Discussion Feeling calmer coming closer to the end?

[dreamsofdestruction]

Positive mood change. Just before a suicide attempt, when the individual has made the decision to kill herself, she may appear much calmer, happier and more relaxed. That's because she is no longer in turmoil. Suicide seems like the "perfect solution." As one survivor remembers: "Got in the car, elated, very happy because I was going to end the pain. I'm going to end the pain. I was going to go the bridge and I was going to jump." Often, family and friends become less worried about the person at risk. It is important to notice these mood shifts and not to be fooled by them.

From Suicide: The Warning Signs

I've read about that often. Has anyone actually ever felt that? Or perhaps just shortly before attempting to take your life?

I think I'm just feeling worse the closer I get and the breakdowns are getting more frequent and more severe too.

 

[SinisterKid]

Yes, definitely. Woke up, and was calmer than I had been for a long time. Subconsciously, I must have made the decision, somehow, that today was the day. I did what I had to do and was calm and relaxed throughout. I died listening to my favourite music. The crisis team guy arrived, could not get a answer, rang my partner who came home from work and they found me where I lay.

I had clarity of thought, a calmness about me, and just remember feeling so relieved that it was all going to be over soon. The end to my own pain was all I wanted and it was finally going to happen. So, yes, I totally relate to that excerpt.

 

[Faraway1990]

From Suicide: The Warning Signs

I've read about that often. Has anyone actually ever felt that? Or perhaps just shortly before attempting to take your life?

I think I'm just feeling worse the closer I get and the breakdowns are getting more frequent and more severe too.

I can relate as far as things like my stupid rent arrears, council tax etc etc Dont phase me really because I've decided CTB is my chosen exit from this reality but I have become less patient with some people. Lol

 

[Dartz]

Peace through the knowledge of certain inevitability for me. A date to draw it together wraps it all up in a nice bow of calmness.

 

[Meretlein]

I felt calmer after realizing a peaceful ctb was possible.

 

[LongTimeComing]

The day I attempted was so lovely. I did all of my favorite things, took a late night drive with my father with the windows down and some nostalgic music. I felt so calm as I said my goodbyes to the world.

 

[TimeToDie]

I'm not feeling calm, so does that mean that the end is still a distant event or am I just an oddity who can't even be calm in his final days? I also read that the conventional wisdom is that suicide is typically impulsive with folks just grabbing a loaded gun and randomly shooting themselves anywhere after having suicidal thoughts for all of 5 minutes. And then they're absolutely thrilled to be alive after that .22 to the abdomen predictably fails to kill them.

 

[ZomGuy]

I feel like shit all the time. Before an attempt it gets even worse. I think that's because I've always been skeptical that I will succeed because that would be too good to be true. So yeah, I guess it's different for everyone.

 

[Sailfisher]

I found relief knowing it was possible to check out anytime.

 

[19andready]

I might be the odd one out here, but during my previous ctb attempts I actually experienced exhilaration and euphoria, almost akin to riding a rollercoaster or orgasming. It's actually been a detriment to me completing the act because the feeling is so contrary to what I normally feel all day.

 

[not_a_robot]

From Suicide: The Warning Signs

I've read about that often. Has anyone actually ever felt that? Or perhaps just shortly before attempting to take your life?

I think I'm just feeling worse the closer I get and the breakdowns are getting more frequent and more severe too.

Many suicide documentaries report it from the people left behind. Even the family of Kakabushi said she seemed better in the past two months, and implied that this site caused her to backslide after getting better, but when I read that I immediately recognized it as the common calm-before-the storm that many loved ones report before a suicide.
Also people act calmer and pretend to get well because they want the people around them to stop monitoring them for suicidal behavior. Like, not wanting their mom barging into their room to check on them every couple hours...

 

[TimeToDie]

Also people act calmer and pretend to get well because they want the people around them to stop monitoring them for suicidal behavior. Like, not wanting their mom barging into their room to check on them every couple hours...

