Venting Feeling hopeless. Should have just killed myself a long time ago.

[Malaria]

Pretty much what the title says. I kinda wish I had just killed myself when I was 12 or 13. I choose those ages because when I turned 14 I was sexually assaulted and have had it happen over and over again multiple times. But it's not even just that, I've gotten into so many other traumatic situations that haunt me and leave emotional scars on me. And something that happened recently sent me over the edge with my family. I don't feel comfortable saying what happened so openly but it's torn my heart into shreds. I had a breakdown and was trying to call my therapist because I'm so close to either killing myself or checking myself in to the hospital. I'm so close to a breaking point. The world is beating me up. My family had beaten me up both literally and figuratively. I'm in an awful situation that has no solution. It's hopeless. I literally haven't been happy since I was eight years old and the world is beating me up. Cycles of abuse, one after the other. One trauma right after the other. I'm only alive for my boyfriend, brother, my dogs, and some friends. But I don't want to go on. I don't want to live anymore. I'm so torn into shreds. I hate my family and resent them for all the abuse. I feel so hopeless. I just wanna die, and I should have died as a child.

 

[Helvete]

Not sure what your situation really is, but have you considered leaving and being away from your family? Possibly with your boyfriend?

 

[Malaria]

Not sure what your situation really is, but have you considered leaving and being away from your family? Possibly with your boyfriend?

I would have done it a long time ago but my boyfriend and I don't have money right now. We're working to save up so we can move in together.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

I feel the same way as you for different reasons,because of emotional issues and difficulties i have i've hurt alot of people and there was a time i was genuinely close to ending it all around 14-16 and looking back i wish I would've succeeded and saved all the pain and abuse i put many people through

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I relate to this a lot. I couldn't imagine living past age 15

 

[Helvete]

I would have done it a long time ago but my boyfriend and I don't have money right now. We're working to save up so we can move in together

Is this something you see potentially being able to do in the near future though? Especially if you two could find maybe another close friend or tow and share a condo/small apt. that way you can have space and some freedom. Rent is a bitch rn everywhere so its hard, but splitting costs with close friends is a great option that ive done once before.

 

[Malaria]

Is this something you see potentially being able to do in the near future though? Especially if you two could find maybe another close friend or tow and share a condo/small apt. that way you can have space and some freedom. Rent is a bitch rn everywhere so its hard, but splitting costs with close friends is a great option that ive done once before.

Yeah I could see it happening in the future. I want to hold on so I can live a happy life with him, I want to get married to him and grow old with him but right now I'm so traumatized because of the situation with my family. I know I'm being vague but I'm not sure if it's a good idea for me to be open about what happened.

 

[Helvete]

No need to share anything you dont want to. It sounds like getting away from your family needs to me the main goal rn, especially if you actually have a desire to get better and live a happy life with your boyfriend. In general, you need to make triple what your monthly rent payment is to qualify, so if you split a 2k/month apartment with 4 people, you would need to be making 1500/month or like 375/week to qualify. If you have one or can find a job that makes that much, it may be worth investigating as a solution, and having space would likely improve your mental state. taking a break from talking to your parents and the people that arent treating you right is key to preservation

 

[Jiyuurakka]

Yeah I could see it happening in the future. I want to hold on so I can live a happy life with him, I want to get married to him and grow old with him but right now I'm so traumatized because of the situation with my family. I know I'm being vague but I'm not sure if it's a good idea for me to be open about what happened.

No, its probably a bad idea. I wish you all the best for your dreams though, that sounds so wholesome.

 

[Malaria]

I guess I can open up a little. It's hard though, I need to be as vague as possible, but I can describe some things.

Long story short, my mother, my brother, and myself are the only family I have in this country. My father is dead but I never had a good relationship because he was abusive and violent. The rest of my family lives in Venezuela. My mom has tried to have us go there because my grandmother is dying and is on her last days. But we can't go there. We can't get a VISA to go see her. And what's worse is that my aunt is preventing anyone from being able to take care of my grandmother. She made sure my grandmother, who now seems to be going through dementia, has no contact with any of my other uncles, and doesn't allow my mother to be able to call her. There's other stuff that happened too, but I won't say because they are too delicate. But that's what's going on. My grandmother is going to die, I have no way of going to Venezuela and seeing her, and my aunt has cut off our ability to have any contact with her. My aunt has turned my family against my mother and uncle for no good reason. I am not going to be able to say goodbye to my grandma on her last days. It's possible a year will go by and I wont even know my grandmother died. Yeah...

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I wish I did it when I was 26. Three years ago. Things really went downhill fast and I wish I didn't have all those traumatic memories from the past 3 years.

