Help Feeling so much guilt

[suicidalcatlady]

My dad told someone that he's super proud of me. It's because for the past 7 weeks I've been doing a mental health (mood/anxiety/PTSD) partial hospitalization program because of my recent attempt. It has actually helped with my emotion regulation and distress tolerance. I "tried" again to get better at life because the last attempt was traumatic and caused a nerve injury. However, I still feel a lot of suicidal ideation and honestly really want to attempt again. It makes me feel like an absolute monster, since my dad was proud of me and everyone thinks I'm better. But just because I have more emotional stability doesn't mean that the original reasons for wanting to ctb have all gone away (on top of a nerve injury that might cause permanent issues with my walking and might require surgery). I don't know what to do I feel like such a terrible person….

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so horrible failing an attempt, that's exactly what I fear, but anyway it's a personal decision deciding what to do, none of us are obligated to continue existing here and wanting to permanently escape from all suffering could never make someone a terrible person. I wish you the best.

 

[Pluto]

I know it feels absolutely overwhelming right now, but this is to be expected in this situation. Being around positive people and constructive therapies can cause us to repress authentic feelings: guilt, shame, grief, frustration, etc. Repressed emotion will be a pressure cooker that cannot be sustained.

We can also be trying hard to live up to other people's expectations, including unrealistic ones that might demand we suddenly flick a switch and become a source of endless positive inspiration for others.

I feel there needs to be an outlet for authentic feelings in some form. I'm not sure if some sort of artistic output, or physical activity or something else might work. There is also the more direct approaches to emotion like Byron Katie-style work if you are open to it.