Or perhaps they shut the hell up about suicide since no normal person wants to hear their friend talk about how they spent literally the entire day, every single day, laying in bed thinking about death or spent their waking hours on a suicide forum reading what other suicidal folks wrote about suicide and every spare moment looking up how rich, famous, or infamous persons offed themselves. For example, I learned how in one German city as the Nazis feel there were 10,000 suicides in a single month. Isn't learning about history fun!?!

I assume my friend fully believes that my suicidal thoughts magically disappeared way back in April since I haven't talked about it since. After all, suicidal thoughts are quite common, and she admits that she too has had them. Though since she's a normal person her thoughts are likely limited to "gee, I'm unhappy and I wish I weren't alive," a thought that occurs for a few moments in a day and then is entirely forgotten within a few days. I seriously doubt that she could ever imagine such thoughts literally existing every single minute of every single day for going on 4 months now. Until 2019 I'd never experienced anything even close to this hell, and I would never have imagined this level of suicidal ideation was even possible.

 

[Livinginhell]

Yes, I feel at ease and with peace at my decision to ctb even though deep down I know I'm more likely to mess it up and survive. I self harm quite regularly but this also reduces once I've made my mind up and get closer to the day.

 

[TimeToDie]

Yes, I feel at ease and with peace at my decision to ctb even though deep down I know I'm more likely to mess it up and survive. I self harm quite regularly but this also reduces once I've made my mind up and get closer to the day.

I wonder if this calm depends on the particular method that you're going to use? Perhaps this calm is more common with a method where the possibility of failure is a viable option? For example, one can stop a hanging in progress if that rope turns out to be uncomfortable. You can't stop a shooting in progress once the trigger is pulled which makes one exceptionally hesitant to put a finger on the trigger.

 

[dandan]

Yeah, calmer, I've trying to live and making things happen , took a quick nap and realize it's bullshit and I still feel like living and catching the bus at the same time, like pushing myself to enjoy what's left of life.

I don't understand I'm confused , I'm not smoking weed but I might tonight or tomorrow because Damm I thought I was going to live but now I'm feeling like yeah LIVE , enjoy , and ctb too .

I'm glad I could do it tonight if I wanted, some days ago I woke up at 4am and felt relieved I got my N in the fridge it would be wonderful to drink it improv style, even when happy (cause I'm never really happy but happy at my level).

People can say I'm kind, social person, but I got good at pretending and faking it, I look happy even when fantasazing about harming a special someone making his life hell.

At the moment I'm relaxed, and I can say I , on my current frame of mind I don't want anything more out of life, I don't care about money, health or such, Im just going to try to enjoy , my and my mom's birthday is soon and maybe catch the bus this very year too.

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

Absolutely yes. I am positively zen-like compared to my normal state now that I know I have a way out, a way of limiting my suffering, that my worst case is basically "get dizzy and a bit nauseous, then sleep and never wake up." Ironically, I'm calmer than I've been in years.

 

[thedutchguy]

Since I made up my mind on CTB. I'm much more looking forward to my dates I choose. Much more focus on doing some last things. Thinking about a map for relatives for the cremation and funeral wishes. Did know if got a life insurance so my sister and my little brother niece and nephews all got a decent amount of money $ on my dead. To help them out for a better future. Makes me give more money on for hand I can make all my tax and a little dept money and savings into a little traveling in the last year. It will be covered in insurance payout. So slowly moving towards the end and it gives me a state of peacefulness and rest knowing it all comes to a end relative quickly.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

I remember that, before my failed ctb attempt, I was crying a lot while taking all the meds and cursing my stupid life and my fathers, but when I went to bed (I planned everything to die while asleep), all those feelings of despair and hatred seemed to fade away and were replaced by just melancholy and tiredness, as if I was starting to accept that there was no other way, and I slept incredibly easy during that night. I wasn't happy, but I definitely wasn't terrified. If death indeed had come that day, I would welcome it with open arms. It was... Quite interesting, as if I went through all the stages of grief and reached acceptance at last. That didn't last long, however, as I woke up on the other day and my pain resumed.

