Venting Feeling a very depressing emotion I’m not sure I can describe

[Lovelesss]

I'm currently feeling a very specific emotion I'm not sure there's a good name for. It's not just sadness, but a particular kind of sadness/hopelessness.

It could be described like this: you know how some people who had easier say that they felt suicidal at one point on their lives but now that they're older, they grateful not to have gone through with it? Like, them saying to you condescendingly "I wanted to kill myself but now I have a great wife and a wonderful life so don't worry, it gets easier as you grow older". Something like that. Well, I'm currently feeling the emotion where I can only say that the younger version of me was right. I should've killed myself. That one time when I wanted to jump off a bridge and was finally ready to commit, I shouldn't have let myself think maybe that guy saying this is right. Nothing got better. It didn't get easier. It only got worse and worse and worse and it's heading toward being even worse. That emotion of realizing how right you were to want to kill yourself and feeling stupid for letting convincing yourself that maybe it could be better, I guess that's that emotion. Not sure what to call it, probably a form of disillusionment. All I know is it hurts a lot more and leaves me with a deep hole in my chest I don't think can be put into words for someone who hasn't felt it.

Hoping this time I don't make the same mistake and I pull through

 

[J&L383]

I think you did a very good job of putting it into words. Everyone has a unique experience but I can relate to yours. I don't think it gets better, necessarily, and in my experience it hasn't. things always change and are in flux: maybe it gets better, maybe it gets worse, maybe it stays the same. I haven't figured out with certainty any kind of predictability, other than to say it's predictably unpredictable.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I guess the word "jaded" comes to mind. For me, yes I've done things I obviously wouldn't have done if I had been dead, but nothing that makes me glad I wasn't dead.

 

[SecretDissociation]

I don't if there is a word for that, but the closest I can think of is regret. That's how I identify it anyway. I regret not killing myself and attempting to kill myself when I was younger and when the chances of success were higher. I too don't know why i chose to believe people that said it would get better and told me that going into higher education and work and meeting new people would change my life and this depression. Now i'm just filled with regret.

And I know that if I keep living, future me will regret living too and say why didn't I die earlier.