certainly be a real lack of control.

Sorry for using the post as a coping exercise. It takes a lot for me to write this stuff so using it to work through my own issues is the price I charge for admission, I guess.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I think you make a good point and we're mostly in agreement. Unlike some of my other discovery posts, this one is not about finding a solution, but identifying the problem, that - as you put it - '[l]iving in limbo is also a big life drainer." I like the distinction between perceived and literal traps, and if I didn't make that distinction clear in my post I regret it. The solution in my case was to pull back the curtain, but absolutely some people are far more literally trapped than only being trapped in their mind.

"I think perceiving (or not) being 'trapped' is a manifested symptom from a lack of control," I would make one addition:

"I think perceiving (or not) being 'trapped' is a manifested symptom from a lack of (or perceived lack of) control." For me, it was perceived, but it can certainly be a real lack of control.

Sorry for using the post as a coping exercise. It takes a lot for me to write this stuff so using it to work through my own issues is the price I charge for admission, I guess.

Nah it's a good price to pay. For a nonRecovery user it's been worth it. I'm sure it did take a lot of work/effort and it's always worth the read. That's coming from a major pessimist too :/

Trapped is as trapped does..? Yeah I was making it noted that it can certainly be perceived (and likely most always is) or it can be happen to be "not". I think perception is your reality, until it's isn't. It seems navigating that is a solution, regardless of the outcome, at least you'll know. Once again knowledge be it the power.

 

[Hvergelmir]

In my experience a major factor in feeling trapped is fear of the unknown.
If I quit my job or break up with a partner, or I move to another country, I have very little information to make a prediction. It's reasonable to assume that things can get better or worse: two possible outcomes.

The hidden fallacy here is that the odds are 50/50, or worse.
In reality: with the current path leading towards suicide, the odds of a worse outcome are very small. We ought to take considerable risks for the chance of a better outcome.

Instead we tend to do whatever we can to avoid additional bad outcomes, which is to not take risks. We tend to contend with a bad situation - be trapped.

It's by no means a full solution, but the realization is that:
If a situation is really bad, it makes sense to take on a lot of risk. If one is in a good position, it makes more sense to play more passively. To me this is counterintuitive but true.

 

[derpyderpins]

I wasn't looking at the specific forum when I clicked this. Should've known, only you would turn a discussion into a coping exercise. I feel bamboozled.

On the contrary, I think perceiving (or not) being "trapped" is a manifested symptom from a lack of control, and possibly an unforeseeable future of ever regaining control. So to be in a state of perpetual pain + no end in sight = trapped. Your solution seemed to dissipate once you found knowledge/clarity on your job performance. It could've been in jeopardy; and therefore would've proven to be an actual threat and not just a percieved one. This time it was proven in your favor. What will you do when you perceive the next trap? Living in limbo is also a big life drainer, or plain ol' stress. Wears you down and affects your rationale and ability to think clearly. (Obviously I can't think very clearly...) So I guess my advice to one who feels mentally trapped is to go about "escaping" as you would as if you were physically... Start with accessing the situation and it's problems. Brainstorm ideas of attack to escape. That's a bit of a different ballgame but one can infer what to do, or at least where to start, next.

In my experience a major factor in feeling trapped is fear of the unknown.
If I quit my job or break up with a partner, or I move to another country, I have very little information to make a prediction. It's reasonable to assume that things can get better or worse: two possible outcomes.

I appreciate both of you. This has really expanded my thoughts on the subject: the loss of control and the feeling of uncertainty.

It's got me thinking about stress. A day spent at home doing nothing can be more stressful than being out completing tasks if something is not right in your world. You might be physically resting, but the world is moving without you (loss of control), and the potential consequences of whatever is not right could happen at any moment (uncertainty). Is it better to have control over a bad situation with a known end of the road or to be dragged through an okay situation completely out of your control and not knowing what will happen in the end? I'd say based on everything I write on here I'd take the former.

The hidden fallacy here is that the odds are 50/50, or worse.
In reality: with the current path leading towards suicide, the odds of a worse outcome are very small. We ought to take considerable risks for the chance of a better outcome.

