Venting Fear of suicide pain/venting/my story.

[shinigami_1992]

I am led in life to situation, by NHS abuse and mistreatment of me(they prevented me from reporting real life, serious and violent crimes commited to myself where I was victim and am left out of pocket tens thousands of pounds; where I am of extremly ill health due to their negligence and my condition deteriorated to point where I do not see myself going) that suicide seems like only reasonable, sane, feasible option.

I waited. I waited all 2023. I told myself maybe something will change in 2024. Maybe help will arrive. Nothing arrived, no change, continous suffering-physical and psychological. No relief. No support. Nobody cares.

I accidentally deleted what exactly nhs did to me and I will post it further here, in other posts but I am so tired. I want to go sleep forever.

I care about others, always did, so be careful and do not give me any advices-do not put self in legal trouble, although I ultimately will state how I wish to go. NHS has ruined my health, my employment, my friendships. Everything is gone. Everything, everybody, money and criminals walk free, have life, party on my dime
also, I forgot to tick I wish updates to my email-if anybody knows how to do it after posting thread, I will appreciate
I like life. But once i lost job, lost my pet cat, lost friends-nothing is same. New friends did not come, job situation is not that great. Finances-could be always worse, but considering how hard I worked my whole life, if criminals did not happen and were reported couldbe significantly better especially due to my current, high health needs which I can;t fulfil and it fuels suffering.

If it was up to me, if I was financially 'fine, fine' I need, for this month alone around 300 for physiotherapy(and it should be regular, monthly affair), further 80-90 for new crutches, and I need kitchen appliance for chopping veg as my body gave up.

 

[shinigami_1992]

I want some reply, acknowledgement and to chat with ppl who understand me. My death date is already set unless NHS compensates me for what they did and what they failed to do.

Last 30 months has been isolating,lonely and Iam ready to go. NHS kills people. NHS is abuse, terror and negligence. Not help. Not care. Psychiatric abuse, violence, threats, false help promises but in reality lazy staff wanting to make useless, false appointments where ppl are neglected and led to despair.vHighest degrees of violence, abuse, threats and life derailing advices which leave victims without justice and life funds.

I am ready to go. My date is within beginning of September. I have already detailed plan, place. Fault proof although will hurt a bit, maybe even a lot. And just like that, soon, breath will become an air.

I like life. So many dreams I had. Just ordinary, honest and simple ones-like advance in job, study, and travel world. Is sad that due to NHS abuse and negligence it's all coming to the end.

I know my dying will hurt. I know it will be not instant although relatively quick-2-5min according to various sites. I hope alcohol will help, especially, due to fact I am not drinker(one beer sends me to bed), and I hope effects will be stronger with strong %. It will hurt. It scares me but there is no choice. There is no financial means to carry on, no support. Theoretically, I have some savings, but knowing how things went in my life in past, Those money are not enough to help self in recovery, not enough to manage.

 

[dolemitedrums]

I acknowledge what you have written and I'm sorry for the difficulties you have been put through. Are you not still able to try to pursue some of your goals?

 

[shinigami_1992]

To pursue

I acknowledge what you have written and I'm sorry for the difficulties you have been put through. Are you not still able to try to pursue some of your goals?

To fulfil any of goals, is start from scratch. Study-from zero. Carrer start from zero as what I lost is not coming back. To study, due to my conditions, I need medications and pain management which NHS is not providing. Some meds I take will need transfer from private Dr who made diagnoses which is extra costs. NHS is false promises I will see specialist and be referred have been floating for months but no action. Money are running out even for basic life.

I have been doing best to save, earn, not to go into down mode but I can't do it anymore. Do not take me wrong.

I can still achieve things. It's just matter of NHS if I get help they have been promising whilst allowing criminals rob me I'd broad day. If I had money, Would be different.


So if Theoretically, I were to spend, as of today:
3600£ annually for physiotherapy
Further 700-800£ on equipment
And NHS does nothing like in past and my earning capacity due their bad actions already decreased by 25-40% and nothing is same, and for any education is costs more, how do I maintain it?

Not to mention I am not eating enough, and not healthy and I still feel like breaking bank, and income is not enough, I pay transport everywhere despite living locally to job as I am unable to walk 1bus stop worth and in past, my health crashed many times, and I know it will crash again and I must have back up bcuz no back up-what? Street and nothing else. I have no family and no help to rely on.
I am trying apply again benefits, and help but I can't even sit at desk today due to pain, to read and fill forms. Pain eats me. I have tight chest from anxiety, level of worries, heart pain( including kind of sharp chest pains) and is like..

I want to give up. I met recently somebody, And seeing this person makes me happy although I do not have high hopes for mutual future. But seeing this person, makes me so happy and yet, even that seems not be enough to want stay around.

Soon. Is a little over 2months left of being alive

 

[shinigami_1992]

and just mind the fact-for good quality life(where I meet my basic life needs, without any holidays or excessive lifestyle) I do not even need that much..

comparing to what I was earning, to what I am earning, I need just about 22-23k..just there is no health anymore. I can't do this anymore.

 

[shinigami_1992]

I have 10weeks left. If there is no financial compensation for what NHS did to me, for failures, carelessness, and delayed healthcare which made me non functional, not able to exist, to live in regular way, unable to function ghost of myself I kill myself.

 

[shinigami_1992]

Anybody else afraid of pain?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

TL;DR. But from your very last posts - obviously financial issues? I'm not from the UK, but what I've read here the NHS there sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Anybody else afraid of pain?

