Hi all,
I've written a couple posts this past year about how I am trying to recover from wanting to CTB.
But for the past 6 months I've struggled a lot, felt like there's no point and felt very lonely and abandoned. My PTSD has been hard to deal with. I had to stop contact with most people I know just to try and minimize the amount of flashbacks and bad nightmares I was dealing with, to try and survive and make life somewhat liveable. Since most people who know me are aware that I struggle with suicidal thoughts and attempts, a few reached out asking if I'm still alive during these past couple weeks.
I've finally been able to retire. I've applied for a couple of mortages from my banks so that I can buy a suitable house. I am debt-free. But I feel overwhelmed with stress and I feel empty still. I don't have to worry about finances or about where to live or about randomly becoming homeless due to others decisions again or renting bad apartments. For the first time in my life I will be free and I have regained my full independance again. I can move away from the people who hurt and harass me, who actively try to push me to CTB. I won't have to deal with them ever again.
I had given up on the idea of retiring and of getting a house throughout these past 6 months. I have so much bad luck that I thought it wouldn't happen, regardless of how hard I've worked towards this for the past 3 years. I felt like I'd end up CTBing and that there was no hope for any improvement of my life. I think because of all of this, I am struggling to accept or take in that I really did just retire and that I really am applying for a mortage and that I am getting a house. It feels surreal and like it's not happening, even thought it is.
I have to find and buy a house within the next 3 months, as I've cancelled my apartment and I want to move as soon as possible to improve my life further and get away from all the negative influences in my life. I might be stressed about the short time period I have for that.
I also contacted my dad by email which has definantly worsened my PTSD a bit. I feel a lot of discomfort regarding it, but I also feel like I don't have any other choices right now but to email him. He knows everything about retirement, mortages, houses, etc. The rest of my family is clueless about these topics and are currently the most abusive people in my life. It's difficult for me to have to ask my dad for advice when I haven't had a conversation with him since I was 11 years old. It's also difficult since he's still married to the woman who sexually abused me and who's son also sexually abused me, who lives with them sometimes. He still protects them after all these years which hurts.
When I emailed him and asked him for advice on housing, I also for the first time wrote to him about all the abuse my mom has put me through since I was 11 and up until now. I told him how much money she's taken from me through threats and manipulation. I told him how she'd tell me that I have nothing and nobody, and how I'm a waste of people's time, and that nobody loves me or cares about me. He said he'd help me out with some financial stuff, such as a new private ankle surgery since I need to remove more screws and a metal plate from my ankle which the public health care sector refuse to do or fix, since they performed the malpractice on me. I no longer have to worry about paying for another one of these ankle surgeries then which is a relief. He also told me he'd help me out with a deposit if I ever want to rent again elsewhere until I buy a house. It feels like I'm kind of getting some sort of financial compensation for all the pain and abuse I've gone through due to my parents. But I still feel the same pain and worse PTSD wise after this interaction.
I just sent a formal complaint yesterday regarding the malpractice that was done on my ankle. I can get financial compensation if the people who judge my complaint to be valid. I have several statements from doctors and lawyers who have told me that it was malpractice and to file a complaint, I just never had the mental strenght to do it earlier.
I got a few more emails from my dad last week, but I feel paralyzed, drained mentally and very uncomfortable. So I have not been able to reply yet. I've been having horrible nightmares every night since the email correspondance started and a lot of stress. I'm not able to relax and I struggle to sleep now, even with my sleep meds. I feel very tense.
I hope I can feel better eventually, but for now I feel more stressed out and as empty as I did before. I still feel like life is purposeless for me and a lot of pain mentally. I'm so tierd of struggling and having to work hard through everything in my life, I'm tierd of all the flashbacks and uncomfortable memories. I'm tierd of worrying all the time about everything. I wish I could feel better and happy about how things are going, but I don't. I have a hard time grasping what's going on, probably until I actually see and experience that things are really improving in a significant way. I might also be feeling extra stress over the mortage situation. The idea of putting myself into debt by taking a mortage, which is a huge sum of money, is hard to think about. I try to think of the upsides of having a reliable stable place of your own and of having a mortage, but it's still challenging to look away from the debt part of it. I worry about making a bad choice or a poor investment.
I'm not sure if I'll be double taxed on my first retirement withdrawal later this month or not, the tax office didn't inform me on it yet. If I don't get double taxed, I'll try to treat myself to some positive experiences. I have a difficult relationship when it comes to money. I'm very anxious and scared of using it in general, if I want to spend it on something, I'll spend weeks or a month on reflecting upon if I should really buy or pay for something I want or not. I'm not able to be spontanious or random, it causes a lot of stress and anxiety. But I might push myself this once just to give myself some good memories and hopefully a couple good times. I'd like to go swimming, go to an art museum and a nice restaurant if I'm able to and if I can relax. It sucks that I cannot plan this month just because I don't know for sure if I'll be double taxed or not.
I should feel happy and filled with joy, but I just don't. When I got all these good news, I just felt empty and suicidal still. It felt as if all my old worries got replaced with new worries. I can't really do much right now but wait. Wait on the mortage approval, wait to see if I get dual taxed, wait to see if I can have a good experience this month, wait to be able to get away from all the negative people and influences in my life. Wait to see a possible significant positive change once I can move. Maybe then I can stop feeling suicidal and drained. Maybe I can relax and feel free.
