Family member holding me back

[Pain]

I have an extreme chronic pain condition that was caused by a quack surgeon 4 years ago.
It's not fixable and it's made my life into just solitary existence with just chores, tv & Internet.
No supportive family or friends. Every day I see a new story about people losing their prescribed pain meds. My pain meds barely take the edge off but at least it's something. Anxiety meds keep my panic barely in control.
I have a vulnerable adult family member. I recently got over the survival instinct, my affairs & belongings are in order, I have N, ready for the taste; I have a flavoring agent, and was ready to leave home to go do it.
My family member has a way of sensing things & started talking to me about my situation (we don't usually talk about my chronic pain) & got me emotional. We had a big emotional talk/fight. I broke down, the family member is upset & now I'm way too exhausted to go through with it.
The same exact thing happened last summer. (I picked summer as the best time of year for grieving). I still can't believe I let this happen again.
A quack surgeon can inflict horrible unnatural pain but society has no understanding for wanting to stop the pain. And now guilt. This is my only way out & it's a huge setback for me.

 

[millefeui]

In reality, it is your own guilty that is holding you back, not your family member. It is the same for me. I keep saying I won't kill myself until my dog dies, but technically she isn't holding me back. It is the guilt of leaving her behind that stops me.

Fighting guilty isn't easy, more so if you really care about your family member. It is a tricky situation.

 

[Pain]

Yeah I read lots of stories about supportive families for sick people. (DWD Canada & Dignitas stories) So far I haven't been able to get past that I don't have that support or at least acceptance. (I don't want assistance or anybody around.)
Just so sick of the whole mental stress part of this.