feeling euphoric about it

[violetforever]

its so strange and reassuring and fascinating. on the way home from school i was deep in thought about how i am so accepting of leaving all of the world behind. when i got home i rushed to my room and looked in the mirror to take a good look at myself. it makes no sense but i think i am just the right amount of happy with how i look and that im pretty enough to die. when everything feels as perfect as it will get do you ever just think "if i died right now that would be heavenly"? and just as quickly i grabbed my pathetic robe tie and tightened it hard around my neck. im definitely buying a real rope as soon as i post this. if i already had a rope and had the technique down id be gone. i really wish i could just do it now. im in the best mindset to do it. i hope this feeling lasts until im able to. i wish i could run out to the train tracks and lay but sadly the train doesnt come at this time plus i need to avoid unusual behavior so no one suspects anything. im crying tears of happiness. ive never felt so happy. its really possible.
i actually think ill be able to hang myself easily in my closet. it might have to be partial though. i just tested it out a little. my hope is in how little i weigh. the real efficiency ill see once my rope arrives. i dont care im just so happy theres a possibility.

 

[ShadowOfASelf]

I empathize with this post a lot. When you just get that moment where it all makes sense and you know you can do it and this is what you want, everything calms down, you know an end is coming to the pain. But the problem is sometimes those moments don't line up with when you have everything in place and then when you do, you don't feel it 120% anymore and then fear and doubt take over :/

 

[violetforever]

I empathize with this post a lot. When you just get that moment where it all makes sense and you know you can do it and this is what you want, everything calms down, you know an end is coming to the pain. But the problem is sometimes those moments don't line up with when you have everything in place and then when you do, you don't feel it 120% anymore and then fear and doubt take over :/

oh exactly lol. i havent felt extremely sure about ctb as i did the day i posted this thread. i just didnt have a rope yet.