 

[Helvete]

I am really sorry to hear that, and yeah a VISA will make it very hard to get down there. Do you think it would be in your best interst to go down there at all? I understand closure is nice, especially if your grandma was a big part of your life but if its not going to be possible then you may have to accept it for what it is, and maybe see if you can convice someone to let you get on a call or video chat with her.

 

[Malaria]

My mother just told me this morning I have to act like my grandmother is dead now and we have to just close this chapter of our life. I don't want to, though. I can't do this. It kills me inside knowing her last days are left with her being in the care of an abusive situation. My aunt is cutting off her being able to contact anyone. It's not fair...

I am really sorry to hear that, and yeah a VISA will make it very hard to get down there. Do you think it would be in your best interst to go down there at all? I understand closure is nice, especially if your grandma was a big part of your life but if its not going to be possible then you may have to accept it for what it is, and maybe see if you can convice someone to let you get on a call or video chat with her.

I can't call her. There is no way to. My aunt has taken full control of the situation and has cut off any chance for people to be in contact with her.

 

[Linda]

Is there any way you can use a trusted person you know in Venezuela to get a message to your grandmother? That would not be as good as being there with her, but it would at least tell her that you care.

 

[Malaria]

Is there any way you can use a trusted person you know in Venezuela to get a message to your grandmother? That would not be as good as being there with her, but it would at least tell her that you care.

No, there isn't. My aunt has cut off all ways to contact my grandmother. There really is nothing we can do. And what's worse is that my aunt is taking advantage of the fact that my grandmother is not in her right mind, I'm pretty sure my grandmother has dementia.

 

[Linda]

No, there isn't. My aunt has cut off all ways to contact my grandmother. There really is nothing we can do. And what's worse is that my aunt is taking advantage of the fact that my grandmother is not in her right mind, I'm pretty sure my grandmother has dementia.

Then perhaps your mother is right. You may have no choice but to act as though your grandmother is dead. I know that's a hard thing to do, but I can't see a workable alternative.
If your grandmother's dementia is bad, she might not recognise you even if you were there for her. That's what happened with my husband's mother near the end. She could no longer recognise most people. She had no idea who I was, even though I had been on very good terms with her.
How much support is your boyfriend? How much does he know?

 

[Malaria]

Then perhaps your mother is right. You may have no choice but to act as though your grandmother is dead. I know that's a hard thing to do, but I can't see a workable alternative.
If your grandmother's dementia is bad, she might not recognise you even if you were there for her. That's what happened with my husband's mother near the end. She could no longer recognise most people. She had no idea who I was, even though I had been on very good terms with her.
How much support is your boyfriend? How much does he know?

My boyfriend is trying the best he can to support me. He knows plenty, even stuff I haven't said on here.

The thing I'm also worried about is that my grandmother is going to also be neglected in various ways. It's happened before. My grandmother once nearly died due to infections and dehydration because she wasn't being taken care of like she was supposed to. My uncle was always being there for her when he could, but my aunt has made sure he can't now. And it may get worse now that my aunt is in charge of her. My aunt has a tendency to be manipulative and might use my grandmother's dementia/history of having strokes as a way to fill her head with lies. Everything is so uncertain and we don't know what will happen.

 

[Linda]

My boyfriend is trying the best he can ti support me. He knows plenty, even stuff I haven't said on here.

The thing I'm also worried about is that my grandmother is going to also be neglected in various ways. It's happened before. My grandmother once nearly died due to infections and dehydration because she wasn't being taken care of like she was supposed to. My uncle was always being there for her when he could, but my aunt has made sure he can't now. And it may get worse now that my aunt is in charge of her. Everything is so uncertain and we don't know what will happen.

I think you have to make a hard decision here. Try to put your grandmother out of your mind. Try to act as though she no longer exists. You can't do anything for her, and worrying about her is going to harm you. I don't think she would want you to do that.
I wouldn't want somebody worrying about me if they could do nothing for me and the worrying was going to harm them.
(If circumstances change, and it becomes possible to contact her, then of course you can start looking again for ways to support her. But it sounds as though the chance of that happening is very small.)

 

[Malaria]

I think you have to make a hard decision here. Try to put your grandmother out of your mind. Try to act as though she no longer exists. You can't do anything for her, and worrying about her is going to harm you. I don't think she would want you to do that.
I wouldn't want somebody worrying about me if they could do nothing for me and the worrying was going to harm them.
(If circumstances change, and it becomes possible to contact her, then of course you can start looking again for ways to support her. But it sounds as though the chance of that happening is very small.)

Alright. I'll keep that in mind. In the meantime I'm going to try to keep living and not kill myself even though I want to.