Feeling really suicidal after being criticized

[cptsdfugue]

I don't know if anyone else is like this. If you are please let me know what disorder you believe causes this because I'm not sure if my depression anxiety CPTSD BPD or something entirely different causes me to feel like this… TLDR: Tending to take any criticism really harshly even if it's well intentioned and I'm in the wrong, I immediately want to kill myself and I try distancing myself completely and cutting ties to avoid being reminded of my failure/imperfection/criticism. Wondering if anyone relates.

From a young age every time someone criticized me I would feel intense terror and dread and guilt. If I was pointed out to be really inconsiderate? I'd feel extreme guilt. If I was pointed out to be too loud? I would feel guilty. If I was being pointed out for being really weird towards someone? I'd cower. I would always apologize and feel a heavy weighted guilt on me. Even back in 8th grade, I ruined a group project's grade by accident and despite nobody criticizing me I felt intense dread and terror and upset.

I always scramble and panic because I always expect the worst when people criticize me. It's so odd now that I think about it and it's driving me crazy because I know that I'm human and I make mistakes but if I make mistakes that hurt others I feel so hurt and so terrible.

I take life like a joke so I tend to not take people seriously or situations seriously (a defense mechanism, perhaps?) and what's making me feel this way today is the fact I was excited to meet someone my friend was friends with online, I talked a bit about how excited I was and I started losing control a bit of myself and my friend said I sounded parasocial and I was like yeah I do, then she got upset at me and said that I was being really inconsiderate of how her friend felt and how they were probably really weirded out that I was being parasocial, even though I meant it as a joke.

And now I'm sitting on my bed, having had left a group chat and server that I was in, because of my guilt. I just want to shut off my problems and run away from it all. I feel like if I make a mistake then I am a disgrace and I don't deserve to live. I just want to die so so badly. Die so I can't make mistakes like this again.

… Anyone else? And do you all have advice for this? I would put this in offtopic, but since it mentions suicide I figured I'd put it here instead.

I don't want to have this reaction anymore. It hurts so much and I feel so self centered for taking everything so personally.

 

[owarikigan]

hi, not to armchair diagnose just sounds a lot like avpd which i suffer from and relate to all of this esp with cutting people off or self isolating out of humiliation and guilt. it's also commonly comorbid with ptsd, you could look into it if you wanted. hell even for me it doesn't have to be direct criticism, as long as it's perceived as such in my head it will ruin my day . sorry you have to deal w that :( i also just cope by seeing everything as a joke or trying to seem tougher than i am which, as long as it deescalates the situation usually helps me too

 

[telekon]

hi, not to armchair diagnose just sounds a lot like avpd which i suffer from and relate to all of this esp with cutting people off or self isolating out of humiliation and guilt. it's also commonly comorbid with ptsd, you could look into it if you wanted. hell even for me it doesn't have to be direct criticism, as long as it's perceived as such in my head it will ruin my day . sorry you have to deal w that :( i also just cope by seeing everything as a joke or trying to seem tougher than i am which, as long as it deescalates the situation usually helps me too

that's funny I immediately thought avoidant personality disorder too which I also suffer from

combined with everything else mentioned, it makes a lot of sense and yeah I do feel that way too

 

[orangecrush]

From a young age every time someone criticized me I would feel intense terror and dread and guilt. If I was pointed out to be really inconsiderate? I'd feel extreme guilt. If I was pointed out to be too loud? I would feel guilty. If I was being pointed out for being really weird towards someone? I'd cower. I would always apologize and feel a heavy weighted guilt on me. Even back in 8th grade, I ruined a group project's grade by accident and despite nobody criticizing me I felt intense dread and terror and upset.

yes, i feel that way too. the way you described your childhood sounds exactly like you ripped a page out of my life. for me it's gotten to the point where i've ruined basically every friendship i used to have. i feel the need to isolate myself from everyone to protect myself from humiliation/doing something wrong/hurting them. it's really horrible and i kinda feel like it's the main reason why my life is so shit right now, i just can't maintain relationships at all, i always have to end them before it gets too far.

rn i'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety, adhd, and ocd, i suspect i have something more going on, but i'm not sure. i agree with what others have said that it's likely avpd, in your case.
i'm sorry you're going through this, i know how exhausting and isolating it is