Venting fear of the future

[lament.]

When I signed up to this site I told myself I wasn't going to make posts that were solely vents but that went out the window fast cause im honestly crying typing this and I know I have nobody I can possibly say any of this to.

I just had a talk with my mum about my future, in particular my finances and stuff and how she was talking with my dad saying they were looking into setting up a pension for me so that when I'm older I will be able to survive. The entire time I was trying so hard not to cry because in my head all I was thinking about was the fact that I never want to live that long, let alone live at all. I know for a fact there's no possible way I am surviving until the age where I can get a pension. I feel so guilty because they are putting so much thought into my future when all I want is to have no future at all and just die, but I don't have the heart to tell them this because I know it would just make my living situation far worse. She said it could be set up in a few months and the first thought that came into my head was "oh I should CTB before that happens so they don't have to go through the hassle".
I'm terrified of living a long life because I know I will just go through even more pain. I honestly wish someone would just end me randomly one day.

sorry and thanks for reading.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Ultimately the decision to CTB should be based on your own inner experience rather guilt felt from external influences.
We should not be expected to live an existence of suffering just to keep others happy.
To do so would be an act of cruelty towards ourselves.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

First of all venting here is just fine and there will be always someone listening and someone who might relate to your situation and so on. :-) And it seems you have loving and caring parents which is also a very fine, it's just natural that good parents try everything to make a good life for their children but unfortunately that is not always the case for so many others here which makes me angry and sad in the same time! I respect your wish to CTB and it's your own choice at any time. And it's fully understandable, most of us wish to just disappear or have an unspectacular natural death while sleeping to be finally be relieved. I hope you can find peace!

 

[taiberjames]

I also didn't plan on vent, but eventually I realized it's a great place for that..

If eventually you will ctb, the pension will be the last thing that will trouble them.. it will just become some kind of a saving account for them and they withdraw the money earlier.

I feel you, I came back to my parents house and while they really caring for me I'm only planning..
Feels pretty shitty

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of not wanting to exist here really are understandable, I've never wished to exist here at all and the thought of being trapped here for decades longer really is so dreadful to me. The problem is that we exist in a world where there is a lack of acceptance towards the fact that not everyone wants to exist, we are expected to suffer until we die anyway, I find simply just existing here to be something tiring.

 

[Daxter_87]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My parents often say things like: "what will you do when we are no longer here?", "how will you survive?" They are totally oblivious to the fact that, when they die, I will follow their path.

You are not alone in this, and there's definitely no reason to feel guilty about it. But, of course, if you can't help but feel guilty, then that's ok too.