Especially for those who are being forced out into the world- by parents or just your situation. Especially those who struggle with things like social anxiety, do you just feel sickened thinking about what you're going to have to do?
I read posts about people giving presentations, going to interviews, going to job fairs. I used to do all those things. They likely filled me with dread at the time too to be honest but somehow now, it just feels unbearable.
I know ultimately, I may not have much choice. I'm going to need to find work soon unless I can be more confident about freelance work coming in.
I also know I've made it this bad for myself by working and living alone for so long. Still, it just feels unbearable really. It's so calming to think I could suicide and relieve myself all the stress and hassle. But then, I know I can't do that either while my Dad is still alive.
I just feel stuck in a negative feedback loop. I can't die while you're (my Dad) is still alive. I'm utterly dreading pretty much every aspect of my life. I hate this life. I wish I didn't have it. I wish I didn't have to comply with earning money to support the life I don't want. Why did you choose to bring children into this? But then, you're also a kind and loving person so, I can't inflict my suicide on you. But then, how long am I going to have to wait and, how am I going to make it through?
I'm just so tired of all the worry though. The other weird thing is, my Dad is one of the very few people I keep in contact with. He does actually want to be there for me and listen to problems. (Or, I think he likes to think that he does. I doubt he would in reality. He just ends up getting bored and frustrated in reality.) But then, I don't really feel able to say that my biggest problem is being alive!
There aren't actually ways to solve the other problems without winning the lottery or something. The other problems are basically intrinsic to life. The majority of us have little choice but to face them in order to survive which is why non survival is so appealing.
I read posts about people giving presentations, going to interviews, going to job fairs. I used to do all those things. They likely filled me with dread at the time too to be honest but somehow now, it just feels unbearable.
I know ultimately, I may not have much choice. I'm going to need to find work soon unless I can be more confident about freelance work coming in.
I also know I've made it this bad for myself by working and living alone for so long. Still, it just feels unbearable really. It's so calming to think I could suicide and relieve myself all the stress and hassle. But then, I know I can't do that either while my Dad is still alive.
I just feel stuck in a negative feedback loop. I can't die while you're (my Dad) is still alive. I'm utterly dreading pretty much every aspect of my life. I hate this life. I wish I didn't have it. I wish I didn't have to comply with earning money to support the life I don't want. Why did you choose to bring children into this? But then, you're also a kind and loving person so, I can't inflict my suicide on you. But then, how long am I going to have to wait and, how am I going to make it through?
I'm just so tired of all the worry though. The other weird thing is, my Dad is one of the very few people I keep in contact with. He does actually want to be there for me and listen to problems. (Or, I think he likes to think that he does. I doubt he would in reality. He just ends up getting bored and frustrated in reality.) But then, I don't really feel able to say that my biggest problem is being alive!
There aren't actually ways to solve the other problems without winning the lottery or something. The other problems are basically intrinsic to life. The majority of us have little choice but to face them in order to survive which is why non survival is so appealing.