I've written a couple posts this past year about how I am trying to recover from wanting to CTB.
But for the past 6 months I've struggled a lot, felt like there's no point and felt very lonely and abandoned. My PTSD has been hard to deal with. I had to stop contact with most people I know just to try and minimize the amount of flashbacks and bad nightmares I was dealing with, to try and survive and make life somewhat liveable. Since most people who know me are aware that I struggle with suicidal thoughts and attempts, a few reached out asking if I'm still alive during these past couple weeks.
I've finally been able to retire. I've applied for a couple of mortages from my banks so that I can buy a suitable house. I am debt-free. But I feel overwhelmed with stress and I feel empty still. I don't have to worry about finances or about where to live or about randomly becoming homeless due to others decisions again or renting bad apartments. For the first time in my life I will be free and I have regained my full independance again. I can move away from the people who hurt and harass me, who actively try to push me to CTB. I won't have to deal with them ever again.
I had given up on the idea of retiring and of getting a house throughout these past 6 months. I have so much bad luck that I thought it wouldn't happen, regardless of how hard I've worked towards this for the past 3 years. I felt like I'd end up CTBing and that there was no hope for any improvement of my life. I think because of all of this, I am struggling to accept or take in that I really did just retire and that I really am applying for a mortage and that I am getting a house. It feels surreal and like it's not happening, even thought it is.
I have to find and buy a house within the next 3 months, as I've cancelled my apartment and I want to move as soon as possible to improve my life further and get away from all the negative influences in my life. I might be stressed about the short time period I have for that.
I also contacted my dad by email which has definantly worsened my PTSD a bit. I feel a lot of discomfort regarding it, but I also feel like I don't have any other choices right now but to email him. He knows everything about retirement, mortages, houses, etc. The rest of my family is clueless about these topics and are currently the most abusive people in my life. It's difficult for me to have to ask my dad for advice when I haven't had a conversation with him since I was 11 years old. It's also difficult since he's still married to the woman who sexually abused me and who's son also sexually abused me, who lives with them sometimes. He still protects them after all these years which hurts.
When I emailed him and asked him for advice on housing, I also for the first time wrote to him about all the abuse my mom has put me through since I was 11 and up until now. I told him how much money she's taken from me through threats and manipulation. I told him how she'd tell me that I have nothing and nobody, and how I'm a waste of people's time, and that nobody loves me or cares about me. He said he'd help me out with some financial stuff, such as a new private ankle surgery since I need to remove more screws and a metal plate from my ankle which the public health care sector refuse to do or fix, since they performed the malpractice on me. I no longer have to worry about paying for another one of these ankle surgeries then which is a relief. He also told me he'd help me out with a deposit if I ever want to rent again elsewhere until I buy a house. It feels like I'm kind of getting some sort of financial compensation for all the pain and abuse I've gone through due to my parents. But I still feel the same pain and worse PTSD wise after this interaction.
I just sent a formal complaint yesterday regarding the malpractice that was done on my ankle. I can get financial compensation if the people who judge my complaint to be valid. I have several statements from doctors and lawyers who have told me that it was malpractice and to file a complaint, I just never had the mental strenght to do it earlier.
I got a few more emails from my dad last week, but I feel paralyzed, drained mentally and very uncomfortable. So I have not been able to reply yet. I've been having horrible nightmares every night since the email correspondance started and a lot of stress. I'm not able to relax and I struggle to sleep now, even with my sleep meds. I feel very tense.
I hope I can feel better eventually, but for now I feel more stressed out and as empty as I did before. I still feel like life is purposeless for me and a lot of pain mentally. I'm so tierd of struggling and having to work hard through everything in my life, I'm tierd of all the flashbacks and uncomfortable memories. I'm tierd of worrying all the time about everything. I wish I could feel better and happy about how things are going, but I don't. I have a hard time grasping what's going on, probably until I actually see and experience that things are really improving in a significant way. I might also be feeling extra stress over the mortage situation. The idea of putting myself into debt by taking a mortage, which is a huge sum of money, is hard to think about. I try to think of the upsides of having a reliable stable place of your own and of having a mortage, but it's still challenging to look away from the debt part of it. I worry about making a bad choice or a poor investment.
I'm not sure if I'll be double taxed on my first retirement withdrawal later this month or not, the tax office didn't inform me on it yet. If I don't get double taxed, I'll try to treat myself to some positive experiences. I have a difficult relationship when it comes to money. I'm very anxious and scared of using it in general, if I want to spend it on something, I'll spend weeks or a month on reflecting upon if I should really buy or pay for something I want or not. I'm not able to be spontanious or random, it causes a lot of stress and anxiety. But I might push myself this once just to give myself some good memories and hopefully a couple good times. I'd like to go swimming, go to an art museum and a nice restaurant if I'm able to and if I can relax. It sucks that I cannot plan this month just because I don't know for sure if I'll be double taxed or not.
I should feel happy and filled with joy, but I just don't. When I got all these good news, I just felt empty and suicidal still. It felt as if all my old worries got replaced with new worries. I can't really do much right now but wait. Wait on the mortage approval, wait to see if I get dual taxed, wait to see if I can have a good experience this month, wait to be able to get away from all the negative people and influences in my life. Wait to see a possible significant positive change once I can move. Maybe then I can stop feeling suicidal and drained. Maybe I can relax and feel free.
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