Instead we tend to do whatever we can to avoid additional bad outcomes, which is to not take risks. We tend to contend with a bad situation - be trapped.

It's by no means a full solution, but the realization is that:
If a situation is really bad, it makes sense to take on a lot of risk. If one is in a good position, it makes more sense to play more passively. To me this is counterintuitive but true.

Excellent point. I wish I'd written it.

Spoiler: I thought I had once, so I searched my history. Not as good.

(At one point I wrote on a post here "I think fear might be the most powerful motivator there is, which is awful, especially because it motivates us into inaction rather than action." Which I guess is somewhat related. Can't link cuz reasons but it can be searched. But, it's not as thorough or enlightening as your comment).

If life knocks you on the ground and is kicking you, the instinct is to curl up and take it so it hurts less - hoping it will get over with, but you're right that that's the time you should start kicking and biting and throwing sand around like an animal.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I appreciate both of you. This has really expanded my thoughts on the subject: the loss of control and the feeling of uncertainty.

It's got me thinking about stress. A day spent at home doing nothing can be more stressful than being out completing tasks if something is not right in your world. You might be physically resting, but the world is moving without you (loss of control), and the potential consequences of whatever is not right could happen at any moment (uncertainty). Is it better to have control over a bad situation with a known end of the road or to be dragged through an okay situation completely out of your control and not knowing what will happen in the end? I'd say based on everything I write on here I'd take the former.


Excellent point. I wish I'd written it.

Spoiler: I thought I had once, so I searched my history. Not as good.

(At one point I wrote on a post here "I think fear might be the most powerful motivator there is, which is awful, especially because it motivates us into inaction rather than action." Which I guess is somewhat related. Can't link cuz reasons but it can be searched. But, it's not as thorough or enlightening as your comment).

If life knocks you on the ground and is kicking you, the instinct is to curl up and take it so it hurts less - hoping it will get over with, but you're right that that's the time you should start kicking and biting and throwing sand around like an animal.

Security, or lack of. Restlessness. Not comfortable being still or engaging in stillness. Being at peace with things not within your control. Dealing with things as they come instead of anticipating possible outcomes without burden of proof. Living your life in fear. Overcontrol vs lack of control. Balance. Acceptance of uncertainty and uneasiness. Accept that which you can not change nor control. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Habits that lead to complacent behavior; and thus potentially leading you into a new trap of your own accidental making due to lack of mindfulness. Newton's Laws of Motion. Maintenance/practice to avoid setting yourself up to be trapped. Coping crap to deal with and manage stress.
-Just related thoughts that came to mind while reading your reply in no particular order. No need for me to give them full sentences or elaboration lol. Do with them what you will lol.

I think the throwing of the sand was a good use/example of the dealing with the danger of passivety. Seems to boil down to a lack of control anyway you spin it as fear of the unknown is basically anxiety due to insecurity because of a lack of control. Fear causes you to fight, flee, fawn/feign your person when presented.

The above user who spoke of fear, well sounds like all of those decisions just need to have weight/support to them so they're reassured in what they do. You don't do or say something without mindful thought. You don't break up with someone without proper reasoning to support the severance of a relationship. Although if you choose to your bad break up feelings will fall back on your deciding factors to do so. Have you asked yourself all the questions and found the answers to support the breakup or not. Yes, I did all I could. Yes this person knows exactly why I want to break up and they accept it rather than fight to work things out. Yes this person's behavior is unlikely to change. Yes, we're just too fundamentally different. Yes I can find someone else better suited, or else would rather be alone than trapped in something that I've done my best to fix. With quitting a job you ask similar questions. With traveling you do a shit ton of homework. With every major decision that any of us has ever made and had success with, a certain level of planning/strategy was behind it. Life needs a plan and/or an evaluation every so often, contentment-ometer. That's just for the functional people too
Think I've hit my limit on positive-thinking for the day...
This all might have more value coming from someone who has success as a functioning person. Grain of salt.

 

[-Link-]

Holy insights here! Highly valuable.

I've read the thread, and now these are some things spilling out of my head.

To preface, I check off almost every one of those 10 "trapped" examples.