Yes, I'm afraid of pain - any kind of pain.

 

[shinigami_1992]

TL;DR. But from your very last posts - obviously financial issues? I'm not from the UK, but what I've read here the NHS there sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this.


Yes, I'm afraid of pain - any kind of pain.

I have some savings, but in what my current situation is-layered build up of issues due to:
-medical negligence&lack of basic healthcare and lack of official diagnoses despite conditions being there for years
-me being victim of criminals and me being vulnerable and system failing to provide take care of me/financially support me

I can't see getting up financially. I mean, for what my condition became due to bad/lack of treatment and failures to operate in timely manner I need:

-immediate pain diagnosis and pain relief(obtaining all of it has been issues, drs refuse to acknowledge severity of pain, fail to change medications, do not want go on injections where I have had for YEARS stomach issues)
-foot surgeries although I do not know how successful now it can be as eg 6-7years ago my condition was not as severe and now, I have both sides hip issues, back issues-they do nothing. They now try suggest one of those conditions where your whole body hurts where pain started after some psychiatric medications.
-i need on ongoing basis private physiotherapy(once a week 70£) and crutches(which is also cost) and shoes replacement regularly as I destroy shoes quickly and do not forget high cost of living-Food, any self care etc.

I think I'd benefit to sit with someone financially and medically savvy to make life/expenses(medical) plan about what I need eg next 5years but there is nobody. Those free places are overworked. I mean now, my new workplace is stepping up to help which is nice but things has been bad for months. Nobody, especially NHS cares. As for savings-they are there(around 1year worth of my annual, low waged worker salary) and for some that would be a lot but:
-my condition is not stable. Is not treated properly. I do not know when, and for how long I will physically crash. When I crashed in 2022 Dr made wrong assumption it was psychological, refuse allow me come back to work, made me fat and not functional and permanently disfigured with medication-just more burden. More issues. Now I need 15,000£ for breast reduction as psychological suffering is immense and I have body dysmorphic disorder.
-life is expensive here. Now, is constant prices hike ups. Shops, bills, rent annually. Now-its somehow controllable/I can make predictions, but due to layer up of bad experiences from past, I can't be living/surviving month to month.

I know some ppl do, but some ppl have support network/family, or means of side income. I have none. I am also not beggar, I do not borrow from ppl as it puts them in duress/ruins things. I was always 'supportive one' and let me tell you-ppl took advantage. I can't sustain worrying for others anymore. Neither I want ask ppl for help as everybody-has own perceptions about own needs, some ppl have too many friends/lose on stupid stuff and later harm victims like me.

I do not know. Let's say, in past things we're not easy. And I had in my account less money than I have now. But I was stronger, and more hopeful about life, job and prospects. Right now, I want cry. I want NHS compensate me for all what criminals did to me, for their abuse and negligence. Tey have been so unreasonable, I became unreasonable too.

I mean, even if I make 'investment plan' to pour let's say half of savings into my health how do I know NHS will successfully treat me know? My condition is ongoing, chronic, lifelong and NHS for long time told me there were solutions, that they were going fix things. It sounded like permanent solution and relief. Only recently they began changing song they sing and blame me for lying to me.

I have been hearing for past few months/weeks I will see rheumatologist. No referrals yet. Nothing. Everything is bad. Imagine you have several health problems and you are not helped adequately.

NHS even for years fail treat my eczema, fail give advices. Then Is chronic pain, physical disability, hormonal issues, now body disfigurement which I will need privately treated(15,000£ at least) as psychological pain and discomfort is unbearable. Hips issues, back issues. In past they coerce me to purchase bikes, tell me is good idea, that cycle will help. I felt so unsafe on bikes. I did not make many trips. Lose 2 bikes, loss 600-700£ or so on 'bike experience'. I need stationary bike but I am scared to buy. Due to domestic abuse, I move houses 15+ times in past, many financial and property and various losses, many affairs not tended, and I fear-buy 21kg stationary bike-how I move it? Hire ppl and pay from where? In past I needed money-I worked more hours
Currently my earning capacity went to being so low, costs soared, and I just do not see it going forward.

I feel so tired, so affected, harassed and harmed by NHS that if they do not act seriously now, do not solve issues, do not fix falsified medical records-Its over. It's so over. I can't carry on longer
If NHS doesn't stop me from reporting violent crimes where I was victim-maybe today I am in different health, life and finances situation. I will kill myself if there is no justice

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@shinigami_1992 I'm a bit out of words. Such treatment is horrible and not acceptable. You deserve better!!!

 

[shinigami_1992]

Nobody cares my friend. Nobody cares, nobody gives a sh*t, and I can't sustain life longer.

Like even if I theoretically pump my own money-which I wouldn't mind, and I believe it could be to my benefit-how do I know NHS will not intrude my life again, will not get involved(especially mental health abusers/psychiatric ekhu ekhu 'care') and not disturb and destroy all my life efforts? They caused enough harm already

 

[shinigami_1992]

l am going soon guys. For harassment of NHS I got myself case in court. Likely, possibly will get criminal record(I hope for community service only). I will not survive this life aspect wise, where I am victim. Dr who is my victim, is one who created my misery. Like, it's a reciprocal justice in my opinion considering what she did to me but they look at it differently because they are just assessing case evidences wise.

If there is no justice in life it's over. They punish me excessively-bye. Anyway, it's not much can happen differently anyway. My condition is not compatible with life, not at all. Not anymore. I am in agony, 20/10pain. I can't manage basic life tasks

I will add what court case was like/what Dr said