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Fighting tooth and nail
Apr 23, 2024
I feel my life is so bad, so utterly not worth fighting for. But I know it's not. Can you help me with this decision? Can you talk with me for a while? I've been to music school for two years already, the first one I really struggled with piano lessons, this one, even more... I'm a conditional student, it means I didn't pass piano 1, but I can take subjects that require piano 2 this year. I need to take a test on August so I can pass piano 1 and go on, but... I'm really scared of playing the piano! I know that if I study I will improve, but I just don't do it!!
You know why?
I don't really enjoy going there, going to class, doing homework...
I have trauma regarding this, I think. From high school, I've been treated very badly, by teachers and directors, so I dread anything regarding learning. And even without taking this into consideration, I'm not really enjoying learning music. Also, there are teachers that aren't really nice
Now you may think, then why do you go there? why don't you choose another path? The answer is that I don't have any other path, I'm utterly lost.
I feel so attached to my notes in school, I feel that those will condemn my future, and even worse that teachers are not very...calm about it. I don't mind having strict teachers at all, but it's not being strict to yell at your students for having problems learning things, it's not their fault, and it's not like it's medical school, nobody's life is at steak here, so why treating your students so badly? I find music so hard to understand and learn, I wish school wasn't so straight and burocratic.
I was thinking maybe... youtube? I really enjoy those aesthetic videos from Japan that shows a cozy, quiet life.
I don't like normal jobs, like, 9-5 in an office or surrounded by costumers and people who are sometimes rude and not appreciative of what you do. I hate that environment, I would prefer dying over that, honestly. I want my life to have meaning, why was I born then? Why do I have consciousness? Why am I even allowed to have these questions?
Honestly, I was never passionate about learning to play the piano...I just chose it as a companion for singing, which I really enjoy. But I really doubt being a singer, I'm very shy and reserved, I want to have freedom of creation, and I know that often doesn't happen with a label, you just give your voice. So now I'm really confused.

Now, if I stop going to class and abandon this piano school, I would feel so relieved, I would be able to breathe for once. But then what? I have a million more things to worry about. Sometimes I feel that my life is very complex to be a reality, that I am not made for this world, so...suicide...

But I want to live, but to be happy, to be fulfilled, to have purpose, to live so at peace that the problems that arrive can be overcome with ease and knowing that there is happiness. I don't have that. I know what could give me that, but it seems so distant and obscure.
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