I know what it is to feel trapped.

As alluded to above, there are traps within our control and traps outside of our control.

I'd also differentiate between traps that are fact-based and traps that are opinion-based.

As an aside, and while allowing for theoretical exceptions, if you have a trap that consists of both fact and opinion, then this trap would ideally be broken down further. For instance, "I am too anxious and will always mess up any opportunities." If you walk into a therapist's office and make that statement to them, they're going to say, "WHOA! Lots to unpack here!" In some cases, even that single statement may add up to multiple years of therapy.

How do you eat an elephant? ...One bite at a time. If you try to eat the whole thing at once, then the elephant may wind up eating you.

Separating opinions from facts. Is it objectively observable with one of the five senses of sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste? If the answer is "yes", then it is a fact. If the answer is "no", then it is opinion-based.

If the trap concerns an objective fact: First, determine whether or not the issue is within your control. If it's within your control, what can you do to improve or change the situation? If it's outside of your control, the idea is to reconcile with it. Reconciliation with objectively difficult, uncontrollable circumstances is a complicated topic. I'm not going there in this post.

If the trap concerns something opinion-based: First, try to articulate in your mind what thoughts are causing the worry. Of the thoughts you can identify, pick out one that's most problematic. This is the thought to neutralize. Often, I see "think positive" being touted as the answer to negative/worrying thoughts. No. The answer is "think neutral". (If "thinking positive" helps you, that's great. But it's nowhere near as reliable a strategy as "think neutral".) Neutralize the thought by testing it against negative thinking patterns and by looking for objective evidence that either supports or contradicts the thought:

• Catastrophizing
  • thinking about worst case scenarios; blowing something out of proportion; "my partner hasn't responded in a few hours; they're going to break up with me"
• Jumping to Conclusions
  • mind-reading, fortune-telling, negative forecasting; "I'm going to fail this test"; "my neighbours hate me"
• Emotional Reasoning
  • figuring our feelings as objective truths; "I feel guilty, therefore I must be guilty of something"
• Mental Filtering
  • dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring coinciding neutrals or positives; "my friend invited me to go out; this is going to be soooo tiring"
• Discounting the Positive
  • dismissing a positive as having no value; "this person complimented me; they were only doing it to be polite"
• All-or-Nothing
  • black-and-white thinking; thinking in extremes; "this person gave me a weird look; they are now my mortal enemy"
• Personalization
  • taking the blame for something outside one's control; assuming we're related to a perceived negative situation; "my friend left the room abruptly; it must have something I did"; "I overheard my professor complaining about his students; he's obviously referring to me"
• Overgeneralization
  • seeing patterns in one-off occurrences; "always", "never", "everything", "everyone"
• Labelling
  • labelling oneself based on actions or perceptions; make a mistake, "I'm an idiot"; a new pimple on the face, "I'm ugly"
• Should/Must Statements
  • telling ourselves we "must" or "should" tends to inspire unjustified guilt

Now, the above challenges can be applied to basically any possible situation. However, that doesn't mean they're going to necessarily have the desired effect. And if applied inappropriately, they could outright invalidate suffering. For instance, you wouldn't tell an assault victim, "Hey, at least you're still alive." (Actually, some people including doctors and police can and do say this to victims, but we'll not go there right now.)

However, a lot of "traps" exist only in our own minds and can indeed be "disarmed" through reframing or neutralizing our negative thoughts.

So what's the solution? I don't have one right now. It's too big of a subject. This post is to get a discussion going and start surface-level thinking about the feeling of being trapped versus simply a feeling of pain.​

My focus on making this post is in addressing traps that exist in our own minds.

For certain types of pain -- particularly those that are based on objectively bad circumstances outside one's control -- what I've spoken of here would likely be inefficient (even harmful), so there are definitely other angles that I've sidestepped here.

That said, I am thinking I'd discern between these two items by attributing the feelings of (emotional) pain to a negative thought or a set of negative thoughts. So, the trap would consist of the negative thoughts, and the feeling of pain would be the result of getting caught in the trap. A cause and an effect.

Whether this would be appropriate for other types of traps is beyond the scope of my focus in this post.