Help Feeling more lost as the day comes closer

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

I am in the point where I can either choose to continue with my plan to CTB or keep trying. I have two weeks to finalize my decision. I don't know what the world has in plan for me. After reading what @ecmnesia posted about wanting to run away and get away from everything, it made me consider doing the same.

I don't have to be here. I can say fuck you to everyone and everything and be who I want to be. it's such a huge risk and i don't know if i'm in my right mind to make this type of decision. i don't even know if that is what it will take for me to be happy. After all, the painful memories and trauma haunting me aren't so easily discardable as people.

I have a bright future if i follow my set path. I can become a doctor and graduate while I am still in my mid 20s because of how ahead I am in my studies. But i don't even know what I want. i'm lost. Medicine sounds so depressing and unrewarding. yes money, but that isn't something that makes me happy. I don't even want to support the big pharma that milks people dry.

After becoming rational with CTB 6 months ago, I discovered my love for creating music. However, i'm not sure if it's a phase or not. I like doing it. it makes me happy, but i cannot give it enough of my time when i have work and school shoved down my throat. As I approach my CTB date, I can't help but to try to piece together the possibilities. I want so badly to believe that I can move past this, but if pain is the inevitable it's better to end it while I can. while i can still feel comfortable tying lose ends.

I know it's stupid to ask for anyone's opinion because ultimately it's my choice in the end, but any words would be comforting. thank you.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

You can make your life whatever you want it within reason and this is not me trying to be a downer but getting a good job and good house etc will not make you happy UNLESS you are materialistic in your orientation.
It is very important to have some goals so you are always striving, we strive even when we want to die the will never stops.

Do what makes you happy and if that is collecting stamps ortrying to cure cancer both are equally valid.
We can always kill ourselves after trying one last time so what is to stop us trying but ourselves.

 

[Sakura94]

It doesn't sound like you're ready to go at all.
I think you should change your date. Add a few more months or even a dozen to it if you want. Btw, I'm considering starting to make music what do you play or use to make it?

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

You can make your life whatever you want it within reason and this is not me trying to be a downer but getting a good job and good house etc will not make you happy UNLESS you are materialistic in your orientation.
It is very important to have some goals so you are always striving, we strive even when we want to die the will never stops.

Do what makes you happy and if that is collecting stamps ortrying to cure cancer both are equally valid.
We can always kill ourselves after trying one last time so what is to stop us trying but ourselves.

its really hard imagining my life beyond this point. honestly i dont know where to begin, but making goals for myself sounds like a good step. i feel like in some way i am facing my fears.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to go at all.
I think you should change your date. Add a few more months or even a dozen to it if you want. Btw, I'm considering starting to make music what do you play or use to make it?

I spent all this time sure that this is what I wanted. i'm a bit distressed having doubts now that i have only two weeks left. *sigh*
I can definitely consider changing the date, but at the moment it's not ideal.

As for making music, I play a bit of the guitar, and use my keyboard. I make lyrics and put everything together in FL studio or garage band.

 

[Weather]

If you kill yourself, all possibilities end; once it's done, it's done. The fact that you think there may be possibilities and options for you yet -- even in a different field or a different place -- means that you don't need to stick to the (arbitrary?) date you set, in my opinion. You can always set a new date. But If you think there is still something out there that you might find rewarding in some way... why not try it first? If you are able to complete an MD degree at a young age, you are clearly gifted -- and I have found that people who are gifted in one area are often gifted in other areas too. So, yeah, since you're asking this on the recovery board... I would certainly explore options.

 

[Sakura94]

its really hard imagining my life beyond this point. honestly i dont know where to begin, but making goals for myself sounds like a good step. i feel like in some way i am facing my fears.


I spent all this time sure that this is what I wanted. i'm a bit distressed having doubts now that i have only two weeks left. *sigh*
I can definitely consider changing the date, but at the moment it's not ideal.

As for making music, I play a bit of the guitar, and use my keyboard. I make lyrics and put everything together in FL studio or garage band.

It helps to feel in control. Life has a way of going against that. I was sure I was going to be gone by spring and then a global pandemic happened out of nowhere. Setting a further date will solidify that and make sure it's what you really want.

Sounds cool, making things helps you feel control and that you're doing something worthwhile and creative whereas the rest of the world is tearing itself apart on social media or whatever.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

i feel like in some way i am facing my fears.

This sounds gay as fuck but the idiom which states the only thing to fear is fear itself rings true.
I have had some truly fucked up things happen I won't mention that were in actuality less scary than the fear of that thing happening was.
We are humans we need certainty even where there is none, spirituality fills the gap for the things we cannot use reason to find the answers to for example.

Just go for it girl take that leap and yes life may generally continue getting worse until you become so apatheticeven those around you wonder why you are yet to kys but mmaybe it wont and you may find where you fit in on this cosmic puzzle known as life.

 

[ecmnesia]

hey... our situations seem so alike. considering my position i am not sure if I should barge in and share my thoughts... i am afraid to make things worse, and although similar, what goes for me not necessarily applies to you. but i want you to know that even though I don't have the answer I am here for you. if you want to talk, don't need to be about this, i will be here for you. i am wishing you well from the bottom of my heart. i see you, i feel you. please be safe, no matter the path you choose.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

If you kill yourself, all possibilities end; once it's done, it's done. The fact that you think there may be possibilities and options for you yet -- even in a different field or a different place -- means that you don't need to stick to the (arbitrary?) date you set, in my opinion. You can always set a new date. But If you think there is still something out there that you might find rewarding in some way... why not try it first?

I guess what's so stressful is that there are so many possibilities. It's horrifying, but out of all of them death is certain. I wish I could see where all of this was going and it would certainly help if I wasn't so indecisive. Another fear would be trying to recover again, only to fail once more :(

 

[ameliacecelia]

You sound like you have a lot you would like to do before you call it quits. It's important that you do so. Qside from antidepressants, you can try Spravato (nasal ketamine spray) and even microdosing psychadelics. I recommend you get tested for the genetic mutation called MTHFR. This can cause disruptions in the serotonin cycle as well as affect how you metabolize many medications, including antidepressants, antipsychotics, and many more. I believe there's still a lot of hope, joy, and happiness out there for you. Best of luck.