I have felt I should have been female since I was 15 and even before that I hated the male aspects of my body, I started hormones at 18 and am now 20 and in the process of getting surgery but am starting to feel like its all a waste.
I started transisioning before it was considered trendy, before all the "identity" nonsense started, I just wanted to be female, not to get special attention, or be "diverse".
I have always leaned to the right politically, but I am more conservative than anyone I know now and a really bad experience with disabled people being allowed to do whatever they want under the guise of "assistance" has made me believe strongly in eugenics, even against myself.
I feel I morally need to kill myself because I am a defective, that every day I continue living is one more sin or moral failing I have commited(not religious though and have always been an atheist).
My experince with the LGBT community as a whole is some of why I feel this way, there was no community, it was a group of losers whining about not being able to control everything and quizing each other on the latest SJW buzzwords.
They dident talk about trying to feel better, just about how to control others, it wasnt about drugs, surgery or needing free healthcare to transition(which should be the topics of discussion if you have a physical issue with your body), it was about forcing other people to unconditionaly "accept" them however they where, beards in the womens bathroom, removing any mention of gender from every object and form(because you cant assume anything), that they where entitled to other people likeing them, etc...
I feel I have been enroled in this cult I cant leave by no choice of my own.
There is no one saying that this is a birth defect, and anyone who does will likely lose everything when attacked by the "acceptance" mob.
My life is very lonely, no friends, no partner, the only people I talk to is my parents and they shut down the conversation every time I bring up dying and what being defective actually feels like all day.
Everyone I know just pushes the same stupid depression narative, "maybe you need medicine", they dont see if they where all alone, felt they belonged in a T4 death camp and had no ambitions for the future because of a disease they would feel the same way, medicine or not.
I am of sound mind, I dont and never have halucinated, abused drugs, been violent, had rapid mood swings without a trigger, or been unable to see what the potential outcomes of my actions.
High school sucked, ended up dropping out because of the gender stuff and never got to have a real high school expernce.
I have never had traditional ambitions(except wanting to graduate high school and learn Japanese), at 10 I wanted to write a NES ROM, at 12 I also said I would have to kill myself at 18 because I would never get a job since persistant boredom is worse than death(I have always been really open to the idea of dying), what I wanted to do was play video games all day(in hindsight this could have been because of the dysphoria)(I dont play video games much anymore).
Everyone tells me Im so smart, that I have so much to offer the world but I know I will dissapoint everyone in the end, live or die, I dont state it openly anymore but I still feel the same about dying > paid work and now have the disease on top of that.
At this point all I really care about is my computer project, I would like to finish it before I die, but care less about it every day, I do find death slightly scary and am very sad most of the time that I will probably not be able to live any part of my adult life because of what feels like a terminal illness.
The sadness I expernce from lost chances alone is bad enough I dont want to live though, I tell my parents that almost every day.
I feel I am just a burden, maybe even emotially abusive with how much they have to hear about death and there child wanting to commit suicide, but I want them to know what its like and I would like to at least be able to say goodbye without a visit from the cops.
Over all I dont regret transitioning, but would have chose suicide instead of it given the chance.
But at this point I feel its all fake, I can never be a real woman, no matter how much it hurts, I cant change my past and cant change my chromasomes.
I started transisioning before it was considered trendy, before all the "identity" nonsense started, I just wanted to be female, not to get special attention, or be "diverse".
I have always leaned to the right politically, but I am more conservative than anyone I know now and a really bad experience with disabled people being allowed to do whatever they want under the guise of "assistance" has made me believe strongly in eugenics, even against myself.
I feel I morally need to kill myself because I am a defective, that every day I continue living is one more sin or moral failing I have commited(not religious though and have always been an atheist).
My experince with the LGBT community as a whole is some of why I feel this way, there was no community, it was a group of losers whining about not being able to control everything and quizing each other on the latest SJW buzzwords.
They dident talk about trying to feel better, just about how to control others, it wasnt about drugs, surgery or needing free healthcare to transition(which should be the topics of discussion if you have a physical issue with your body), it was about forcing other people to unconditionaly "accept" them however they where, beards in the womens bathroom, removing any mention of gender from every object and form(because you cant assume anything), that they where entitled to other people likeing them, etc...
I feel I have been enroled in this cult I cant leave by no choice of my own.
There is no one saying that this is a birth defect, and anyone who does will likely lose everything when attacked by the "acceptance" mob.
My life is very lonely, no friends, no partner, the only people I talk to is my parents and they shut down the conversation every time I bring up dying and what being defective actually feels like all day.
Everyone I know just pushes the same stupid depression narative, "maybe you need medicine", they dont see if they where all alone, felt they belonged in a T4 death camp and had no ambitions for the future because of a disease they would feel the same way, medicine or not.
I am of sound mind, I dont and never have halucinated, abused drugs, been violent, had rapid mood swings without a trigger, or been unable to see what the potential outcomes of my actions.
High school sucked, ended up dropping out because of the gender stuff and never got to have a real high school expernce.
I have never had traditional ambitions(except wanting to graduate high school and learn Japanese), at 10 I wanted to write a NES ROM, at 12 I also said I would have to kill myself at 18 because I would never get a job since persistant boredom is worse than death(I have always been really open to the idea of dying), what I wanted to do was play video games all day(in hindsight this could have been because of the dysphoria)(I dont play video games much anymore).
Everyone tells me Im so smart, that I have so much to offer the world but I know I will dissapoint everyone in the end, live or die, I dont state it openly anymore but I still feel the same about dying > paid work and now have the disease on top of that.
At this point all I really care about is my computer project, I would like to finish it before I die, but care less about it every day, I do find death slightly scary and am very sad most of the time that I will probably not be able to live any part of my adult life because of what feels like a terminal illness.
The sadness I expernce from lost chances alone is bad enough I dont want to live though, I tell my parents that almost every day.
I feel I am just a burden, maybe even emotially abusive with how much they have to hear about death and there child wanting to commit suicide, but I want them to know what its like and I would like to at least be able to say goodbye without a visit from the cops.
Over all I dont regret transitioning, but would have chose suicide instead of it given the chance.
But at this point I feel its all fake, I can never be a real woman, no matter how much it hurts, I cant change my past and cant change my chromasomes.
