Family Get Together

[Sweet Tart]

Today, my step-siblings from out of town are coming for a few days. We barely know each other as our parents got together later in life. It's somebody's birthday. Families and partners will be here. I will be the eccentric, fucked-up aunt/step-sibling who nobody understands or wants to know. No one will ask me any questions. I will have to smile and pay attention to conversations about what is going on in their lives. I will pretend to be happy for them. I don't belong here but because I'm staying in the house, I am obligated to be present. I hate my life so much.

How do you deal with family obligations when you just want to die or be elsewhere?

 

[Sweet Tart]

The night was worse than I could have imagined. My mom treated me like a disobedient servant in front of step-siblings who, as predicted, didn't ask me any questions or speak directly to me. I had to smile thru conversations while being treated like crap. I can't keep living with my monster of a mother and I have no more prospects in life. Need to ctb soon.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Oh no- I'm so sorry. That sounded awful. God- I used to detest family get togethers. Things became so bad in my family that my Dad promised he wouldn't expect me to be around certain members again. At one point, I just walked out the house- things got so bad. Honestly, I don't know how I'd cope if I had to see certain members again. There's a strong possibility I would CTB before having to. Can you get away from them? That did work initially for me.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Oh no- I'm so sorry. That sounded awful. God- I used to detest family get togethers. Things became so bad in my family that my Dad promised he wouldn't expect me to be around certain members again. At one point, I just walked out the house- things got so bad. Honestly, I don't know how I'd cope if I had to see certain members again. There's a strong possibility I would CTB before having to. Can you get away from them? That did work initially for me.

Thank you so much. I'm glad your dad is supportive of you distancing yourself from toxic family.

I wish I could get away but I'm broke. I spent most of my adult life in another state. But I had to stop working due to job-related trauma and was offered a place in their house to recover and restart my life. It's surprisingly expensive to live in the shitty state they live in and the abuse keeps me from being able to focus on recovery.

 

[BornHated]

Ugh I feel you, I lucked out in that my mother's so hard at hiding her entitlement that both sides of the family kept their distance early on- though she'd have nuclear meltdowns if my father tried to contact his family.

If they don't show interest, what's the point in you being there? I figure the event is over now but I wonder if just like, scrolling through a site you like or watching videos of things you find pretty even if muted so you can keep an ear open for them is passable.
If the commands are simple I just oblige to them for a bit and then go back to being on the phone lol. If they're being particularly demanding I state I have the runs or a really bad migraine and retreat to my room.

To me, it's about mindset. Yeah these people don't think highly of me but I don't necessarily value their opinions in the first place. If they wouldn't find me interesting then they're probably uninteresting to me as well. If they get really sassy talkback would be possible to shut them down, but I know it's especially hard when you're the underdog. I tend to phase out during the conversations and just daydream of my own stuff a lot and whatever heat is headed my way I usually dismiss.

Most jabbing is usually just jabbing but if someone is insistent I figure out a way to get back at them well enough. They often hate being embarrassed themselves.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you so much. I'm glad your dad is supportive of you distancing yourself from toxic family.

I wish I could get away but I'm broke. I spent most of my adult life in another state. But I had to stop working due to job-related trauma and was offered a place in their house to recover and restart my life. It's surprisingly expensive to live in the shitty state they live in and the abuse keeps me from being able to focus on recovery.

I'm so sorry- you must feel so trapped. I really hope you can find a way out of there soon. Can you maybe find part time work even where you are- so you have a legitimate excuse to not be there so much and to need to retreat and rest while you are? Or, is it a bit too soon for that? I dread to think what my life would be like if I still had to be around abusive people. I feel so bad for everyone here struggling with that.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Ugh I feel you, I lucked out in that my mother's so hard at hiding her entitlement that both sides of the family kept their distance early on- though she'd have nuclear meltdowns if my father tried to contact his family.

If they don't show interest, what's the point in you being there? I figure the event is over now but I wonder if just like, scrolling through a site you like or watching videos of things you find pretty even if muted so you can keep an ear open for them is passable.
If the commands are simple I just oblige to them for a bit and then go back to being on the phone lol. If they're being particularly demanding I state I have the runs or a really bad migraine and retreat to my room.

To me, it's about mindset. Yeah these people don't think highly of me but I don't necessarily value their opinions in the first place. If they wouldn't find me interesting then they're probably uninteresting to me as well. If they get really sassy talkback would be possible to shut them down, but I know it's especially hard when you're the underdog. I tend to phase out during the conversations and just daydream of my own stuff a lot and whatever heat is headed my way I usually dismiss.

Most jabbing is usually just jabbing but if someone is insistent I figure out a way to get back at them well enough. They often hate being embarrassed themselves.

I agree that changing mindset can help get thru situations that otherwise aren't safe. I really appreciate you framing it this way because I was pathologizing this kind of strategy as dissociative. But it's not at all- it's more like walking across a balance beam and tuning out everything on the sidelines. I'm gonna try, thank you <3

 

[アホペンギン]

The night was worse than I could have imagined. My mom treated me like a disobedient servant in front of step-siblings who, as predicted, didn't ask me any questions or speak directly to me. I had to smile thru conversations while being treated like crap. I can't keep living with my monster of a mother and I have no more prospects in life. Need to ctb soon.

