Discussion Fear of punishment vs. SI.

[MyStateKilledMe]

This is something I mentioned in passing in other posts. But this time, I'm dedicating a thread to it. When I was a child, my parents were EXTREMELY strict, enough to intimidate Kim Jung Un himself. Even a tiny mistake, like spilling glue, earned a harsh punishment from my parents, like 3 days with no TV. So, as a result, I first became suicidal at age 6.

From age 6 until the day I moved out, my fear of being punished by my parents was stronger than my SI. When I got a bad grade, or broke something, or got a parking ticket, they punished me to the max! Pretty early on, I learned about death. So I put 2 and 2 together, and realized that dying was an escape. So if I was in trouble, I realized I could CTB and avoid the punishment for whatever my parents planned to punish me for.

The "punishment" can also apply to adult "punishments", like jail/prison and such. But did anyone else's fear of punishment (or an equivalent) trump their SI?

 

[deathbydragon]

If you count involuntary confinement under punishments, then for sure. The longer I wait, the greater the chances of having most or potentially all of my methods restricted...

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

So, as a result, I first became suicidal at age 6.

Good lord.

 

[its-about-time]

I think our negative childhood experiences remain a trigger through our adult lives, unless you go through extensive therapy and are successful with it (which I'd guess none of us here were very successful long-term in therapy). Ctb is an excellent "escape" from that triggered pain, even daydreaming about it is helpful.

Punishment was not my experience as much as feeling unloved/unlovable as a kid. So for me, in my adult life, even minor relationship upsets are the #1 thing that push me to the edge of taking that final step to ctb, because it triggers this huge "I'm unloved/unlovable" thing in me. It makes sense that you feel more of an urge surrounding your specific negative childhood experiences with punishment, and that those experiences still affect you to the point of confusing it with SI.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Punishment was not my experience as much as feeling unloved/unlovable as a kid. So for me, in my adult life, even minor relationship upsets are the #1 thing that push me to the edge of taking that final step to ctb, because it triggers this huge "I'm unloved/unlovable" thing in me. It makes sense that you feel more of an urge surrounding your specific negative childhood experiences with punishment, and that those experiences still affect you to the point of confusing it with SI.

It's not so much about feeling unloved as about love being transactional. That is, having to constantly work for your parents' love, with them holding it just out of your reach, like bullies playing keep-away with your toy/book/whatever. And the "price" for their love is so high, that it just not worth your effort. But since losing their love entirely also feels scary, CTB'ing seems like a worthwhile alternative to constantly putting in futile effort (a.k.a. Sisyphus's labor) to constantly "buying" their love at "gouged prices". Punishments were simply signs that I couldn't afford the love; after all, a child worthy of their parents' love wouldn't spill glue in the first place. Or such were the unspoken messages I was given.

Not to mention, I figured that if I killed myself, everyone would be better off. I'd be dead and forever free of misery, and my parents would conceive a new child that met their expectations/demands better. Win-win.

 

[its-about-time]

It's not so much about feeling unloved as about love being transactional. That is, having to constantly work for your parents' love, with them holding it just out of your reach, like bullies playing keep-away with your toy/book/whatever. And the "price" for their love is so high, that it just not worth your effort. But since losing their love entirely also feels scary, CTB'ing seems like a worthwhile alternative to constantly putting in futile effort (a.k.a. Sisyphus's labor) to constantly "buying" their love at "gouged prices". Punishments were simply signs that I couldn't afford the love; after all, a child worthy of their parents' love wouldn't spill glue in the first place. Or such were the unspoken messages I was given.

Not to mention, I figured that if I killed myself, everyone would be better off. I'd be dead and forever free of misery, and my parents would conceive a new child that met their expectations/demands better. Win-win.

I like the wording transaction and how you explained it. In my situation it was truly just being unlovable. There were things I could do to make my dad happy, but at the end of the day, it was the core of who I am that he didn't love. As long as I can remember, he forced his idea of a "perfect princess daughter" on me, and if I was doing something that didn't fit that model, I was physically punished with a stick of rubber. It was a very difficult model to fulfill as I've always been a tomboy and grew up to be gay (which was the last straw, he kicked me out at 15 when he found out). I repeatedly risked punishment by disobeying his model and paid the price. I can't tell you how many times he called me embarrassing, a humiliation to him, as a little kid and teenager. He just never loved who I am and there was little I could do about it. It's followed me into my adult years despite a ton of therapy. I do desperate things to feel loved, and then don't feel loved anyways. I want to ctb to free everybody else from me. I make people worried and miserable. I suck to have around.