I-can-only-imagine
Student
- Apr 26, 2021
- 135
Hey guys.
so I've been a lurker pretty much daily since finding this site and whilst waiting for my account to be approved.
Basically I just wanted to share my story. I am pretty sure it is nothing new and nothing compared to some of you but I need to connect to people who understand and to have people to reach out to in the worst of times.
When I was 2 1/2 I lost my younger sister to SIDS. It destroyed my mum and she became an alcoholic, which I was never aware of until she was caught drunk driving when I was about 7. After that she barely tried to hide it and I became a young carer to my younger sister (born 2 years after the loss of my sister). My dad had to work 11 hour days to keep a roof above our heads. My mum suffered severely with depression and suicidal tendencies after we lost my sister. The day my sister died is one of my earliest memories. I still remember mum screaming upstairs whilst watching everything happening downstairs. I was severely affected and nearly hospitalised as stopped eating, lost half my body weight and would do things Iike sit under where I watched my dad resuscitate my sister, lining my teddies up whilst repeating what my dad said that night.
My mum died when I was 12. The last words I said to her were "I wish you were dead" in a stupid argument about bed time as it was back to school the next day. Ironically she was sober that night and it killed her, sudden heart attack at 2am, at 41 years of age. I woke to dad calling for help, waited for the ambulance, let my neighbour in who was a nurse and took my sister downstairs to protect her. I was the one to tell my sister mum had died, as dad was stuck talking to the cops due to sudden death.
over the next 2 years, I lost nearly 10 people to many different things from cancer to illness to suicide. It fucked me and at 15 I was admitted to a mental health ward after my 7th CTB attempt and daily SH. I was there for 7 months and I got better. I learnt a lot about how to manage my MH and my warning signs of when I needed to go back on meds before I became very unwell. Of course over the years I have had my downs but my management plan has always worked and I am now in a medical profession, on the front line.
That is an overview of my background. Here is to now. I was relocated to a rural community for work which I was aware would likely happen and had no problems with. I was already back on my meds since last year when my dad tried to OD in the UK (I relocated to the other side of the world 7 years ago). However being here has really screwed me up. My MH is the worst it has been for 15 years. I'm SH again. Now under a psychiatrist and psychologist for the first time in 15 years. Have had one episode of being about to CTB but was talked down by anonymous help.
I was doing everything right. Getting help (it has worked for me before). But then things blew up at work. Work was my "safe place" where only trusted people knew. I was having a bad day and screwed up, telling a colleague why I was struggling. Long story short, big bosses got involved and the truth was changed through Chinese whispers. Whilst this was all happening I also lost someone to cancer who was my "daddy" in this country and who I loved dearly.
I have now had risk assessments done without my knowledge or any of my professionals being involved, by big bosses who I have met once. Not once has anyone asked how I am or involved me, my housemate who is also a colleague is told more about me than I am by my immediate boss.
Now I have major anxiety and paranoia on top of the major depression. I was improving before work blew up. Now I've gone straight back. I think about SH daily if not doing it daily (it is at least every other day atm). I think about CTB but don't have the intent for now. My cats and dog keep me here. But the one night i did have the intent, I was going to take them with me.
it was all being controlled by me until work blew up and it has all been taken out of my control. So now I have ED thoughts as it IS something I control and I have to fight daily against my lack of appetite but also the guilt from eating because I "failed" to not eat yet I know I HAVE to eat at least something. I go through "manic" periods (not BPD) where my thoughts run 1000 mph and I am hyped and fidgety and feeling reckless. I now have times I have severe urges to SH at work. I was 14 years clean before all of this. Being in the medical profession I have to be careful what I say as I am all too aware of what can occur. However at least I can be honest with my psychologist I suppose.
anyway. I found this site and whilst I don't want to CTB, just reading through the posts has helped a little. So I suppose I just wanted to reach out, share my story and say hi. If you have lasted reading this long, thank you.
so I've been a lurker pretty much daily since finding this site and whilst waiting for my account to be approved.
Basically I just wanted to share my story. I am pretty sure it is nothing new and nothing compared to some of you but I need to connect to people who understand and to have people to reach out to in the worst of times.
When I was 2 1/2 I lost my younger sister to SIDS. It destroyed my mum and she became an alcoholic, which I was never aware of until she was caught drunk driving when I was about 7. After that she barely tried to hide it and I became a young carer to my younger sister (born 2 years after the loss of my sister). My dad had to work 11 hour days to keep a roof above our heads. My mum suffered severely with depression and suicidal tendencies after we lost my sister. The day my sister died is one of my earliest memories. I still remember mum screaming upstairs whilst watching everything happening downstairs. I was severely affected and nearly hospitalised as stopped eating, lost half my body weight and would do things Iike sit under where I watched my dad resuscitate my sister, lining my teddies up whilst repeating what my dad said that night.
My mum died when I was 12. The last words I said to her were "I wish you were dead" in a stupid argument about bed time as it was back to school the next day. Ironically she was sober that night and it killed her, sudden heart attack at 2am, at 41 years of age. I woke to dad calling for help, waited for the ambulance, let my neighbour in who was a nurse and took my sister downstairs to protect her. I was the one to tell my sister mum had died, as dad was stuck talking to the cops due to sudden death.
over the next 2 years, I lost nearly 10 people to many different things from cancer to illness to suicide. It fucked me and at 15 I was admitted to a mental health ward after my 7th CTB attempt and daily SH. I was there for 7 months and I got better. I learnt a lot about how to manage my MH and my warning signs of when I needed to go back on meds before I became very unwell. Of course over the years I have had my downs but my management plan has always worked and I am now in a medical profession, on the front line.
That is an overview of my background. Here is to now. I was relocated to a rural community for work which I was aware would likely happen and had no problems with. I was already back on my meds since last year when my dad tried to OD in the UK (I relocated to the other side of the world 7 years ago). However being here has really screwed me up. My MH is the worst it has been for 15 years. I'm SH again. Now under a psychiatrist and psychologist for the first time in 15 years. Have had one episode of being about to CTB but was talked down by anonymous help.
I was doing everything right. Getting help (it has worked for me before). But then things blew up at work. Work was my "safe place" where only trusted people knew. I was having a bad day and screwed up, telling a colleague why I was struggling. Long story short, big bosses got involved and the truth was changed through Chinese whispers. Whilst this was all happening I also lost someone to cancer who was my "daddy" in this country and who I loved dearly.
I have now had risk assessments done without my knowledge or any of my professionals being involved, by big bosses who I have met once. Not once has anyone asked how I am or involved me, my housemate who is also a colleague is told more about me than I am by my immediate boss.
Now I have major anxiety and paranoia on top of the major depression. I was improving before work blew up. Now I've gone straight back. I think about SH daily if not doing it daily (it is at least every other day atm). I think about CTB but don't have the intent for now. My cats and dog keep me here. But the one night i did have the intent, I was going to take them with me.
it was all being controlled by me until work blew up and it has all been taken out of my control. So now I have ED thoughts as it IS something I control and I have to fight daily against my lack of appetite but also the guilt from eating because I "failed" to not eat yet I know I HAVE to eat at least something. I go through "manic" periods (not BPD) where my thoughts run 1000 mph and I am hyped and fidgety and feeling reckless. I now have times I have severe urges to SH at work. I was 14 years clean before all of this. Being in the medical profession I have to be careful what I say as I am all too aware of what can occur. However at least I can be honest with my psychologist I suppose.
anyway. I found this site and whilst I don't want to CTB, just reading through the posts has helped a little. So I suppose I just wanted to reach out, share my story and say hi. If you have lasted reading this long, thank you.
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