Feeling empty and lost after friend ctb...

[GhostPiano]

Hello guys. First time posting here after lurking for a bit. Just thought this might be the right place to vent.

A very good childhood friend of mine ctb back in April and I have not been the same ever since. He left a note saying he only wanted peace and no one could have stopped him. I understand why he did it. Ive felt how he did before.

I guess I am just feeling empty and lost because I know I will never get closure. No parting words or anything. His family has essentially deleted every trace of him from the internet. So all I have left is the few pictures and all the memories I have and his final note that his mom sent me before she too either blocked me or deleted her own social media.

Its a weird dark feeling. I have been scrambling for closure looking for any trace of him I can find. I have OCD and it consumes my thoughts often. I wish I could just get over it and move on as he requested in his note. But all the questions unanswered drive me crazy.

I wish he would have said something so I could have at least said goodbye. Or I wish his family would have had a funeral or simply not erased all the traces of him. I don't think many others in my life understand. Its not like normal grief because I have felt that many times. I fear all these questions and the uncertainty surrounding his death are driving me crazy. Its like a swarm of bees on adderall in my brain. Hopefully the feeling will pass.

 

[Nightfoot]

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, between the grief, lack of closure and all the unanswered questions. I wish I had words to help, but I would say hold onto hope that time will soften the pain. It sounds as though your friend was in a lot of pain to make such a choice. Maybe the fact that he is no longer suffering can be of some comfort. I hope the feeling that you're carrying passes, also.

 

[GhostPiano]

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, between the grief, lack of closure and all the unanswered questions. I wish I had words to help, but I would say hold onto hope that time will soften the pain. It sounds as though your friend was in a lot of pain to make such a choice. Maybe the fact that he is no longer suffering can be of some comfort. I hope the feeling that you're carrying passes, also.

Thank you, it does actually bring me comfort to know he is no longer suffering. This was one of many attempts and he did often express to me throughout our childhood that no matter how good things were and how good his life was he just never felt truly happy. It was like a dark cloud followed him no matter what.

So I definitely understand his choice and to be honest especially after all the treatments he tried over the years to get better, I feel like he did everything he could and was probably just tired. I think the main cause of the feeling is that there was no funeral and that his family deleted everything about him off the internet. I still have our years of messages so that it something at least.

Just feels like people are trying to erase him like he was never here even if that is not the intent. I think thats also part of why my brain cant let it go because no one will talk about it, they erased everything from him basically, and I don't even know how he died or anything. Thats a big thing for me because if I dont have the facts about something its like I cant let it go until I find the facts.

Hopefully time will help this pass as it is unlikely I will get any more answers. I appreciate your comment!