Venting Feeling the need to prove my suicidality...

[cupcakesandmilk]

There's a part of me that feels the need to "prove" (to) myself that my thoughts and feelings regarding suicide are valid and I'm not merely faking my ideation for attention, which is somewhat odd considering that I've never opened up to anyone about it IRL, but still, I constantly feel like I'm just craving for attention. I guess it somewhat stems from the fact that I don't really have any "real" problems per se; it's all just in my head; if I follow the crowd, I can have a relatively "normal" life.

But again, a part of me just wants to swallow all the meds I have in my house down my throat, even though I know it would just end in a disaster and I would just end up inconveniencing my family, and that's why I won't be doing it. I still so wish there was a way I could prove to myself that I'm not just "seeking attention." I do cut on an almost daily basis and have starved myself before in the past, but I still feel as though that isn't enough and that I've got to do more—a failed attempt or anything close to a similar magnitude; I know it sounds utterly ridiculous and would most likely leave me feeling worse than before, but that's my brain for ya, I guess cutting deep would unironically help someone like me, but I can only go so deep with sharper blades...

Frankly, I myself don't even know what the point of all this rambling was.

 

[SVEN]

At least now you know that you've expressed your uncertainties openly, they're being acknowledged as having worth and no one is shocked, patronising or trying to argue you out of how you feel. That's got to be worth something.

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

At least now you know that you've expressed your uncertainties openly, they're being acknowledged as having worth and no one is shocked, patronising or trying to argue you out of how you feel. That's got to be worth something.

Pardon me, I'm dumb; I didn't quite get ya.

 

[UKscotty]

None of us are sure. The only ones who are sure have left this world.

It's the last resort remember. There is nothing wrong with being unsure.

 

[hewiof]

wow it feels like I could've written every sentence myself. The stuff I say below may not be true for you but it comes from my own experience with dealing with the same thoughts.

When your problems stem from your head and not from the circumstances of your reality you might seek out tangible experiences to prove or quantify your suffering, the depth of a cut or how many pills you take or the severity of an attempt is something that can be measured much more easily than the emotional turmoil you're experiencing.
I also think that these thoughts about proving suicidality might also stem from a place of self hatred and feelings of incompetence. I don't think your thoughts about a failed attempt are ridiculous, it's a very common sentiment to have. Personally I hate myself for how I haven't tried harder to recover but also haven't been able to just go through with committing either, and I've entertained the idea of taking huge overdoses because I just want to stop these thoughts about me being pathetic or incapable. I think being able to love yourself and accept the very real depth of your struggles, even if as you say they exist in your mind, will lessen the thoughts about wanting to constantly prove the reality of your problems.

I hope these words can be helpful because this is something I still struggle with and I relate greatly with your post, hope you are well

 

[SVEN]

Just in view of your summing up that, "I don't even know what the point of all this rambling was", I was hoping that having the freedom to express your dilemma may have afforded some comfort.

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

wow it feels like I could've written every sentence myself. The stuff I say below may not be true for you but it comes from my own experience with dealing with the same thoughts.

When your problems stem from your head and not from the circumstances of your reality you might seek out tangible experiences to prove or quantify your suffering, the depth of a cut or how many pills you take or the severity of an attempt is something that can be measured much more easily than the emotional turmoil you're experiencing.
I also think that these thoughts about proving suicidality might also stem from a place of self hatred and feelings of incompetence. I don't think your thoughts about a failed attempt are ridiculous, it's a very common sentiment to have. Personally I hate myself for how I haven't tried harder to recover but also haven't been able to just go through with committing either, and I've entertained the idea of taking huge overdoses because I just want to stop these thoughts about me being pathetic or incapable. I think being able to love yourself and accept the very real depth of your struggles, even if as you say they exist in your mind, will lessen the thoughts about wanting to constantly prove the reality of your problems.

I hope these words can be helpful because this is something I still struggle with and I relate greatly with your post, hope you are well

Yup, I can relate, and you're right, I struggle a lot with self-hatred as well. There's a common advice that floats on the internet when it comes to self-hatred, which is along the lines of generally treating yourself well and rewarding yourself for small day-to-day accomplishments and all that stuff, but personally, I could never buy into that because my mind immediately jumps to, "What have I done to deserve it?" "If I can accomplish something, then it must mean that that task was easy enough to begin with; I've no right to deserve any special treatment for that," and so on... It's wild, and it doesn't help that I'm aware of all this, as it only serves to make me feel even worse about myself, but still, it feels kind of good that I'm not alone in this, which is kind of a messed up thing to say; so sorry about that. :')

I wish it was easier for both of us... Hope you're doing well too; take care. <3

 

[halleyscomet]

i feel the same way. it feels really invalidating when your illness can't be seen on the outside. i so desperately want to scream it out, i want to sob uncontrollably, i want my wounds to show all in front of an audience. but i put on a smile and continue on anyways because i don't know how not to. even after multiple failed attempts i have not been taken seriously. at the end of the day people only hear what they want to hear, nobody wants someone they know to be ill, so they just ignore it. no matter how bad you are doing, you are still sososo valid. peoples perception of you do not dictate who you are, it is what you feel, what you have to put up with everyday that defines your suffering. no matter how big and small your pain is, it's still pain my love.