Konjac
Specialist
- Oct 25, 2020
- 301
Don't know if this'll be a goodbye thread but I'm really considering just leaving tonight once everyone's asleep and seeing where things take me. The past few days the suicidal thoughts have just come back full blast and I don't think I can last any longer. Usually I'd spend a while planning things out to make it effective but that's never worked out in my favour, clearly. It's not like I haven't tried to reach out for help, it's not like I haven't been giving off red flags all around. I keep trying to call the crisis lines and I'm either put on hold or fobbed off. Even if anyone did realise I feel like they wouldn't be able to stop me. I think my best friend's committed or at least attempted CTB and there's nothing I can do to reach out other than blowing up her phone. My other friend is apparently dying from cancer and if that doesn't kill him first then he'll 100% take himself out anyday now. My therapy got cancelled which feels like a sign to just give up. This all happened today.
All I want is for someone to care and say they want me around, all I fucking want is to be able to talk to someone but they all have their own shit going on and they don't need any added burden. I just bring fucking pain and misery to everyone around me, I've never contributed positively to neither society or the people I care about. Recovery seems fucking great and it's something I desperately want to get to but how can I do that when my first option is always suicide? It's all been building up since my last attempt and I didn't even realise until it was too late. I'm supposed to be doing better, I'm supposed to be inspiring everyone and spreading positive energy but it's so fucking tiring. It's so tiring constantly acting okay and laughing along to everyone when all I can think about is ending it all, I'm in such a fucking vulnerable place and it feels like one tiny thing will push me over the edge. I don't even know what state I'm in. I'm suicidal but at the same time I have so much energy and you'd think I was in a really good place if you were just talking to me normally. Sometimes I am in a good place but it lasts for a couple of hours then I'm back to feeling like shit and I feel so guilty. I always lose people when I'm depressed, they always drop me and it hurts so much and I don't want to go through that again. I learned to change my behaviour so I seem okay and am still pleasant to be around but if I survive then they;ll all find out and probably think I'm too much to handle then ghost me. I'm not too much to handle, I'm fine, i try to be fun to hang around with even if it takes up all of my energy and I sacrifice so fucking much for the people I care about. I always put myself first but I'm still so loyal to a fault, to the point where it just gets me hurt over and over again.
If I don't feel better by sunrise then I'm just gonna head out with the closest thing to a rope I can find, pour myself a few drinks, walk around the park listening to my favourite songs, message everyone I love and then just hang myself. Logically I know it is a fucking stupid decision, and I don't even want to do it but how else will I escape my thoughts? They all think I sleep constantly because I like napping but when I'm asleep is one of the only times I feel better. If I could sleep for an indefinite amount of time I would but the only way to do that is dying. Which is irreversible. I'd never be able to see the people I love again and that thought hurts. If heaven is real then I don't know if I've earned my place. I want to write all my notes now so if I do end up going through with it, then all I need to do is send them off. No wasting time, just getting straight to it before they realise I'm missing.
All I want is for someone to care and say they want me around, all I fucking want is to be able to talk to someone but they all have their own shit going on and they don't need any added burden. I just bring fucking pain and misery to everyone around me, I've never contributed positively to neither society or the people I care about. Recovery seems fucking great and it's something I desperately want to get to but how can I do that when my first option is always suicide? It's all been building up since my last attempt and I didn't even realise until it was too late. I'm supposed to be doing better, I'm supposed to be inspiring everyone and spreading positive energy but it's so fucking tiring. It's so tiring constantly acting okay and laughing along to everyone when all I can think about is ending it all, I'm in such a fucking vulnerable place and it feels like one tiny thing will push me over the edge. I don't even know what state I'm in. I'm suicidal but at the same time I have so much energy and you'd think I was in a really good place if you were just talking to me normally. Sometimes I am in a good place but it lasts for a couple of hours then I'm back to feeling like shit and I feel so guilty. I always lose people when I'm depressed, they always drop me and it hurts so much and I don't want to go through that again. I learned to change my behaviour so I seem okay and am still pleasant to be around but if I survive then they;ll all find out and probably think I'm too much to handle then ghost me. I'm not too much to handle, I'm fine, i try to be fun to hang around with even if it takes up all of my energy and I sacrifice so fucking much for the people I care about. I always put myself first but I'm still so loyal to a fault, to the point where it just gets me hurt over and over again.
If I don't feel better by sunrise then I'm just gonna head out with the closest thing to a rope I can find, pour myself a few drinks, walk around the park listening to my favourite songs, message everyone I love and then just hang myself. Logically I know it is a fucking stupid decision, and I don't even want to do it but how else will I escape my thoughts? They all think I sleep constantly because I like napping but when I'm asleep is one of the only times I feel better. If I could sleep for an indefinite amount of time I would but the only way to do that is dying. Which is irreversible. I'd never be able to see the people I love again and that thought hurts. If heaven is real then I don't know if I've earned my place. I want to write all my notes now so if I do end up going through with it, then all I need to do is send them off. No wasting time, just getting straight to it before they realise I'm missing.
