Venting Feeling lost and misunderstood

[bonkdemon]

Hiii guys!!

TLDR: I'm living in my own hedgehog dilemma

New here but I've decided to finally post as I have been reading and lurking. Overtime I can't help but feel like mentally over the past few years I've become more drained and empty as a person, I feel as though my mind is else where. Idk if it's because I have some other underlying mental health issues but honestly I've been avoiding medical examination due to my financial circumstances and mindset.

Recently I feel I've gotten worse and I'm not coping well at all. It feels as if no one truly understands how much I'm actually suffering everyday just trying to keep it together and pretend to be happy. I find most nights I lay awake having depressive and suicidal thoughts, I know deep down it's unhealthy but at the same time it's just genuinely how I feel, I've been struggling to open up to my boyfriend as well. I just called him. Everytime he sees/hears me break down he attempts to comfort me but I honestly don't feel any better if anything I feel worse, like there's a gap of understanding that he will never grasp. I feel selfish as he may be going through his own struggles but I honestly don't feel like I'm being taken seriously at all, I'm frustrated and even more upset after the matter.

The last few weeks and months my breakdowns have become more frequent and harder to hide as well. I want to tell him so bad how I truly feel, about the suicidal thoughts plaguing me, about the way I'm exhausted of living. However it's just simply too selfish of me. I know he tells me he loves me but I feel like I would feel more loved if he understood how I felt and how serious I am about what I'm going through. Every time I inch closer to the subject of me wanting to ctb, he gets upset, I know he has every right to be but at the same time I end up having to comfort him and tell him it's okay, that I'm fine. He tells me "don't say that" or "don't say stuff like that" , "how could you want to leave me", I just feel so guilty.

At the end of these talks I just feel so useless and misunderstood was what I was trying to get at. I know it's not his responsibility to be my therapist and it's selfish for me to say these things but it just comes out. It's such a struggle because at the same time he will say "I wish you were more open with me" but when I am it ends up with me being the one to console and comfort him that I won't hurt myself. I really wish I had never opened that part of myself up to him because I hate to see him worried and sad, I do love him. I don't want to leave him but I also don't wish to suffer.

Sorry this is long lol and probably has typos (it's really late and I am extremely sleep deprived lol). I do wonder if anyone else feels the same way about opening up to people close to you and regretting it I guess idk

 

[Ondine0000ff]

The thing is, there is always people who will never be open or won't be able to relate to this kind of subject simply because they don't know what it's like and/or don't want to know. But since it's your boyfriend, I feel like he should want or try to really listen to what you're telling him. Then idk what your boyfriend is going through, and it's also normal for him to be scared of death and you hurting yourself.

I think you should try to confront him: does he want you to open up or not. If he wants you to open up, then it will be his responsibility to react accordingly and not blame you by saying hurtful things like « how could you want to leave me ».

 

[bonkdemon]

The thing is, there is always people who will never be open or won't be able to relate to this kind of subject simply because they don't know what it's like and/or don't want to know. But since it's your boyfriend, I feel like he should want or try to really listen to what you're telling him. Then idk what your boyfriend is going through, and it's also normal for him to be scared of death and you hurting yourself.

I think you should try to confront him: does he want you to open up or not. If he wants you to open up, then it will be his responsibility to react accordingly and not blame you by saying hurtful things like « how could you want to leave me ».

Thank you so much for the advice!! I think you're absolutely right though, I should definitely confront him. I do find myself holding back a bit only because I feel as though I've had this conversation with him before. I've asked him also to be open with me and he is but at the same time I feel as though he's not??? It's quite difficult to explain lol. But yeah I can't open up if he doesn't too, ya get me? And I hate feeling like I'm taking up space by only ever talking about my issues. I just regret talking to him about these things because I think I've come to realise he's not very well equipped with comforting others or talking about difficult subjects. I know he tries his best but I think it comes from the fact that he can't really put himself in my shoes. For example tonight I was literally full on crying and trying to hold back tears and explain how I was feeling, and I know he was trying to light up the mood but DUDE YOU CAN HEAR ME SOBBING and he just goes "cutie!!". I guess in a sense I feel slightly disregarded???? I'll definitely have to talk to him irl when I see him. It just comes down to communication I guess once again thank you

 

[Ondine0000ff]

Thank you so much for the advice!! I think you're absolutely right though, I should definitely confront him. I do find myself holding back a bit only because I feel as though I've had this conversation with him before. I've asked him also to be open with me and he is but at the same time I feel as though he's not??? It's quite difficult to explain lol. But yeah I can't open up if he doesn't too, ya get me? And I hate feeling like I'm taking up space by only ever talking about my issues. I just regret talking to him about these things because I think I've come to realise he's not very well equipped with comforting others or talking about difficult subjects. I know he tries his best but I think it comes from the fact that he can't really put himself in my shoes. For example tonight I was literally full on crying and trying to hold back tears and explain how I was feeling, and I know he was trying to light up the mood but DUDE YOU CAN HEAR ME SOBBING and he just goes "cutie!!". I guess in a sense I feel slightly disregarded???? I'll definitely have to talk to him irl when I see him. It just comes down to communication I guess once again thank you

Im so sorry but cutie ?
Anyways yeah, it seems like there's trouble brewing between the two of you, but I hope it'll end well!!

 

[pole]

i don't believe you're doing anything wrong nor should you feel like you're the problem. you aren't asking for much at all.

i hate when people don't walk the talk. he says he loves you, encourages you to open up, but at the same time doesn't create that safe space allowing you to do just that. Instead, he gets overwhelmed, which is norma, but proceeds to then be dismissive and redirects the conversation back onto how he's feeling when it should be centred around you.

i believe he is well-intentioned when he tries his best to be there for you. on the other hand, much of what he says seems to simply be paying lip service. he knows what the right thing is to say and what you should tell a person in these situations. but when it comes time to put that into action and be there as support for someone you love, it becomes too much and you then become the reason for their frustrations.

the support so far has been superficially announcing that they care for you without making any real efforts to show it. that isn't a YOU problem, it's his issue.

some people ignore stuff like this, push it to the side, and keep on trekking because they don't want to address these problems. for me, it can make or break my relationship with someone.

for instance, i had a great thing going with a person i really love and care about. it was amazing, but i couldn't escape feeling invisible and unheard. i loved shouldering the weight of this persons problems, being their anchor, but i never felt an inch of that reciprocated back to me. it's a lonely feeling when the person is great, you have something going, but you feel lonely. in the end, i realized that i didn't want to feel this way anymore. this person who I genuinely loved took for granted and got too comfortable with my adoration for them and they never viewed me with the same love and care that i viewed them with.

you're right, you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to be your therapist. not everyone has the skills and makeup to deal with complex emotions and handle others problems. but again, i don't see you looking for him to be your therapist?

when you deeply love and care for someone, you will want them to feel heard and understood. whenever you open up and vent away about your problems, it seems you end up doing what he should be doing? despite wanting it, you end up being the one comforting and consoling the other person? i'm sorry but that's ridiculous and unfair.

again, you aren't asking your boyfriend to be a licensed mental health professional. you're asking for the bare minimum, for him to walk the talk and be there for you AS A BOYFRIEND. the least he can do is…. LISTEN. simply being an ear to you so you can feel…. heard and understood, not shunned and made to feel guilty for venting.

at a certain point, it may be more than just communication issues and whether this person can be there for you in a way that you need from a partner. it's tough but necessary to address.

hope it ends up working out nonetheless and you find comfort in opening up and feeling seen.