Sorry for the long post. I just need to vent it out because I cannot talk to anybody.
I am tired. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders.
All my life, we have struggled financially. Of course there were good days, but mostly my parents, and now me, just live paycheck to paycheck. The reason for this is that we have mismanaged our finances from the start.
As for me, I have been working for about 18 years now but all my money goes to paying off debts. I know I incurred these debts and enjoyed the hell out of my life and was basically living beyong my means. I was also answering gor some minor expensed at home. I was able to travel, eat at good restaurants, and buy the things that I wanted. I would use my card until things started to pile up and I started securing bank loans to pay off these cards, but would end up using my card anyway. I NEVER LEARNED MY LESSON AND KEPT SPENDING BEYOND MY MEANS and this is why I am in this situation. It's all my fault.
In 2020, my mom suffered a stroke and has been bedridden since. It was fine and we were able to manage because my dad had a job then until he was laid off in 2022. Suddenly the burden of taking care of my parents fell on me while I have my own obligations to pay for. This led me to borrow from online loan applications to get by. They have very high interest and harrass their borrowers if not paid on time (death threats, calling everyone in the contact list and post you in social media to shame you). I had to pay for 2 caregivers at USD600 per month and that in itself is already half of my salary. I had to pay for medicines and all other expenses at my parents' house, all the while paying for my mortgages and car and all other debts I incurred in the past.
I have a sister who only started helping this January when I just couldn't shoulder for anything anymore. The reason for her helping this late in the game is that she has a family of her own and I am the single one. Her help basically is just USD 100 per month.
My relatives abroad have offered help but of course that comes with a lot of judgements and hurtful words. I just accept it all. Afterall, this is my own doing. My sister and I are not in good terms right now because I didn't tell her about the the help from abroad because she might take away her share of USD100 per month.
Now I have this huge debt (USD 60,000) and I don't know how to get out of it. And then add the emotional stress at home where my mom is bedridden yet still acts like she has all the money in the world, and my dad being an enabler and not managing her is making it more difficult. Plus the feud with my sister and judgement from my relatives.
I wish I had saved then. I wish I was better in handling finances. All of my problems can be solved by money. I don't have that and I am way too deep that my salary can't even cover for anything anymore.
I don't know what to do. This is too much for me. I want to end my life and stop this suffering. I just hope my family will take good care of my dogs. Even my dogs are not enough to keep me going.
I am planning to CTB in March. I already ordered the materials for my exit bag, the next step is ordering the N2 tank.
I'm done.
I am tired. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders.
All my life, we have struggled financially. Of course there were good days, but mostly my parents, and now me, just live paycheck to paycheck. The reason for this is that we have mismanaged our finances from the start.
As for me, I have been working for about 18 years now but all my money goes to paying off debts. I know I incurred these debts and enjoyed the hell out of my life and was basically living beyong my means. I was also answering gor some minor expensed at home. I was able to travel, eat at good restaurants, and buy the things that I wanted. I would use my card until things started to pile up and I started securing bank loans to pay off these cards, but would end up using my card anyway. I NEVER LEARNED MY LESSON AND KEPT SPENDING BEYOND MY MEANS and this is why I am in this situation. It's all my fault.
In 2020, my mom suffered a stroke and has been bedridden since. It was fine and we were able to manage because my dad had a job then until he was laid off in 2022. Suddenly the burden of taking care of my parents fell on me while I have my own obligations to pay for. This led me to borrow from online loan applications to get by. They have very high interest and harrass their borrowers if not paid on time (death threats, calling everyone in the contact list and post you in social media to shame you). I had to pay for 2 caregivers at USD600 per month and that in itself is already half of my salary. I had to pay for medicines and all other expenses at my parents' house, all the while paying for my mortgages and car and all other debts I incurred in the past.
I have a sister who only started helping this January when I just couldn't shoulder for anything anymore. The reason for her helping this late in the game is that she has a family of her own and I am the single one. Her help basically is just USD 100 per month.
My relatives abroad have offered help but of course that comes with a lot of judgements and hurtful words. I just accept it all. Afterall, this is my own doing. My sister and I are not in good terms right now because I didn't tell her about the the help from abroad because she might take away her share of USD100 per month.
Now I have this huge debt (USD 60,000) and I don't know how to get out of it. And then add the emotional stress at home where my mom is bedridden yet still acts like she has all the money in the world, and my dad being an enabler and not managing her is making it more difficult. Plus the feud with my sister and judgement from my relatives.
I wish I had saved then. I wish I was better in handling finances. All of my problems can be solved by money. I don't have that and I am way too deep that my salary can't even cover for anything anymore.
I don't know what to do. This is too much for me. I want to end my life and stop this suffering. I just hope my family will take good care of my dogs. Even my dogs are not enough to keep me going.
I am planning to CTB in March. I already ordered the materials for my exit bag, the next step is ordering the N2 tank.
I'm done.