Wow, your mom is obviously horrible. I can't believe she would treat you like that. I don't know how much i can say this but having children is very cruel, especially if the parents' personalities are like that of your mother. I'm sorry that your family is horrible to you like this, i hope you manage to ctb soon, your mother seems like a horrible person and i would dread being around her, especially after hearing how she treated you at the family gathering..

 

[CW36]

Today, my step-siblings from out of town are coming for a few days. We barely know each other as our parents got together later in life. It's somebody's birthday. Families and partners will be here. I will be the eccentric, fucked-up aunt/step-sibling who nobody understands or wants to know. No one will ask me any questions. I will have to smile and pay attention to conversations about what is going on in their lives. I will pretend to be happy for them. I don't belong here but because I'm staying in the house, I am obligated to be present. I hate my life so much.

How do you deal with family obligations when you just want to die or be elsewhere?

I feel for you. Families can be the best or the worst. You either pretend and put on a show or you risk being bitched about. You'll slowly start to stop caring cause you're running on empty. Drink the wine and let the world be the world.

 

[BornHated]

I agree that changing mindset can help get thru situations that otherwise aren't safe. I really appreciate you framing it this way because I was pathologizing this kind of strategy as dissociative. But it's not at all- it's more like walking across a balance beam and tuning out everything on the sidelines. I'm gonna try, thank you <3

I think I can understand why you feel it's pathological to do so; Granted, by taking it on this way you could be missing out on major important information and cues at times. For the most part I only pay attention to new dynamics or signs of things that foreshadow my mother will start acting up on me or information I can actually use.

To trade that hypervigilance for an extra bit of mental peace feels dicey. But ultimately it's incredibly bad for both your physical and mental health to keep with that burden on a long term basis.
It's also part of a dignity thing for me- What I think about counts as part of the little time available a human can have, so I try to keep it on topic of things I either enjoy or actually really need there.
A lot of the most key information for your survival and betterment are far more accessible online or with better connections than whatever bs you'd have to sift through from the conversations at those gatherings considering your family dynamics are probably fixed by now.

 

[NightshadeDreamer]

I feel this on a personal level every family Christmas. Apart from one sister who treats me well, I'm treated as the young sensitive one nobody tells anything. I feel for you, I'm sorry you're treated so poorly and you deserve better than that. It's harder when it's family and you can't get away from it.
I wish you all best but also like to remind you that they are the problem, not you. X

 

[Sweet Tart]

I think I can understand why you feel it's pathological to do so; Granted, by taking it on this way you could be missing out on major important information and cues at times. For the most part I only pay attention to new dynamics or signs of things that foreshadow my mother will start acting up on me or information I can actually use.

To trade that hypervigilance for an extra bit of mental peace feels dicey. But ultimately it's incredibly bad for both your physical and mental health to keep with that burden on a long term basis.
It's also part of a dignity thing for me- What I think about counts as part of the little time available a human can have, so I try to keep it on topic of things I either enjoy or actually really need there.
A lot of the most key information for your survival and betterment are far more accessible online or with better connections than whatever bs you'd have to sift through from the conversations at those gatherings considering your family dynamics are probably fixed by now.

Thanks for understanding how messy abusive family dynamics can be- it means a lot to feel heard.

A few minutes ago, my mom went off on me about how I "have to do something" and need to have a plan to get a job by next Friday. She's well aware that job-related trauma is why I am in her house in the first place.

She is now threatening to destabilize my life further if I continue to be too depressed to follow orders (obv those weren't her words but the implication, lol). All I can think is that part of her must want me to ctb

I feel this on a personal level every family Christmas. Apart from one sister who treats me well, I'm treated as the young sensitive one nobody tells anything. I feel for you, I'm sorry you're treated so poorly and you deserve better than that. It's harder when it's family and you can't get away from it.
I wish you all best but also like to remind you that they are the problem, not you. X

Thank you for your kindness and wise words to keep in mind that emotional abusers are the problem, not us. I'm sorry you are also dealing with painful family stuff <3

 

[BornHated]

Thanks for understanding how messy abusive family dynamics can be- it means a lot to feel heard.

A few minutes ago, my mom went off on me about how I "have to do something" and need to have a plan to get a job by next Friday. She's well aware that job-related trauma is why I am in her house in the first place.

She is now threatening to destabilize my life further if I continue to be too depressed to follow orders (obv those weren't her words but the implication, lol). All I can think is that part of her must want me to ctb

Thank you for your kindness and wise words to keep in mind that emotional abusers are the problem, not us. I'm sorry you are also dealing with painful family stuff <3

Sometimes that sort of thing is a bluff but considering how brutal US culture is compared to my own culture in what is deemed "acceptable" to kick out, it could be dicey... I wish I had some absolute advice that could work here, but I think you'll have to feel the situation out for yourself.

I don't know what expectations will be held on you for not holding down work, but it might even bring some form of relief to get human interaction outside of your parents' house (assuming where you end up doesn't suck ass, too).
A one-week due date for finding employment sounds hella unrealistic but it's something my mother also put on me in the past, so I'm guessing that's just older adult BS mindset thinking shit works the same way so easily nowadays.

Hoping it all works out better in the end, that sucks ass and I'm sorry you got stuck there.