Venting Feeling suicidal but then discovering this may not be real

[ForgottenAgain]

Hi, I'm a new member here.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder several years ago. I've been having issues with mental health for more than 15 years and I've felt suicidal in the past. Most recently (excluding now) was 2019 when I wrote my suicide note, took care of my affairs but didn't know how to effectively kill myself.

For the past 2 weeks I've been feeling extremely suicidal in a way that I haven't felt before. It used to feel very emotional, heart pounding, quick breathing, fear and would cut myself. Now I'm incredibly chill with the idea of dying. I felt like every day I was saying goodbye to the world around me, I researched methods and statistics, I found this website. I sank into a state in a way I haven't sunk before.

My life isn't great but it has been way worse and yet, I'm incredibly miserable and feel actually hopeless regarding life.
I had an appointment with my therapist who knows me for those 15+ years and he said that, how intensely I'm feeling doesn't correlate to how my life is, while in the past it did. He said that there is a high chance that I'm feeling this way due to a chemical imbalance.

That was something I haven't considered, it made me feel calmer but also more shocked. Like I can't trust my judgement, that I'm not capable of telling what's real or not and that terrifies me.

I have an appointment at a psychiatric hospital on Saturday, the nurse said they will do a thorough assessment and go from there. I'm very nervous, I've had appointments with a psychiatrist in the past but never went to a psychiatric hospital.

I'm incredibly lost now, I almost can't contain myself and inevitably cry when people talk to me. I feel so much that I want my life to end but now I don't know if that is real, if it isn't, what then? What is my problem then? Will I have to take meds for life?

My boyfriend is my family, we have been through death together, and now I'm hurting him with all this, all while he is navigating his own mental problems. I'm so fucking tired of this life.

 

[paintedbutterfly676]

I don't have a degree or anything, just a lot of experience with this shit. It could be depression, which yes, if you're suicidal when depressed they will likely make you take medicine. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I wish you the best, we are here to help with anything you decide

 

[ForgottenAgain]

The assessment ended up being less thorough than I expected. The main focus was the suicidal part and they speaking to me about possibly being at the ward but how that is not a good experience. That it is good for keeping someone safe from ctb but not for making you feel better.

They will call me tomorrow, then have another appointment there on Wednesday and then Psychiatrist appointment on Thursday. They told me to not work this week.

They talked about having a personality disorder and how they can't give meds for someone to stop being themselves since at some point we kind of are the illness? I don't know, made me feel hopeless. Also saying that there is a price for being creative and sensitive. I'm just...severely sad.

I just wanted to be happy and I can't, no matter how life improves. I don't want to be doomed to being miserable. Surely that is not me, surely I'm not just a pile of sadness and suicidal thoughts... I thought I was more.