From my own experiences, and maybe this helps, I hope it does - when you say you don't know why you don't just get it over with, it's a hard thing for most to just get it over with. I don't mean this as a criticism at all - I have had similar thoughts and have even been angry with myself for not just doing it. This brutal type of talk I have with myself usually ends up with me feeling…more angry with myself.
If anything, at the end of your life, whenever it comes, I hope you go in peace. It's hard to end the life of someone loved, and harder still when you don't realize how much love you
did have for yourself but was broken, by someone or a series of events beyond your control.
I'm sorry your therapist is on vacation - I really am. And you've messaged them to no avail.
Beyond frustrating
Last bit: regarding feeling like you're doing this for attention. There's nothing wrong in that - you're experiencing some strong, valid feelings and want some help. I think of it as a person on fire, it's like damn, is nobody going to grab a hose here or what? There's no shame in wanting help, asking for help, yelling for help. You do whatever you have to do to get that attention.
Attention in this sense is warranted.
My narc parents weaponized words and gaslit like it was their job. I can still hear how my mother would mock me, or mock my sister, saying "you're just doing that for attention.", in a disgusted, almost jealous tone. It was like yeah, attention
is needed here! You're not going to shame us into seclusion!
Pulling for you,
@oooobeeeeii
