The past couple years have been feeling like one big giant gaslighting attempt from all directions.
About a year and a half ago I got laid of from my job. I was able to get employment insurance for a bit, and was being told by everyone I talked to that I'd be able to find a job in no time. My employment insurance and savings ran out, and nobody I reached out to led to a job offer in time. When I tried to explain my financial issues to my parents, my dad handed me some money and told me to use it to 'find a fucking job', the thing i had been trying to do for the past year. I decided to instead take that money and head downtown to get as drunk as I could so I could throw myself in front of a train. It ended up being to late in the night for bars to be still serving, so I ended up wandering around until the next day, when my parents had called missing persons. I decided to tell them where I was, and a police car showed up nearby, and asked me where to take me. I told them I wanted to go home and gave them my address. First mistake.
Naturally, they instead brought me to a psych ward, where I spent about 2 weeks unable to leave. I ended up staying with my parents afterwards, on a prescription of anti-psychotics, which I'm currently still taking. As an outpatient, I was told that I would be able to apply for government assistance, that I would be able to get what i needed and that everything would improve if I just gave it time and to keep my chin up, so I took their word for it, and went into their 6 week day program hoping my luck would turn. Second mistake.
I made 3 attempts to get government assistance. 1st time i was directed to a different service so there would be a lower wait time. I applied to that service instead, where i was promptly rejected, as I am currently living with my parents, which I mentioned when i was redirected. I am now on a third attempt where I re-emphasize that i have a mental disability for which i am being treated for, and I can't say I'm particularly optimistic, given that others I know from the 6 week program in similar (and in some cases worse) situations weren't able to get government assistance through the same channels. So I tried to redouble my efforts in finding a new job.
So far none of my applications have gone anywhere, save for 3 jobs which turned out to be scams, and 1 that led to an interview, followed by a rejection.
My parents, who dragged me away from my suicide with words of encouragement and hope that I would be able to build myself back up, have since soured to me, constantly reminding me how much I am burdening them and their finances, in being unable to get government assistance or work, despite me still trying to do so.
I've reached the point where I can barely trust anyone that offers any kind of hope or alternative to my original suicide plans. It seems like any hopes i get will be torn away, and that I'll be punished for even having hope in the first place. I'm not sure if these feelings are genuine, or if my medication is fucking my head up, but I've begun to feel a seriously toxic level of resentment towards my parents for keeping me from my suicide, and it makes me feel horrible. I think I'd feel better if I could get myself as far away from them and those feelings as I can, but then I'd need either government aid or income, or else just be homeless. I just want to cease to exist so I can be done with all this BS, but I can't even tell if my situation is truly hopeless, or if I'm just going insane from all the lies I've been fed since. Not even sure what to believe anymore.
About a year and a half ago I got laid of from my job. I was able to get employment insurance for a bit, and was being told by everyone I talked to that I'd be able to find a job in no time. My employment insurance and savings ran out, and nobody I reached out to led to a job offer in time. When I tried to explain my financial issues to my parents, my dad handed me some money and told me to use it to 'find a fucking job', the thing i had been trying to do for the past year. I decided to instead take that money and head downtown to get as drunk as I could so I could throw myself in front of a train. It ended up being to late in the night for bars to be still serving, so I ended up wandering around until the next day, when my parents had called missing persons. I decided to tell them where I was, and a police car showed up nearby, and asked me where to take me. I told them I wanted to go home and gave them my address. First mistake.
Naturally, they instead brought me to a psych ward, where I spent about 2 weeks unable to leave. I ended up staying with my parents afterwards, on a prescription of anti-psychotics, which I'm currently still taking. As an outpatient, I was told that I would be able to apply for government assistance, that I would be able to get what i needed and that everything would improve if I just gave it time and to keep my chin up, so I took their word for it, and went into their 6 week day program hoping my luck would turn. Second mistake.
I made 3 attempts to get government assistance. 1st time i was directed to a different service so there would be a lower wait time. I applied to that service instead, where i was promptly rejected, as I am currently living with my parents, which I mentioned when i was redirected. I am now on a third attempt where I re-emphasize that i have a mental disability for which i am being treated for, and I can't say I'm particularly optimistic, given that others I know from the 6 week program in similar (and in some cases worse) situations weren't able to get government assistance through the same channels. So I tried to redouble my efforts in finding a new job.
So far none of my applications have gone anywhere, save for 3 jobs which turned out to be scams, and 1 that led to an interview, followed by a rejection.
My parents, who dragged me away from my suicide with words of encouragement and hope that I would be able to build myself back up, have since soured to me, constantly reminding me how much I am burdening them and their finances, in being unable to get government assistance or work, despite me still trying to do so.
I've reached the point where I can barely trust anyone that offers any kind of hope or alternative to my original suicide plans. It seems like any hopes i get will be torn away, and that I'll be punished for even having hope in the first place. I'm not sure if these feelings are genuine, or if my medication is fucking my head up, but I've begun to feel a seriously toxic level of resentment towards my parents for keeping me from my suicide, and it makes me feel horrible. I think I'd feel better if I could get myself as far away from them and those feelings as I can, but then I'd need either government aid or income, or else just be homeless. I just want to cease to exist so I can be done with all this BS, but I can't even tell if my situation is truly hopeless, or if I'm just going insane from all the lies I've been fed since. Not even sure what to believe anymore.