 

[dandan]

Since I made up my mind on CTB. I'm much more looking forward to my dates I choose. Much more focus on doing some last things. Thinking about a map for relatives for the cremation and funeral wishes. Did know if got a life insurance so my sister and my little brother niece and nephews all got a decent amount of money $ on my dead. To help them out for a better future. Makes me give more money on for hand I can make all my tax and a little dept money and savings into a little traveling in the last year. It will be covered in insurance payout. So slowly moving towards the end and it gives me a state of peacefulness and rest knowing it all comes to a end relative quickly.

Insurance cover suicide? Or will you accidentally have some one bump you on the subway lines??

 

[Weems]

Not really. The more I give up, the more chaotic my consciousness becomes. It's like static as you drive out of range of a radio station.

 

[Roger]

Or perhaps they shut the hell up about suicide since no normal person wants to hear their friend talk about how they spent literally the entire day, every single day, laying in bed thinking about death or spent their waking hours on a suicide forum reading what other suicidal folks wrote about suicide and every spare moment looking up how rich, famous, or infamous persons offed themselves. For example, I learned how in one German city as the Nazis feel there were 10,000 suicides in a single month. Isn't learning about history fun!?!

I assume my friend fully believes that my suicidal thoughts magically disappeared way back in April since I haven't talked about it since. After all, suicidal thoughts are quite common, and she admits that she too has had them. Though since she's a normal person her thoughts are likely limited to "gee, I'm unhappy and I wish I weren't alive," a thought that occurs for a few moments in a day and then is entirely forgotten within a few days. I seriously doubt that she could ever imagine such thoughts literally existing every single minute of every single day for going on 4 months now. Until 2019 I'd never experienced anything even close to this hell, and I would never have imagined this level of suicidal ideation was even possible.

That expresses my thoughts and state of mind precisely.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Or perhaps they shut the hell up about suicide since no normal person wants to hear their friend talk about how they spent literally the entire day, every single day, laying in bed thinking about death or spent their waking hours on a suicide forum reading

Actually I think I'd want to hear it if a friend is in that situation.

 

[thedutchguy]

Insurance cover suicide? Or will you accidentally have some one bump you on the subway lines??

Even i commit suicide they will pay out. There is a clausule from a 2 year no pay on suicide ever they do. Insurance dates back to 2010. So more then enough on the 2 years wait.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Even i commit suicide they will pay out. There is a clausule from a 2 year no pay on suicide ever they do. Insurance dates back to 2010. So more then enough on the 2 years wait.

Oh wow, I actually didn't even consider my life insurance. It still has the wrong person as the beneficiary in it and I need to change that. Thanks for accidentally reminding me.

And yeah, they pay in cases of suicide, that's nothing unusual.

 

[thedutchguy]

Oh wow, I actually didn't even consider my life insurance. It still has the wrong person as the beneficiary in it and I need to change that. Thanks for accidentally reminding me.

And yeah, they pay in cases of suicide, that's nothing unusual.

I myself had totally forgotten i had one too. My ex was beneficiary so change that to bother sisters niece and nephews. Happy she ain't closed it off in the divorce and after now my CTB brings someone a small positive note :)

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Insurance cover suicide? Or will you accidentally have some one bump you on the subway lines??

Every insurance company will deny death benefits for suicide within 2 years of obtaining the policy. Once 2 years pass... game on

 

[RhapsodyinBerserk]

At times I sorta do…then I think holy shit I don't want to die I still want to somehow live and rinse and repeat.

 

[heavyeyes]

I know this is an old thread but yes. These days I've felt slightly more calm. However the desperation to die still gets the best of me sometimes because I still have to wait a while before I ctb. I feel trapped. It starts as a really bad anxious feeling and if I don't try to calm myself it turns in to a full blown panic attack.