ratvroomvrooms
Member
- Apr 10, 2024
- 16
Sorry if this is all over the place, I suck at cohesion and stuff. I just want to type away all I feel, haha.
I haven't been doing alright for years now. I used to be okay-ish during elementary, all I had to worry about was fitting in and being an overachiever. But high school hit and then I became a troublesome student who could barely socialize (mostly a fault during the pandemic). This hit my family the hardest. They started out being emotionally constipated, but they slowly became more and more understanding, more open-minded. My mother especially. For the past years, she tried her best to make me happy, giving me so much familial accommodations and trying to make me motivated in school. Sometimes, she gets tired and snaps, but I can't hold that against her. I could tell that I've worn her down multiple times already. But all I ever gave in return were half-hearted thank you's and a load of embarrassment. I remember when she got called to the new school I got transferred to because of my behavior (specifically bringing a lot of pills to school for me to OD on during recess). At that school, it was actually her friend who recommended it for me to transfer to. But because of that event (among multiple others), she felt too embarrass to show her face to that friend. My mother broke down because of that embarrassment she felt. It did hurt seeing her that way, but when I transferred again, I wasn't exactly a good student either. I kept hurting my mother who kept trying.
And then there's also my siblings. A lot more on my sister, to be honest. During the pandemic, I kept threatening to kill myself and it badly affected her. She tried to help me so many times. I'm happy that she started to not care, or at least made some emotional distance between her and I. I stopped being emotionally dependent on her. My brothers took a hit, too, mostly because I kept making my parents cry and break down. They love our parents, of course they'd be upset with me.
Anyway, I've been doing well in my new school. My family is stronger than ever, and I'm doing well with my families. But I could feel that I'm starting to slip again (skipping classes, thinking of going back to cutting, and been thinking about killing myself more than usual). My family's done so much and gotten this far to help me, yet I'm feeling this way. I have it all, a family that loves and is proud of me, friends I got to keep and didn't ruin, and grades I actually made myself deserve. What more do I want? Why do I keep asking more from this world? I'm always left so unsatisfied, and I don't want my family to feel like they haven't done enough. When I CTB, I hope that they don't feel like they didn't do enough. I hope they resent me, knowing that they did everything they can, and that I'm just selfish and ungrateful.
I haven't been doing alright for years now. I used to be okay-ish during elementary, all I had to worry about was fitting in and being an overachiever. But high school hit and then I became a troublesome student who could barely socialize (mostly a fault during the pandemic). This hit my family the hardest. They started out being emotionally constipated, but they slowly became more and more understanding, more open-minded. My mother especially. For the past years, she tried her best to make me happy, giving me so much familial accommodations and trying to make me motivated in school. Sometimes, she gets tired and snaps, but I can't hold that against her. I could tell that I've worn her down multiple times already. But all I ever gave in return were half-hearted thank you's and a load of embarrassment. I remember when she got called to the new school I got transferred to because of my behavior (specifically bringing a lot of pills to school for me to OD on during recess). At that school, it was actually her friend who recommended it for me to transfer to. But because of that event (among multiple others), she felt too embarrass to show her face to that friend. My mother broke down because of that embarrassment she felt. It did hurt seeing her that way, but when I transferred again, I wasn't exactly a good student either. I kept hurting my mother who kept trying.
And then there's also my siblings. A lot more on my sister, to be honest. During the pandemic, I kept threatening to kill myself and it badly affected her. She tried to help me so many times. I'm happy that she started to not care, or at least made some emotional distance between her and I. I stopped being emotionally dependent on her. My brothers took a hit, too, mostly because I kept making my parents cry and break down. They love our parents, of course they'd be upset with me.
Anyway, I've been doing well in my new school. My family is stronger than ever, and I'm doing well with my families. But I could feel that I'm starting to slip again (skipping classes, thinking of going back to cutting, and been thinking about killing myself more than usual). My family's done so much and gotten this far to help me, yet I'm feeling this way. I have it all, a family that loves and is proud of me, friends I got to keep and didn't ruin, and grades I actually made myself deserve. What more do I want? Why do I keep asking more from this world? I'm always left so unsatisfied, and I don't want my family to feel like they haven't done enough. When I CTB, I hope that they don't feel like they didn't do enough. I hope they resent me, knowing that they did everything they can, and that I'm just selfish and ungrateful.
