Fear of hurting the people i leave behind

[FailureToAll]

The closer it gets to the day I want to ctb the more I feel bad for putting my family through this. I don't think suicide is selfish when others do it but I feel selfish. I keep imagining how I would feel if I came home to find my mum had ctb. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like an awful person. I wish I could just stop existing like I was never here. I don't know which is most selfish, to stay alive and continue being a burden on my family or to die and cause my family grief. I hate this so much. I'm grateful that people love me but right now I wish they didn't because its making it so hard to leave but I'm so unhappy and I know I have no future and I'm so tired of being here and having to feel I just want to never think or feel again.

 

[Ashe]

It will never be selfish to choose to go out on your own terms and anyone who would disagree to let you continue rotting away in this hellish existence is far more selfish. If you can make peace with your own passing then so can they.

 

[hevlalab]

Hey there I know exactly how you feel as I'm going through it as well. I feel immensely guilty and selfish for wanting to ctb too. I've been giving my family stress and being a burden to them for months now to the point where I need to stop doing this to them. For them, in order for me to stop my depression and suicidal ideation, is to get better and help myself to do so but for me it's to end my life and the pain. I don't see a future for myself either. It's really shit how we want the suffering to end by offing ourselves and transferring the pain to our loved ones. For us the pain ends immediately as soon as we die but for those who love us, the pain will only be passed on to them for the rest of their lives. I've cried over this thought many times but after a while, my unhappiness overrides anyone else's wishes for me to stay alive. I'm just so tired of living.

 

[FailureToAll]

Hey there I know exactly how you feel as I'm going through it as well. I feel immensely guilty and selfish for wanting to ctb too. I've been giving my family stress and being a burden to them for months now to the point where I need to stop doing this to them. For them, in order for me to stop my depression and suicidal ideation, is to get better and help myself to do so but for me it's to end my life and the pain. I don't see a future for myself either. It's really shit how we want the suffering to end by offing ourselves and transferring the pain to our loved ones. For us the pain ends immediately as soon as we die but for those who love us, the pain will only be passed on to them for the rest of their lives. I've cried over this thought many times but after a while, my unhappiness overrides anyone else's wishes for me to stay alive. I'm just so tired of living.

I'm sorry you can relate, although I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling. It's so awful and unfair that either way someone has to hurt

 

[hevlalab]

You're never alone :) I'm sorry that life's led you to this suffering too. My advice to you tho is to do what's best for you, focus on your happiness and your peace, even if it is at the cost of someone else's feelings. End of the day, it is your life and you decide what you want out of it.

Good luck with your plans tho, hope you find an end to the pain you're feeling <3

 

[ipmanwc0]

It will never be selfish to choose to go out on your own terms and anyone who would disagree to let you continue rotting away in this hellish existence is far more selfish. If you can make peace with your own passing then so can they.

Couldn't have put it better myself

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly wish there is the option to just completely erase our existence, it's really understandable just wishing for nothingness as I get that it's so tiring and dreadful having to suffer here. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[sadbirthday]

The closer it gets to the day I want to ctb the more I feel bad for putting my family through this. I don't think suicide is selfish when others do it but I feel selfish. I keep imagining how I would feel if I came home to find my mum had ctb. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like an awful person. I wish I could just stop existing like I was never here. I don't know which is most selfish, to stay alive and continue being a burden on my family or to die and cause my family grief. I hate this so much. I'm grateful that people love me but right now I wish they didn't because its making it so hard to leave but I'm so unhappy and I know I have no future and I'm so tired of being here and having to feel I just want to never think or feel again.

I get it. My youngest son luckily won't remember me, so maybe my death won't affect him too much throughout life. The oldest will remember me, and that's probably gonna mess him up. I wish I could at least wait until they're grown but I don't think I can. Currently planning an accident at work so they at least get my life insurance. In my particular situation I know this is very selfish of me. I don't want to do this to them but I genuinely don't see other options anymore. Days getting worse, nights getting longer.

 

[Jamesun]

I feel the same, I would really feel horrible about leaving my friends and my family but whether I am here or not I am a burden, I would like to die but I am just a faggot who is not capable of killing himself.

 

[StyxFerryStowaway]

I feel you. The people I still care about will be devastated if I ever go through with it. I'm not willing to lie to myself and say they'd be better off not worrying about me wasting my own life anymore, even though I want to.

 

[iyusof]

Same sturggle here