feeling numb

[LilaMond]

Ever since I was 11, I have imagined to ctb or just never to have existed at all. I think about 'not-being' as something peaceful and warm. For me, there is nothing aggressive in the thought of ctb.

I also for the first time sensed glimpses of peace and warmth in being alive, while experiencing love with my bf. So every time, when the possibility of a breakup occurs, all the glimpses of peace and warmth completely disappear. The World for me, then turns to a cold, isolated, anonymous and chaotic place where I find not a single human, to whom I could turn to. I am standing alone on a busy Street in bright daylight. Thousands of hectic people running around, trough each other and me, without seeing or feeling the warmth of each others or my body.

Without the love of my bf, suddenly the world turns into a place where nobody cares to have a breathing body of their own or cares to see the fragility of other peoples hearts. I wonder how love, death, peace and warmth seem so connected to me. I feel unbearable pain when being confronted with the idea of living without my bf. I wish he could understand how I feel and see the world through my eyes, only for a few moments. I wish he would never leave me.

As I am writing these words I realize how egoistic I sound in wishing for him to never leave me, so that peace and warmth may never leave me while being alive. I am honestly sorry, I just don't know how and where else to find love in this world.

 

[releasespieces]

Love is the drug by Roxy Music… thats what popped into my head. It's a good tune, worth a listen.

I understand where you are coming from, I used to be the same way when I was much younger.

There is something to be said for introspection and understanding the self. We often look to others to complete us, but the truth is that we are the only ones that can really do that. If we can't imagine our lives without a significant other it's likely because we are afraid to explore the shadow side of ourselves. Everyone is unique, but I just find more peace and power in knowing myself than having relations with other people. Relationships with other people should compliment your true self, not complete it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Ever since I was 11, I have imagined to ctb or just never to have existed at all. I think about 'not-being' as something peaceful and warm. For me, there is nothing aggressive in the thought of ctb.

You and @FuneralCry would get along splendidly, as it appears your philosophies align very closely.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always found the thought of not existing to be peaceful as well. I actually think that there is nothing more peaceful than the absence of everything and the inability to experience anything at all. To me, the thought of nothingness for all eternity is so incredibly comforting. But yes, existing can be so incredibly painful and cruel. If there is something that is seen as being positive by someone, it only exists just to be taken away and inevitably lead to more suffering being experienced, which is very tragic to me.