Feeling Alienated

[deathbyginger]

Hey everyone, it's been awhile.

I just came to share, because I can't shake my thoughts making me suicidal. I feel alienated from society as a whole. I'm not and never have been close with my family growing up. I don't really have friends, maybe surface friendships at work or school, but social time never comes outside of obligated interactions. I struggle to relate to people. I am uncultured. An absent hereditary childhood manifested as a lack of interests and social/cultural awareness. I don't really know what to talk about. I wish that I could belong better. I used to have friends but everyone has moved on as I moved into adulthood. I can't help but to feel alienated from society.

The truth is that I don't want to die, sometimes I believe that life could be eventually good for me. I often catch myself dreaming of a future where I didn't stand as an outlier. Sometimes, I question if I am to blame. That it may just be my lived view, not my lived reality. Perhaps it could be my neurobiology; depression, addiction or autism could be to blame. All I know is that I'm hopeless for change.

I want to die but I don't have the balls to do it. I mean shit, if I could kill myself, I would've been gone a couple years ago before things got worse. I'm failing to cope but I know I'm too pussy to commit. I come back to this site at least every two weeks, caught in a cycle.

I feel dead, and I'm not even dead yet. What is the point.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

You seem unsure of yourself. First, you say the truth is, you don't want to die. But next paragraph you say, you want to die, but don't have the balls to do it. Which one really is it? If it truly is the former, then fully commit to working on yourself, exploring hobbies, interests, looking for groups who are possibly into the same things, for starters.

If it's the latter, then I'm sorry you're at this point in life. But killing yourself requires courage, something we can't give you

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Hey @deathbyginger , I'm sorry for the reasons you found your way back here :( It is difficult to keep friends. Easy to make, hard to hold on to :(

I think culture can be what you make of it. Like not everything has to be about the popular movies and things. The world is so much more than what you see on TV and in the store!

I relate to everything you say very much. The conflict of going back and forth. Even deep down! If I could have love…what I truly want…I could live. But I also suffer existentially sometimes and will wish I never existed. I think ultimately I would choose existence if my conditions were realistic.

Feeling dead but not dead yet is a brilliant way to put it. Just floating around sorta.

I hope things can improve for you. I dont think youre to blame. At least not alone. This whole world is interconnected. We all share in the rewards of our success and the guilt of our failures. I hope that helps a little :)

<3

 

[piger]

I've been dealing with that shit my whole life. People like us weren't meant for this shithole society. Everyone living in blissful ignorance but laughing at us. Constant cycles of insanity. Don't go down on false hope for the future. You gotta be the one to make it happen. Use that hope as a drive. You're not gonna wake up and magically find that drive one day, but you gotta keep going until you find people like you to at least cope with it or be so much more, because you'll never not be an outlier. You may be hopeless of change, but overtime however I think you may come to find what you're looking for; what you're supposed to do here, and may be glad that you are who you are.

If you've truly really got nothing left, and believe you will never gain anything, then make sure you're sure about it. Not having courage to do that means that once you get it you'll be making a fatal mistake on impulse.

 

[demuic]

I just came to share, because I can't shake my thoughts making me suicidal. I feel alienated from society as a whole. I'm not and never have been close with my family growing up. I don't really have friends, maybe surface friendships at work or school, but social time never comes outside of obligated interactions. I struggle to relate to people. I am uncultured. An absent hereditary childhood manifested as a lack of interests and social/cultural awareness. I don't really know what to talk about. I wish that I could belong better. I used to have friends but everyone has moved on as I moved into adulthood. I can't help but to feel alienated from society.

I have a very similar experience.

Unfortunately for me it's too late for anything to be fixed. I was doomed from the start and there is nothing to be done about it.

But you say you don't want to die in truth. If that is the case then you should find a reason to live. Commit to life and find something that makes you want to truly keep on living, and not just avoid death. Some people may need a purpose or a cause. A hobby, a lifestyle. True friends. Whatever it could be, exhaust all your options if you still have hope.

That is only my opinion. I can only say what I think based on this post. Only you can know whether things are hopeless for you or if there are changes that are within your power to do that would make you want to live.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that feelings of isolation can be painful for many people, in my case I have always struggled to connect and relate to others, but for me I do not like being around people anyway. Suicide is very difficult after all, I think if it was easier I would be already gone. I'm sorry you are in this position, I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling being unable to live the life you want. I wish you the best whatever happens.